The Flop

I watch a lot of standup comedy. I once saw a guy in a small club in New York tell a joke that landed with a dull thud, and then compound the situation by berating the audience for not laughing, at which point half of them walked out. That was dreadful standup.

At last week’s rescheduled White House Correspondents Dinner, Trump was even worse. And no one dared to walk out.

Watch just a small part of the disaster unfold, above. It is very short. Behold as Trump dishonestly sets up the joke as something that happened to an unnamed ancient senator of his acquaintance, then tells the thudder, badly blowing the punchline, then berates the audience for not laughing, then tediously explains the failed joke, three times, then berates his comedy writers for writing it, which, as it turns out, they didn’t.

Guess what? Trump stole the bad joke from a 2007 song by Brad Paisley, who used it ironically, as an example of wincingly bad humor. Paisley actually told it waaay better, so it made some sort of sense: “You know you’re old when your wife says, ‘Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love’ and your answer is ‘I cannot do both.’ ”

See? There had been a nugget of lucidity in the thing, initially, until the president of the United States squatted and grunted his version out onstage.

Trump’s appearance before the White House journalists — as I am sure you now know — was a disaster in every sense, including the fact that it was allowed to happen at all. This is the man who has been belittling the media, smearing their good work for years, suing them for doing their jobs, attempting to dismantle their First Amendment protections. The media disgraced itself by inviting him, then disgraced itself further by treating him with deference — much as they have been disgracing themselves with their year and a half of sane-washing.

Trump is a mean-spirited son of a bitch, and this is never clearer than when he tries to be funny. He equates nasty with funny. His most disgraceful moment at the dinner was when he made a joke about CNN’s star anchor, Kaitlan Collins — an awardee of the evening — suggesting she is transgender. He told it twice, too, in case no one got the implication.

Sitting beside him the whole time was his greatest enabler — maybe the greatest White House enabler of all time — his perky 28-year-old press secretary Karoline Leavitt, whose whole shtick has confounded me from Day One.

She’s very smart. Very knowledgeable. Preternaturally glib. Unflappable. She is privy to everything appalling that goes on in this regime. And she is its most consummate liar.

This is how Leavitt set the country up for Trump’s WHC dinner fiasco, the day before: “The president’s speech will be a combination of unifying yet vicious, and serious yet hilarious, all at the same time, if you can imagine that. One thing I can assure you, it will be entertaining.” She got four of the five wrong.

This is the same person who still unblinkingly declares that Trump won the 2020 election and who also once asserted that Trump had foiled a Deep State plan to spend $50 million to buy condoms for Hamas.

This is the same person who, when cornered by a reporter on an issue involving Trump’s inconsistency in dealing with Iran, responded by snarling: “If you support Iran, go live in Iran.”

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

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Speaking of lower life forms, the following animal was found and videotaped (by Rachel) on a suburban street in Tysons Corner. Watch till the end.

WTF? Do you have any idea what this is?

No, it is not a snake. Or an alien. It is the aptly named “hammerhead worm,” an invasive species of planarian common to northern Virginia. It is poisonous if consumed, say, by a dog or very hungry person. The Web says they are bad, and should be killed by drowning them in vinegar. Do not step on them because if you just split them in two, you will have TWO hammerhead worms. They regenerate.

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And finally, Dave Barry had a recent excellent column about diarrhea. I wrote in a comment that got a great deal of attention by other commenters. I have been persuaded that I must share it with you, as well:

Many, many years ago, I and my girlfriend once had simultaneous diarrhea in a hotel room in Mexico City. I had gotten mine from eating tripe tacos from a street cart outside a bull ring. She got hers from the water, having (for some reason) eschewed the tacos. But both of our diarrheas were raging at the EXACT same time, meaning while she -- being the lady -- got to excrete into the toilet, I did so over the edge of the bathtub. We got married not long afterward, somehow. I am giving you all this free of charge.

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Inasmuch as the bulk of this column is about deliberate, shameless deception, I should reveal that I have herein attempted to deliberately deceive you. There is something deeply and shamelessly deceptive in this column.

I will tell you in the Comments, when someone nails it. Or, if no one does, I will tell you there myself.

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This is not the deceptive thing. It is arm’s length, genuine panhandling: