I work in hospice (I'm posting from work now!), and you DID NOT kill your dad. Our goal is patient comfort and your father was clearly not comfortable. Even if he was not in pain, he was agitated. Increasing the meds is the logical first step to getting the person comfortable. Many times, getting the person comfortable allows them to let go in peace. IMO, you did right by him. Thanks for sharing your dad with us.
I didn't kill my father, but I gave him permission to die (as I have found is often the case with children of aged parents). He was 87 and in a rehab facility (not for the first time) after a fall. He was in terrible health (heart issues and I think COPD) and lived alone. I'm pretty sure he knew (as I did) that he was not going to be allowed to go home alone this time. He didn't want a live-in caregiver (and there was no place for one in his overstuffed house) and he couldn't face the idea of moving into any kind of assisted living. He had gone downhill a lot in the five years since my mother died, and I know I should have been taking better care of him, but he was a very proud man, and I was chary of threatening his dignity.
Aside from seeing each other weekly at our Rotary meeting, I didn't always see him as often as I should have (though he lived just a couple of miles away), but while he was in the rehab facility I visited him daily to take him his mail and a report on whatever (in retrospect I was very grateful for this). On one of these visits he was bemoaning the fact that he just couldn't seem to get running properly again, and I told him the story of my watch.
It was a gift from my mother. She'd received it at age 16, and when I was 16 she had given it to me. I wore it all through college and my early marriage years, but it was in the shop more and more often, and finally the watchmaker told me, "I can keep getting this going for you, but it's not going to run forever. Sometimes things just wear out."
I don't think it was the very next morning, but one morning soon after that conversation, I got a call from the rehab facility telling me that he had been awake earlier that morning and then gone back to sleep. When next checked on, he had died. He had been saying he was ready to join Mother, and, although I still felt a little guilty about having perhaps encouraged him to let go, it was time.
Thank you for this article. Unfortunately, not every medical professional is as compassionate as this hospice nurse. In May, 1984, my 39-year-old wife was in the very last stages of terminal cancer. She had not been conscious for a couple of days, and was heavily sedated. It was obvious that she was in considerable pain. Her parents and I asked the medical staff at the hospital to increase the dose of painkillers to at least make her comfortable. They refused, as increasing the dosage might hasten her death. Still shaking my head 41 years later.
Thanks for this, Gene. We show our pets the compassion of peacefully ending their suffering. If it's good enough for our pets, it's good enough for us humans.
I thought that so many times as my husband was dying at the end stage of Parkinson's which he lived with for 19 years. I had put my beloved cat to sleep a year earlier and I often wished I could help end my husband's pain and loss of dignity (just as Gene said) the same way since you never get better from Parkinson's.
The decision should rest primarily with the family and the doctors, NOT the government, not any church but the family’s (if they want advice). As I understand it, this poor family is being charged daily ICU fees for this. That is also an abomination.
As for your father, my own story. My father was in hospice care at home with my mother in another state. She called and told us that the nurse said it would be the next 24 hours. I scrambled to get a flight out when mom called back within an hour and said he’d passed. I now wonder what happened in that hour and hope it was peaceful for all involved.
If the hospital and/or state is trying to charge fees to the family of the brain-dead woman, the family should refuse to pay and find a lawyer to represent them in court. I'm certain that someone who would be honored to represent them pro bono to contest the state's and the hospital's abominable behavior.
To provide the necessary maternal somatic support to keep a legally dead woman biologically alive (heart and respiratory functions and some digestive and kidney functions) costs thousands a day and is unlikely to be covered by insurance. If you think getting an insurance company to fork over for an ill but living individual is difficult, try filing a claim for a legally deceased one.
Gene - I firmly believe this is the best article you have ever written.. Period.
Congratulations, I am sorry for your (still) pain, and I congratulate your courage!
You should get a third (I think) Pulitzer for this powerful piece. I agree with Archer Macy; this may be the best article you have ever written.
Beautifully done, bro. Pop would have understood perfectly. Happy Father's Day.
This means a lot to me.
I work in hospice (I'm posting from work now!), and you DID NOT kill your dad. Our goal is patient comfort and your father was clearly not comfortable. Even if he was not in pain, he was agitated. Increasing the meds is the logical first step to getting the person comfortable. Many times, getting the person comfortable allows them to let go in peace. IMO, you did right by him. Thanks for sharing your dad with us.
Someone else named Melissa!
I didn't kill my father, but I gave him permission to die (as I have found is often the case with children of aged parents). He was 87 and in a rehab facility (not for the first time) after a fall. He was in terrible health (heart issues and I think COPD) and lived alone. I'm pretty sure he knew (as I did) that he was not going to be allowed to go home alone this time. He didn't want a live-in caregiver (and there was no place for one in his overstuffed house) and he couldn't face the idea of moving into any kind of assisted living. He had gone downhill a lot in the five years since my mother died, and I know I should have been taking better care of him, but he was a very proud man, and I was chary of threatening his dignity.
Aside from seeing each other weekly at our Rotary meeting, I didn't always see him as often as I should have (though he lived just a couple of miles away), but while he was in the rehab facility I visited him daily to take him his mail and a report on whatever (in retrospect I was very grateful for this). On one of these visits he was bemoaning the fact that he just couldn't seem to get running properly again, and I told him the story of my watch.
It was a gift from my mother. She'd received it at age 16, and when I was 16 she had given it to me. I wore it all through college and my early marriage years, but it was in the shop more and more often, and finally the watchmaker told me, "I can keep getting this going for you, but it's not going to run forever. Sometimes things just wear out."
I don't think it was the very next morning, but one morning soon after that conversation, I got a call from the rehab facility telling me that he had been awake earlier that morning and then gone back to sleep. When next checked on, he had died. He had been saying he was ready to join Mother, and, although I still felt a little guilty about having perhaps encouraged him to let go, it was time.
So you turned out to be a mensch after all (despite your best efforts). A father is forever.
I read it twice, Gene, and cried both times. Fine piece of writing and memorializing…
Beautiful, Gene. Happy Father’s Day.
Above your usual brilliance! Deeper than your normally deep understanding of humanity. A heart much bigger than the heart you display daily!
Sincere condolences on the death of your remarkable father from an 81-year-old woman whose Daddy died when she was 6 and whom she misses to this day.
I agree with Archer Macy below. This is not only the best article you have ever written, it is the best I have ever read by anybody.
Thank you for this article. Unfortunately, not every medical professional is as compassionate as this hospice nurse. In May, 1984, my 39-year-old wife was in the very last stages of terminal cancer. She had not been conscious for a couple of days, and was heavily sedated. It was obvious that she was in considerable pain. Her parents and I asked the medical staff at the hospital to increase the dose of painkillers to at least make her comfortable. They refused, as increasing the dosage might hasten her death. Still shaking my head 41 years later.
Thanks for this, Gene. We show our pets the compassion of peacefully ending their suffering. If it's good enough for our pets, it's good enough for us humans.
I thought that so many times as my husband was dying at the end stage of Parkinson's which he lived with for 19 years. I had put my beloved cat to sleep a year earlier and I often wished I could help end my husband's pain and loss of dignity (just as Gene said) the same way since you never get better from Parkinson's.
I don't believe in god, but god bless you, Gene.
Me neither, friend.
Yeah. A tough subject. A fine piece. Of course you did the right thing: We're all hoping it'll be easy to go out the door.
The decision should rest primarily with the family and the doctors, NOT the government, not any church but the family’s (if they want advice). As I understand it, this poor family is being charged daily ICU fees for this. That is also an abomination.
As for your father, my own story. My father was in hospice care at home with my mother in another state. She called and told us that the nurse said it would be the next 24 hours. I scrambled to get a flight out when mom called back within an hour and said he’d passed. I now wonder what happened in that hour and hope it was peaceful for all involved.
If the hospital and/or state is trying to charge fees to the family of the brain-dead woman, the family should refuse to pay and find a lawyer to represent them in court. I'm certain that someone who would be honored to represent them pro bono to contest the state's and the hospital's abominable behavior.
That was my exact thought, as well as for pain, suffering, etc.
Damn right!
I just googled it and it isn’t clear about the family being charged. There are fundraisers being held.
To provide the necessary maternal somatic support to keep a legally dead woman biologically alive (heart and respiratory functions and some digestive and kidney functions) costs thousands a day and is unlikely to be covered by insurance. If you think getting an insurance company to fork over for an ill but living individual is difficult, try filing a claim for a legally deceased one.
I am sorry for your loss but grateful you had the gift of your father.