Russian To Conclusions
(And the plague.)
Late to the party? Substack sent the email notice out to most readers just a wee bit late -- like, 70 minutes late. But there's lots to read here, so go ahead and leave me questions and comments for next time.
We’ll get to the Russian connection soon, but first some personal news.
I don’t want to compare myself to a genuine saint — that’s up to you folks to decide — but I find myself thinking about Father Damien, the canonized priest who developed leprosy while ministering to the the afflicted on the Island Of Molokai in the late 1800s. Famously, he said to the sufferers one day, after his diagnosis: “My fellow lepers, I am one of you, now.”
My fellow Americans, I am one of you now. Finally got Covid like everyone else, or so it appears.
This just in, literally.
So far, relatively minor symptoms. Headache, sore throat, nagging cough, general dank and grungy feeling. No fever. I almost didn’t test, but I live with someone other than my dog, so I owed it to her. (Not to the dog. Zoonotic species-crossover is rare!) Turns out I am leprous, but Rachel is not, at least not yet. I will be keeping you all informed so long as I am not technically and irreversibly dead. I have taken a more sophisticated test, and am awaiting results. And yes, I am double vaccinated and quadruple boosted. My last boost was three weeks ago. So this will be interesting.
The irony is that I recently wrote, on these pages, about being hypochondriacally afraid of Covid. It turns out that just because you are a hypochondriac doesn’t mean you are not sick. Who knew?
Meanwhile, we go on with the show, because we have to examine another intriguing angle of my sainthood. But first, I need to be shameless and opportunistic.
Before we proceed to my thrilling Russian saga, which involves vodka and borscht and world geopolitics, and which I write here bravely through a miasma of discomfort, all for you, the discerning and generous reader, a couple of boring boilerplate things. I’ll keep them short.
After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers -- and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.
As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though I will stop in from time to time.
SPECIAL ADDITIONAL TIP: If you're reading this on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “Russian to conclusions…” for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers, and be able to refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.
Okay, Russia:
Three years ago, at the very beginning of the pandemic, Rachel and I decided to spend a week serially patronizing local Chinese restaurants in D.C., to show solidarity with a people being vilified by idiots for something for which they were not blameworthy. (Asian restaurants were suffering badly from Trump’s immature, racist insistence on calling it the “Chinese Virus.”) As a hapless consumer, you donate what you can.
Well, last week Rachel and I were in New York City. On Saturday night, we went to The Russian Tea Room for dinner. Same reason. Solidarity. Idiots. Etc .
It’s a fine restaurant, dauntingly expensive and so visitable only every once in a long while. For a Saturday night, at prime dining time, it was sparsely attended. Americans are famously boycotting it because it is Russian.
Except it isn’t. It is owned by an investment company from Long Island run by Irish Americans, Italian Americans, Jewish Americans and Latino Americans, and has been that way for a long time. Even more important, from the beginning of the war, the owners of the Russian Tea Room have publicly supported Ukraine, and called the Russian invaders barbarian bullies. Also, the restaurant was opened in 1927 and operated as a haven for Russian expatriates fleeing the Communist regime. Also, though its food is “Russian,” that culinary designation dates back to the cold war and CCCP and so-called Soviet Socialist Republics, which were subjugated, and of which there were many, and which now are separate countries. One of The Russian Tea Room’s most popular dishes, a beef-redolent magnificent borscht, is of Ukrainian origin.
People have proudly photographed themselves pouring out Stolichnaya vodka into the gutter. Stolichnaya is manufactured in Latvia, using alcohol imported from Slovakia.
So, you do what you can to combat the sort of thudding ignorance that in so many cases is driving public debate. In our case it was forcing ourselves to consume ridiculously great fig-infused non-Russian vodka, and that astounding borscht, and succulent pierogis. Call us heroes, if you must. We blush.
The cultural ignorance is everywhere. Take me, for example.
I have always said I was half Russian. That is because both my maternal grandparents were Russian. They emigrated in the early 20th century as late teens. My grandfather, Isaac Shorr, was somewhat famous and, arguably, quite notorious — a go-to lawyer for anarchists accused of bomb-throwing, conspiracy, murder and whatnot. The FBI had a file on him. The House Un-American Activities Committee —Joe McCarthy’s favorite government entity — followed his career with interest and, I imagine, wiretaps. He was co-counsel to Clarence Darrow on a murder case similar to Sacco and Vanzetti’s; it involved two Italian anti-fascist immigrants accused of killing a fascist in the Bronx. They quite possibly did it. They were acquitted.
I’m proud of my grandpa. So, I’ve always said I was Russian, with pride. And it was true — both grandparents were from the vast pre-revolutionary “Russian Empire” before they emigrated here for fear of what was going to happen to Jews in the new regime.
However, just two days ago I talked to my brother, an amateur genealogist, who has run this down. My grandpa was born in Berditchev. My grandma came from Stara Konstantinov. Those cities are both in Ukraine. National borders have changed. I am no longer Russian. I am Ukrainian. It feels good.
So we proudly went to the Ukrainian Tea Room. Ordered an extra $26 fig-infused vodka for the greater good of humanity.
—
On our trip back, on Amtrak, we found ourselves in a car in which almost all the seats were facing backwards, away from the plane of motion of the train. The train was full. Several patrons asked the engineer if they could somehow swivel their seats so they were facing forward. When he said no, the seats were fused in place, there was great moaning and distress. Which leads to our first Neurosis Poll Question.
Second neurosis poll question: Do you have even a small dose of brumotactillophobia, which signals that you are bothered by different foods touching each other on your plate?
Okay, on to your questions and answers. But first, a link to this story about absurd politically correct changes wrought by the publisher in Roald Dahl’s books. My favorite is this one: “In his 1983 book The Witches, he writes that witches are bald beneath their wigs….An added line in new editions says, "There are plenty of other reasons why women might wear wigs and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.”
I am going to try to gut this out for the next hour, but am kinda fading and might have to end a bit early.
Q: Gene, I can't do it by myself, so I'm asking for your help and those of the Invitational persuasion should this imperative find royal favor. Not only do we need to update online initialisms and acronyms (like "SNOT" > Some Nastiness Out There), we are falling behind in the adynata race. Yes --- adynata. Those ways of saying something will never happen. You know like "when pigs fly," or "when hell freezes over." Even the Bulgarians are putting us to shame with such beauties as: "When the pig in yellow slippers climbs the pear tree." I know, I know --- hard to top. But we must try to preserve whatever threads of self-respect we have left. SOS.
A: It’s a good idea. Pat and I shall discuss this. I would suggest “When Marjorie Taylor Greene solves the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture, a true but as-yet unproven mathematical number theory describing the set of rational solutions to equations defining an elliptical curve.”
Q: Nance in Detroit. My question: I had a chat with a sportswriter friend about Tiger Woods' tampon stunt over the weekend. We both agreed it was a dumb bro joke, not so sexist as to be worth the ridiculous caterwauling over it, led by Christine Brennan in whatever publication is employing her these days. If the guy hadn't dropped the tampon, it wouldn't even have been public. I mean, one guy out-drives his golf partner and essentially says: You hit like a girl, you might need this later. Is that honestly worth hanging him out to dry? You tell me.
A: I am glad you asked this. I was going to do a poll on it, as though it was an open issue, but gradually came to conclude that Tiger really did need to apologize. Yes, it was intended to be a private joke, and had it remained private, no harm, obviously, just a couple of guys cracking wise locker-room style. But because it didn’t remain private, two things became apparent: Tiger was defining women by their genitalia, which is definitely not good, and he was telling girls they are weaker beings. How do you explain that to a 12-year-old? So, yeah, Tiger did the right thing, and he really didn’t have a choice.
Q: Silver Spring - Thank you for doing this, albeit through this imperfect medium. My Tuesdays are already better.
A: I think the medium is getting better, no? Partially because I am learning how to use it, and partially because substack is always improving itself.
Q: When I go to submit a question for the Gene Pool, it says in the instructions "include how you'd like to be identified." Since you ask, I'd like to be identified as the wisest person in the world, and a hell of an all-around great guy. Do I need to ask a question, or will you just identify me that way? Oh, wait. I guess that WAS a question..
A: This is George Santos, and no, George, I will not be identifying you that way. Also, I suspect your name is not really “Santos,” because that translates to “saints.” I bet you were born Schicklgruber.
Q: Are members of Congress more ill-informed than your average American or is it a toss up?
A: I think that by and large, they are better informed about the issues they care about and complete idiots about issues they don’t care about. So, it’s a wash.
Q: Who’s a smellier floater: Donald Jr. or Hunter?
A: No one is smellier than Donald Jr., other than Donald Sr. and Tucker.
Q: Do you also experience urgency when you have to poop? I poop 2-3 times a day, and at least 10% of them are emergency-level. My wife used to think I was lying about how badly I had to go until I crapped my pants while walking the dog.
A: This affords me the opportunity to link to one of the best things I have ever written, which was the intro to this long-ago chat, in which I team up with a great proctologist to describe, for the first time ever, the “Almost-Home” fecal-urgency phenomenon, and to explain it, medically. It is actually fascinating. It should have won the Nobel Prize in medicine, but got dissed by the judges.
We’re going to dispense with excreta-themed questions now for at least a few minutes. Or should I say we will “eliminate” them?
Q: Gene, is it my imagination or are public figures who favor wearing bow ties much more likely to be pompous assholes than people who don't? Some examples: George Will, Tucker Carlson, Robert C. Smith (The person suing the University of Richmond for $3+ billion removing the name of Smith's forebearer, T.C. Williams, from its law school). Am I imagining this, or do you see it, too?
A: I think the key is whether the tie is being worn as an ironic statement, such as with Pee Wee Herman, Groucho Marx, Jerry Lewis and Stan Laurel. All the rest, yes. I particularly like that Walter Gropius, the bauhaus architect, wore one, because if you google “Gropius” and “asshole” you get some interesting anecdotes. Also, Alexander Fleming, the Scottish Nobel Prizewinning doctor who gave us penicillin, famously found it, but didn’t realize its lifesaving quality until other doctors figured out its application. It took 13 years of people dying in the meantime. So we can conclude Fleming was an asshole, too.
Q: I was in Best Buy the other day and talked to a staff member about VR (virtual reality). The only product that he had was Meta VR developed by Zuck. I'll have to come back to try it when the right staffer is there. My question is, who's tried Meta or other VR and what was your experience?
A: Still kinks to be “ironed” out, vis a vis its failure to deal knowledgeably with irony. There are also some factual glitches. A few weeks ago I reported my experience. I asked it if I was ever involved in a “scandal” and it said I had plagiarized another writer’s work, was punished for it, and promised never to do it again. Not a word of that ever happened.
Of course the question I just answered was about VR, not chatbots. This is the magic of substack. Here I am, editing my answer secretly, once informed of my mistake so it looks like I wasn’t confused but just being contrary.
Q: So now we know why you've incarcerated yourselves. I approve, and yes, Bill Irwin is incredible. Thank you for supporting nonprofit theater. What else are you seeing? More importantly, how do we save nonprofit theaters? I'm told the rule of thumb used to be to sell enough tickets to meet 60% of your costs, and to raise the rest from donors. Now audiences have not returned and figuring out how to survive on 40% is more realistic.
A: Rachel, who is an actor, points out that nonprofits have already addressed this problem by creating another revenue stream via vastly overpriced drinks. It will buoy you to know that we also saw (this is true) the Czech-American Marionette Theater’s production of a Vaclav Havel play about communist life in a brewery. It was quite excellent.
Q: So what do you think of the term "hand-wringing" in this lead of a news story on Page A1 of The Post? "After two weeks of intense outreach and citywide hand-wringing over the future of the homeless campers at McPherson Square, the National Park Service evicted dozens of people from their downtown tents Wednesday morning and arrested two men who refused to leave." Don't you think of "hand-wringing" as a mocking, pejorative term for being sincere but ineffectual, like something George Will would say liberals do? -- Wrung Out in Md.
A: Yeah, that’s bad. “Hand-wringing” is mocking, on a par with “pearl-clutching” or “tooth-gnashing.”
Q: When I was a young girl I started wondering how you get pregnant. I am no longer a young girl so back in the day when old people were young, we didn't have sex education in school. I asked my mother but she would not talk about anything involving sexuality. Going to the library probably would have gotten a young girl expelled if she picked up a book about pregnancy or sex. No internet so what was a young girl to do. Especially one who was sheltered. So I asked my grandmother. I can still remember her exact words in a shocked voice "When you find out you won't even let a boy touch your hand." Then she walked off upset and wouldn't let me ask any other questions. For a long time, I thought if a boy touched my hand I would get pregnant. Needless to say, I was not very popular with boys because I was terrified they would touch my hand. I was a dumb child. —RLP
A: My ma taught biology, and when she gave me the talk, she was quite scientifically explicit, what goes where, etc. What she pointedly neglected to tell me was that the act itself feels really good. So I thought it was something disgusting you HAD to do if you wanted a baby. The only question I had was to ask reassurance that the daddy didn’t PEE in the mommy, and she solemnly assured me that was not the case. I recently heard of another such talk, and afterwards the girl asked, “How do you get the daddy to DO that?”
Q: The week 6 contest (picture captions) includes image C, which shows a female acrobat slugging a gentleman in the audience. I'd love to know the original context of this picture. David M.
A: You will learn on Thursday, when the results are published in the Invitational Gene Pool.
Q: I was reading along and my mind began to drift. My brain processed the word generally as juh-NAIR-roll-E. What words have you ever had trip you up when you weren't concentrating fully on what you were reading? Extra points for having it be humorous rather than just strange. --Jon Gearhart, Des Moines
A: I have writ this before. For the longest time I pronounced “awry” as “AWW-ree.”
Q: Gene --- The give-and-take in the last comments about immediately "getting" one of the entries (Pence's "fly" --- the one on his head) raises the perennial question of what's funny --- also known in Invitational circles as perpetual peevishness. What makes us smile or laugh tends to be highly subjective but, I maintain, there's an as-yet-undiscovered "funny" (as in being amusing and/or amused) gene that you are either born with, or not. Its effect may be latent in some, but eventually reveals itself. For those sadly born without the "Gene gene" (so extraordinary they named it twice) --- and only capable of learned amusement --- what guidance can you offer about what's funny and how to spot it ? Dale of Green Gables
A: The “fly” example doesn’t really depend on your sense of humor so much as your memory and knowledge of political pop culture. You needed to remember both that Pence prissily refuses to be alone with a woman who is not his wife, and also that he suffered the presence of a fly.
However, your larger question is a good one. I would cite Dave Barry here, as I have before. A sense of humor relies on your understanding that the world is absurd and scary. This is Dave’s quote: “A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which you realize that you are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how you release the anxiety of this knowledge.”
Q: I know you're already a fan (or at least have heard) of the webcomic Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, but this particular strip seems especially up your alley: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/rhymes.
A: I am a fan, and that’s fine, but I like this one better. One of the reasons is that it features a doctor wearing one of those headband reflector thingies, which you only see in comics and never in real life.
Q: Hello, poor wretch, I very quickly became ill on February 27, 2020 with high fever, bad fatigue, dry, hacking cough and inability to eat, probably because of the high fever. I was able to get out of bed after 3 days, but the cough persisted. I had not been to China or on a cruise, so no test for me. I am now vaccinated and triple boosted and I have (per the records) never gotten COVID. If that was COVID, I never want to get it again. In the meantime, I am one of Schrodinger's people: One of you, and not.
A: I am pretty sure that was Covid. From the symptoms and because it happened exactly at that time, and exactly in that way, to a friend of mine, and a doctor diagnosed it. So you are vaccinated AND immunized.
Q: Gene, I think I just got COVID for the first time too. I was on a plane for a brief weekend trip to Florida, and I think I got it there. I've not tested positive yet, but my nose is running like a faucet, I have brain dullness (more than usual!), and a general feeling of very minor malaise. Here's the question: a fellow parent (this was a youth sports trip) and I were talking Saturday, and we were bragging (that's the only word I can use, if I'm being honest) that neither of us had tested positive for COVID. Three days later, she has tested positive, and I think I'm going to test positive shortly. So my question: is this proof of a supreme being, a deity with a sense of irony? And if you don't know the answer, can you tell me what Roger Dalrymple would say?
A: Hey, I wrote a long public post not long ago sort of humblebragging that I hadn’t gotten it. So I have you beat. Roger Dalrymple would say “Roger Dalrymple.”
Q: Aren’t you glad Jimmy Carter hung in there and didn’t die during the Trump Administration? Can you imagine the “kind words” Trump would have said, or what would have happened as far as official support from the White House?
A: Brings me back to my favorite critique of Trump. People who like him think him “manly,” but as the pettiest person on Earth, he is the opposite of manly.
Q: As a founding member, I am awaiting my paperwork and corner office. Please advise as to other special treatment you offer we spendthrifts.
A: Haven’t you received your “swag bag” yet? It’s like the one given to the writers of the Academy Award speeches. Worth about $30,000 in goodies, tickets to hot Broadway shows, French perfumes, etc. I’ll definitely look into it.
Q: Can a cult be too large to effectively deprogram its members? If so, what’s the answer?
A: Depends on what you define as a cult. If you extend it to major world religions, I’d say we’re way past the point of deprogramming.
Q: Will anyone have the guts to indict Trump?
A: I am not sure it is a matter of “guts.” I think it is about legal judgment — the perceived strength of the case, and likelihood of winning. You don’t go after Trump unless you will get him — if you don’t you strengthen his political hand. I know others disagree.
URGENT EXPLANATORY NOTE: PARTICIPATION IS LOWER THAN USUAL BECAUSE SUBSTACK IS EXPERIENCING AN OUTAGE IN ITS EMAIL SERVER, MEANING HUGE SWATHS OF USERS NEVER GOT NOTIFIED THAT THE GENE POOL (AND OTHERS) WAS UP. I AM STILL ANSWERING QUESTIONS, BUT MAY HAVE TO DEPART BEFORE THE PROBLEM IS FIXED, OR AS I LIKE TO SAY, “RECTIFIED.”
Q: Back in 2011, the NYT posed this question on their Opinion pages: "The federal government requires applicants for certain civil service jobs to take a written exam. The same holds true for the foreign service. And to become a U.S. citizen you have to pass a civics test. Why do we not require a similar exam for individuals who seek election to office?" Given that certain current members of Congress would undoubtedly fail any test related to Congressional rules, American history, election laws, etc., isn't issuing such a test a way to keep some of the biggest crackpots out of Congress? And, yes, I recognize that Sens. Cruz and Hawley, as crackpotty as they are, would probably pass such tests. I hope you feel better, Gene!
A: Thanks. Here is the problem with that scenario: Unlike the other cases, these people are voted in by the citizenry. They are entitled to choose whoever they want. It would be a subversion of democracy, I think, to require a test. Unconstitutional, probably.
Q: "You don’t go after Trump unless you will get him — if you don’t you strengthen his political hand. I know others disagree." True, but there is an aspect of cowardice, too, I believe. They know that there will be a backlash from the MAGAts if Trump is indicted, and I think guts are lacking here. There is a plethora of evidence by now. The perception is that Trump is getting away clean.
A: I know prosecutors a little bit. I don’t think they allow themselves to be driven by the dangers of public outrage.
Q: I still have not had Covid, and I worry that I feel a little smug about it. Does it feel like a defeat now that you actually have a positive test?
A: I never really felt smug about it, except in the sense that I disdained the unvaccinated and was proud that I got jabbed as soon as I could. But I did feel lucky. I now feel unlucky.
Q: I recently read that TWO MORE Republican politicians have apparently lied significantly to their electorate, though I believe Santos still has the all-time record to date. Is this the new Republican platform?
A: As a journalist I cannot take that position. Oh, wait. I can. Dems have lied, of course but for many years there has been — obviously — an amoral strain running through the core of the party. Win at all costs. Disenfranchise Democrats, etc.
Q: Mark Twain, I believe, commented on what he called "The Infernal Cussedness of Things In General." I have always interpreted this as meaning something like "The Universe is Out to Get Me." I am a lifelong atheist, but I will confess that sometimes it does feel like that.
A: Okay, but that doesn’t suggest there IS a God. An implacable Universe run by colliding atoms and such can still be out to get everyone, operating under laws of math and physics that maximize entropy and whatnot.
Okay, folks. Thank you all, and sorry for the substack glitch. Those intrepid few of you who found your way here did splendidly. See you on Thursday, I hope, with the Invitational.
Re the suggestion of an "adynata" contest: We (or actually Gene) did this contest back in 1998, along with asking for synonyms for "yes," as in "Is the Pope Catholic":
Report from Week 260, in which you were asked to come up with replacements for the hackneyed comeback lines "Is the pope Catholic?" (meaning "yes") and "When Hell freezes over" (meaning "never.")
To replace "When Hell freezes over":
Fourth Runner-Up: Just as soon as there are luge fantasy camps. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Third Runner-Up: Sure, when they come out with non-alcoholic Ripple. (Art "Ranked 13th in Style Invitational wins, So I Don't Get Even a Mention in the Article, Not That I'm Bitter" Grinath, Takoma Park)
To replace "Is the pope Catholic?":
Second Runner-Up: Does Kaczynski poop in the woods? (Alan Rosenzweig, College Park)
First Runner Up: Did Eusebius of Nicomedea protect the doctrine of consubstantiation by exploiting Constantine's fear of Sabellianism? -- William F. Buckley, Jr (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
And the winner of the Mr. Potato Head massager:
Does Bill Gates fill out the long form? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
Honorable Mentions:
When the answer is obviously "yes":
Are you already a finalist for the Publishers Clearing House grand prize? (John Kammer, Herndon)
Did the CIA lie about the radio transmitter implanted in my buttocks? (Matt Brown, Silver Spring)
Could the White House use some inflatable interns? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Will the Enterprise avoid imminent destruction by inverting the flux capacitors, modulating the phase inducers and rerouting power from life support to engineering?
(John Kammer, Herndon)
Can Suharto get a free meal in Jakarta?
(Jose Cortina, Centreville)
Is the former pope dead?
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Is the Whitehurst Freeway under construction? (David Genser, Arlington)
Where the answer is obviously "no":
Does Casey Martin have a leg to stand on? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) [Martin, a golfer, lost a leg]
When slide rules make a comeback.
(George Alan Esworthy, Cary, N.C.)
When "The Family Circus" introduces a gay character. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
When there's a perfume named Gangrene. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
When Miss Manners starts picking both nostrils at once. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
When Clark Kent switches to contacts. (John Allen, Charlottesville)
When car dealerships are not featuring their "best prices of the year." (John Kammer, Herndon)
When Dr. Laura has an affair with a drunken atheist who doesn't pay child support and lives with his parents. (Tom Morgen, Laurel)
Just as soon as they introduce "The Linda Tripp Barbie." (Robin D. Grove, Arlington)
When Janet Reno becomes "Justice Spice." (John Kammer, Herndon)
Format C: drive? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
As soon as Sidwell Friends installs metal detectors. (David Genser, Arlington)
When people are delighted to get their first copy of Modern Maturity. (Nora Belle, Washington)
When there is a "Pope Steve I." (Jose Cortina, Centreville)
When people land on the moon! -- D. Quayle, Indianapolis (T. Witte, Gaithersburg)
And last: When the Style Invitational takes criticism graciously. -- Some buck-toothed, microcephalic mouth-breather from Inbred County, W. Va.; (John Allen, Charlottesville)
Re the "hand-wringing" in the news story: I'm guessing that the sentence wasn't /intended/ to be loaded, just to indicate worry and discomfort. So instead of "After two weeks of ... citywide hand-wringing over the future of the homeless campers," better would have been something like "anguished debate," or "a two-week quandary over the future of..." rather than "hand-wringing," which is a /criticism'/ meaning that the person is just standing there doing nothing except being upset. The criticism might well be deserved, but it belongs in an opinion piece, not the lead of a news story.