Punch Me. I'll Like It.
Good Sunday to you. I am going to take in a Bowie Baysox (Orioles’ minor league team) game today with my daughter and young grandkids. By the end of the game, I plan to have the kids be experts on the proper mechanics and application of the hit and run. Max is five. Eliza is three. Max plays tee-ball but he and his teammates are not solid yet on, say, the fact that you have to run to first base after hitting the ball. Wish me luck.
As with every Sunday, today is the day I ask you for questions and observations that I can use in the Gene Pool on Tuesday. Please send in your stuff here:
As always, I never ask for something on Sundays without giving something back in return. What I am looking for this week is whatever you have to say or ask about anything you want to say or ask, but also, in particular, this: Jokes. A certain type of joke: not entirely universally known, a joke with a setup and/or punchline that is unusually unexpected and even weird. Your jokes should be odd enough that you recognize they may not be to everyone’s taste, except for most of the funny people you know and like.
Here is what you get in return, also serving as examples. A few of my favorites of this type of joke.
Q: What’s the difference between a duck?
A: ?
Q: It has one leg alike.
Man is at a party and knows no one but the host, of whom he asks, “Is there anyone I should get to know here?”
“See that guy over there? He’s one of the world’s most famous beekeepers.” So the guy sidles over, introduces himself, and says “I hear you are a beekeeper.”
“Yep.”
“How many bees do you have?
“8,000.”
“Wow! Where is your apiary?”
“I don’t have an apiary. I keep them in my apartment.”
“You keep 8,000s bees in your apartment?”
“Actually, in a closet in my apartment. Actually, in a shoebox in the closet.”
“You keep 8,000 bees in a shoebox in your apartment???”
“Yeah, f—- ‘em.”
Guy is feeling sick so he goes to his doctor, gets a battery of tests. Doctor sits him down and says, “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You have syphilis, gonorrhea, genital warts, crabs, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, chlamydia, suppurating herpes, pubic lice, and AIDS.”
“Omigod, Doc what can you do for me?”
Doc pats the patient’s knee.
“We’re going to put you on a strict diet of pancakes and flounder.”
“And that’ll cure me, Doc?”
“No, but it’s all we can slide under the door.”
And finally here is a joke told to Dave Barry by Richard Jeni, the very fine standup comic, many years ago. It was Mr. Jeni’s favorite joke. Don’t want to be a downer, but not long afterward, he died by suicide. I don’t know if there is any connection to the joke.
Man buys a used motorcycle at a great price. The seller warns him that the finish is a little thin, and if he ever realizes he’s going to be leaving it out in the rain, he should first rub it up with vaseline. Guy leaves on the bike, picks up his girlfriend. They are going to her parents' house where he will be meeting them for the first time. On the way, the girlfriend tells him, “Whatever you do, do not talk during dinner. Not a word. My father is eccentric. Anyone who talks during dinner has to do the dishes." When they arrive at the house, the guy sees that every square inch of it is covered with dirty dishes. The floor has troughs of tip-toe walking space amid dirty dishes. The bookcases are filled with dirty dishes. Dirty dishes are in the chandeliers.
Dinner begins. The guy DOES NOT SAY A WORD. NO ONE DOES. After a while the guy decides he has been presented with a great opportunity. Since no one can say anything, no one can complain about anything. So he urges his girlfriend onto the table — she does not object, this is consensual! — and has sex with her right there. Then he does the same, with the same silence and clear implied consent, with the ma. Then he looks out the window and sees it is starting to rain. He says: “Does anyone have any vaseline?" And the father stands and says, "It's all right, I'll do the dishes."
See? Weird, but good.
Send em in here:
My husband’s favorite joke is a visual one that might not translate well to this venue but here goes: why is shit tapered on the ends? So your asshole doesn’t slam shut. The joke comes with a hand gesture of slamming your hand shut, not an actual asshole shot, but it is way funnier with the hand gesture.
The joke that made me unexpectedly laugh out loud (and considering my personal feeling on the subject, when I laughed, I was appalled at myself for laughing) was: “What does a woman do when she gets back from the abused women’s shelter?” Answer: The dishes, if she knows what’s good for her.
The bee joke is very like the hobby joke on one the 1960s "You Don't Have to Be Jewish" comedy records. It went something like this: "Max, you're too tense. You need to relax. You should get a hobby." "A hobby?" "Yeah, a hobby, like me, I keep bees." "You keep bees?" "Yeah, I get a big glass jar, and I fill it full of bees, and I watch them. It's very relaxing." "So what, you give the bees food and water?" "No." "You poke holes in the lid so the bees can breathe?" "No." "So what happens to the bees?" "They die." "They die?!!!" "So who cares, it's only a hobby."