Pointing the Way: An Op-ed for the Wa-po.

To The Washington Post:

Please accept this submission for your op-ed pages. I have included illustrations for your exclusive use. I believe my piece conforms to your new strictures, requiring only opinions defending free markets and personal liberties:

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I’m mad as hell about all the threats to the existence of free markets, particularly tariffs. Instead of leveling the playing field, tariffs distort it. For example, imagine you are a Mexican boxer fighting against an American boxer in Altoona, Pa. And your bucktoothed Americans hosts make you, and not your opponent, drag around one of these balls and chains.

You’re gonna get your ass kicked! Is that free? Is that fair? So then, when an American goes to fight a Mexican guy in, say, Guadalajara, they’re gonna get back at us. They’re gonna make the American wear a chastity cage!

So, no. I, like all wise Americans, am in favor of no restrictive or punitive tariffs. Let’s compete as usual on the basis of product quality and bribes where necessary.

And don’t get me started on personal liberties!

Too late. I’m going to start. I’m all for extending personal liberties by reducing Deep State control over our lives. And by “our,” I include corporations, which, according to the Supreme Court, are people except for not being able to have sex and defecate.

For example, this whole patent and trademark thing. Why should the government regulate our personal business decisions like that? Why shouldn’t I be able to manufacture a line of bidets under the name “Trump® Ass Washers”? Or the “Amazon®” line of airline vomit bags?

And why should the government be able to tell me what sex I am? We have freedom of expression! If I want to identify as a schnizzle, which I declare to be a sterile, twelve-breasted egg-laying fish with gonads the size of mature gophers, why should the jackbooted government stop me?

We should not be subject to the whims of the politicized, left-leaning justice system. Shouldn’t we all have the freedom, without fear of prosecution, to continue the recent practice of depositing warm dog poop bags on Teslas parked in the street? Should I not also be free, if it is my desire, or if it is my parents’ desire, for me to die of measles, like that kid just did in Texas, the anti-vaxx state?

Personal liberties include free speech, which I hereby support as though it were testicles and I were a jockstrap.

Imagine this one: I buy and pay for an ad in the New York Times offering $20,000 to any worker at Mar-a-Lago or the White House who can offer proof that they smeared a booger on Donald Trump’s bed or bathroom? No one would have to win for it to have the desired effect: Standing up for my rights and filling Mr. Trump with daily mortal terror.

And finally, with regards to free expression, I think we ought to be able to say anything about anyone without fear of reprisal by the liberal courts. If we feel someone is a rapist, we should be free to say so, or a lifetime bigot, or an ignorant blowhard, or a porcine pork person, or a malignant, delusion, licentious, clownish traitor, or just a plain old douchebag. By God, it is our right and our duty to do so.

Thank you, Washington Post. Please send my check to the American Civil Liberties Union, if they still exist when you get this.

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