Plugging In The Gene Pool

Hello. Welcome to the Weekend Gene Pool, in which you get entertained, and, in return, we get your questions and observations on a subject of our choosing, to deal with later. Today, this exciting exchange of goods and services is three-pronged. You can respond to any or all of them.

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Prong One — Your own personal comeuppance.

On Tuesday, I stumbled on a headline that snapped me to attention. It was on a reputable medical news site, from a reputable medical journal, and it read thus:

Dementia Mortality Tied to Olive Oil Consumption

Results appear to be independent of overall diet quality

I copied the story url and gleefully sent it to my friend and editor Tom The Butcher. There is an ongoing food fight between us, and I had just won.

Tom is very health conscious about food, to the point of (in my opinion) denying himself some tasty fare. I am not such a person. In cooking, Tom eschews butter in favor of olive oil. I call butter “French Sauce,” to give it some dignity in a world of health sanctimony, and I use it liberally. To me, olive oil is pretty much reserved for the blander salads.

Tom, in general, is a food tsk-er. (I once brought to a party a nifty beet-cured raw salmon dish I had made, and only Tom declined to try it, looking at the home-cured raw fish with suspicion, the way one might contemplate a flaming paper bag on your doorstep. … “You’re all gonna die!”).

But the olive oil-butter fight is our big deal. Tom frequently suggests, dryly, that I should try to improve any dish by adding “two sticks of butter.”

So I emailed the url of the medical story to Tom, with with this note: “You are doomed. Prepare your will.  And prepare for institutionalization.”

A couple of minutes later, Tom phoned me. He sounded very placid. Quiet, actually. Measured, calm, unperturbed. Nice. Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.

“So, ah,” he said, “did you read the story?”

“Nah, just the headline.”

“I see.”

Tom explained: It turns out that the effect of olive oil that they are referring to, under that odd headline, is extremely positive. Olive oil counteracts dementia and death.

That’s your first challenge: Tell us something of this nature that you did, or someone you know did, only to get an embarrassing comeuppance. Something that backfired. It doesn’t have to be the result of an attempt to one-up someone else, but it should depend on hubris, or braggadocio, or attempted humor that didn’t work. And, you know, the upshot should be amusing or ironic.

Send it to the Prong 1 orange button, and please label your confession “Prong 1”:

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Prong Two — On Tuesday, reader Sean Clinchy sent in this post:

“This might be the the closest thing to a perfect joke:

“They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.”  

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He’s right. It’s concise, it cleverly subverts the meaning of a familiar phrase, utilizing what Dave Barry considers the heart and soul of humor, something he calls “jiu-jitsu” — an unexpected collision of two frames of reference. You think you’re going one way, then — bam — you’re on your ass on the mat.

So, that’s challenge number two. Send in what you consider a perfect, or near-perfect joke. Obviously, this doesn’t have to be your joke — you’re probably not that clever — but it would help if it isn’t all that well known, or, if it is well known, you feel it is under-appreciated. The key is that, upon reflection, it elicits “Wow. That’s almost perfect.” Defend your choice, if you think it would be helpful.

Send to Prong 2 Orange Button, which goes to the same place as prong one, but it seems an altogether classier system this way. And please label your entry “prong two.”

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Prong 3 — Remember many months ago when I introduced you to John Beresford Tipton? That was the nickname I gave to an anonymous benefactor — taken from the old TV Show “The Millionaire” — who offered to contribute several one-year paid Gene Pool gift subscriptions to worthy readers. We did a quick little contest, and chose five winners. J.B. Tipton came through, and actually did it one more time, later.

Well, we have another anonymous benefactor! This person — a different person — has generously offered to buy a single year’s subscription — a $50 value — for someone. We shall call this new benefactor Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest people who ever lived, who by the end of his life had given away 90 percent of his money to institutions promoting world peace, and to endow colleges and universities and libraries, and to fund scientific research. He did not believe in reincarnation. He believed in doing your good work on Earth, while you have your only chance. Andy would have liked The Gene Pool. He likely would have generously financed me us.

And so, a new, simple contest. Tell us why you — or another person whom you know personally — deserve a small slice of the Carnegie fortune. You must do it in a single sentence of 35 words or fewer (this is generally the word limit for a single sentence that is classically preferred by newspaper editors.). Your sentence must begin with the word “Because,” and then you have a max of 34 words left. YOUR ENTRY MUST INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND EMAIL ADDRESS AT THE END OF THE ENTRY. We won’t publish it, but we need a way to get in touch, in case you win.

One last caveat: Whoever you nominate — yourself or another — cannot currently be a Gene Pool paid subscriber.

NOW AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I am going to be traveling on Tuesday, so am warping the space-time continuum once again. The first Gene Pool next week will not be on Tuesday but on Monday, starting at noon or slightly before.

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And finally, today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll. I am dividing this into two polls, one for men and one for women. Because of a glitch in the Substack system, you will only be able to see the results for the group in which you voted — PLEASE don’t vote in both. I will report back, afterwards, at least twice on Saturday, to tell you the distribution of both votes.

For this question, the following doesn’t count: If the violence occurred in childhood, in athletic competition where violence is a required part of the game, or in the line of duty — in, say, military service, or with a police / security agency, etc.

You may also send in elaborations to your poll answer, if you wish. Send to the orange buttons. I do expect you to be a boringly peace-loving hippie-dippy group, but maybe there will be a surprise or two.

See you all on Monday. If you want, check back today for updates on the vote tally.

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First Gene Pool Update!

An hour after publication, here is how it stands.

Seventy-five votes total.

Overall analysis: Men punch, women slap. No big surprise there. But a majority of you do neither.

Men: Slapped, 10%. Punched, 34%. Both, 2%. Neither, 54%.

Women: Slapped, 25%. Punched, 9%. Both, 6%. Neither, 59%.

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Second and Final Gene Pool Gene Poll Update: (From experience, these percentages will stay roughly consistent):

Two hours after publication. 149 votes, total.

Men: Slapped, 6%. Punched, 29%. Both, 4%. Neither, 61%.

Women: Slapped, 20%. Punched. 8%, Both, 5%, Neither, 67%.

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Okay, Report three, seven hours after publication: 258 votes, total.

Men: Slapped, 8%. Punched, 24%. Both, 5%. Neither, 63%

Women: Slapped, 13%. Punched, 8%. Both, 4%, Neither, 75%

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