One and Won

Polk, JFK, Biden

Hello. I want to look ahead today to history, which sounds like an oxymoron. What I mean is, we’re looking ahead today to the judgment of history in looking back to today. Simple.

America’s one-term (or partial term) presidents tend to have been mediocre, like Gerald Ford, or just plain bad and clueless, like Herbert Hoover. In all, there are fifteen of them. Five have generally been considered above average, but we can eliminate two of those right here, in the Gene Pool, settling the question forevermore.

John Adams was a fine, ethical, erudite man and a genuine Founding Father, but his stubborn self-righteousness put him at war with his own cabinet; he was also something of a closet monarchist, opposing the French Revolution and disapproving of Thomas Paine’s deeply influential, definingly egalitarian and democratic “The Rights of Man.” Meanwhile, Adams’s son, John Quincy, was a magnificent secretary of state — the man who actually wrote The Monroe Doctrine — but who was grumpy and lugubrious and who, more significantly, stole his election against Andrew Jackson through political chicanery; his tangibly illegitimate presidency made him weak and tentative and ineffective.

The remaining pantheon of successful one-termers is, I believe, now a triptych: James K. Polk (1845 - 1849), John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) … and Joe Biden (2021-2025?)

Polk did something unprecedented at the time and unequaled since. He’d made exactly five solemn campaign promises to the people, and kept them all. The first was self-enforced and required self-discipline: He’d promised not to run for reelection, and didn’t. He went home. As president, he also 1) reduced tariffs, 2) established an independent treasury, 3) obtained Oregon from Britain, and 4) obtained California from Mexico. The last one required war. Many politicians at the time, including Abraham Lincoln, opposed this last step, but history proved Polk right. Today, he is considered the last strong president until Lincoln. After efficiently doing all that he said he would do, Polk returned home to his native Tennessee and died almost immediately of diarrhea caused by a cholera outbreak there. His first pledge to the people wound up killing him.

Kennedy — well, you know Kennedy. Passing the torch to a new generation, and thus such. He did. He was a culturally transformative figure, an emblem of youth and vigor, an avatar of what was to be an era of sacrifice for the public good. He screwed up on the Bay of Pigs but recovered magnificently in the Cuban Missile Crisis, where his steadfastness and refusal to blink may well have saved the human species. He got us mired in Vietnam, but in comparison to the human species thing, it doesn’t dent him appreciably.

And now, Joe Biden, an honorable man who loves America for the right reasons. Biden’s greatest accomplishment, one that will never be taken from him through historical reassessment, is the fact that he saved this country from the nightmare of a second term for Trump — a con man, a felon, a fulminating bigot, a rapist, a xenophobe, an admirer of tyrants, a would-be assassin of long-held alliances with long-time allies, an enemy of democracy, a congenital liar, a toxically divisive figure, an insurrectionist traitor, a boorish, vindictive, ignorant man. The worst president in American history.

Biden’s command of foreign policy mostly has led us through a perilous time with good judgment and dignity. The economy is bustling. He has done almost everything right. But Biden’s second greatest achievement may well be defined by what he did on Sunday. No doubt feeling hounded by his friends, beset and abandoned by his party, humiliated before the people, unjustly accused of senescence, undoubtedly feeling all of that — Joe Biden, who never has been all about Joe Biden the way Trump is all about Trump, faced political reality and did what he thought was right for his country. It was, in one short word, brave.

That also cannot be re-negotiated by historians. Especially if Kamala Harris wins the election, this will be universally seen and applauded as a grand act of patriotism over ego, selflessness over ambition. I think Biden may be elevated by historians to that “near great” category, beside Harry Truman and Woodrow Wilson and Dwight Eisenhower. And he’ll be the only one-termer in there.

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We interrupt this interminable history lesson for today’s two Gene Pool Gene Polls:

We’re not going to find out exactly what persuaded Biden to take this sudden, surprising step for some time — maybe not till the books start arriving. But I have a suspicion it will have pivoted on something someone he trusts — Obama, perhaps — will have pointed out to him, or that he realized on his own. Paradoxically, it has an element of selfishness.

At this moment in history, Biden’s legacy is solid. He has been an “above average” president, at the least, with signal accomplishments. A man who did good, who is revered by many, and who will be missed.

Had he stubbornly insisted on running, and then lost to Trump, that legacy would have been upended. In the public consciousness, he would have been the pigheaded half-senile old megalomaniacal fool whose ego and ambition and lack of understanding of his own infirmity, whose willingness to conspire to hide from the public his clear evidence of mental decline, deceived us all, dooming his nation to four years of hell.

I think he was made to see that, and it might have been the final impetus for the noble thing he did. His reputation is clear, his place in history unsullied, and unassailable.

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Here is your real-time orange button, to send in real-time questions and observations, and to register, secretly, implicit in this action, your distaste for orange. Orange bad.

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Before we go live, I want to remind you all of the firehose diarrhea of lies that came out of Trump’s mouth during the same debate in which Biden self-destructed. I have not seen anything better on this subject than Daniel Dale’s phenomenal rapid-fire performance on CNN minutes after the thing ended. This is really worth listening to. It’s short.

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We have now reached the real-time portion of The Gene Pool, where I will answer you questions and observations right here, in real time. Today’s Q’s and O’s so far focus on Biden’s decision, and on my emergency Monday recommendation of Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown as Kamala Harris’s running mate, and also, veering into needed silliness, last week’s call for horrible clothing you once bought and wore. If you are reading this in real time, please remember to keep refreshing the page to get new observations and responses.

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Q:  I love Sherrod Brown, and not just because he has your hair. 

But we can't afford to risk a (fairly) secure Senate seat that would be filled by a Republican governor, with a Republican, if Brown is elected VP. I'm rooting for Roy Cooper, governor of North Carolina.

– Cindi Caron 

A: Yes, this is a valid  point that a few others made.  Sherrod Brown is loved in Ohio, and has been described as the only Democrat who could win in a statewide election there.  I proposed him for two reasons.  The first is that he is time tested, well vetted, a skillful speaker, and is on the correct side of every issue we care about.  To me, he is the most competent and deserving VP possibility, and he MIGHT pull Ohio over to Harris.   The second reason is mischievous. A reader, Janet Hlatky, busted me on that. Yes, Janet, it would mean the debate between Veep candidates would be between Ohio’s two senators.  What a joy.   Brown would wipe the floor with the callow, inexcusably woman-hating reactionary J.D. Vance, whose flaws Brown knows all too well and can adroitly exploit.

But yes, a Brown candidacy for Veep would surrender the state to Republicans in the Senate, and that probably makes him politically untenable as a choice.

I like Cooper, too. And he could turn North Carolina blue, which would be big.

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Q: J.D. Vance is scheduled to be making a campaign stop in my little SW Virginia city. No kidding. Who knows why. We have only 16,000 residents, including the 6,000 college students, and were the western-most blue dot on the 2020 voter results map, surrounded by red for hundreds of miles in every direction, except for a few other college towns. Maybe it’s because the local university field house holds 3,800 people and can be rented, which the campaign has done

Unless he makes the entire 350 mile trip from Middletown, OH in a helicopter, Vance’s entourage will have to drive past my house to get to the rally. My street is two lanes each way divided by a median, and becomes one lane each way nearer the college. Traffic backs up well past my house every graduation day. He’ll probably be slowly creeping past my house. From my front porch, or maybe lounge chairs, I’ll get a close-up view of all the brouhaha my stomach can handle.

My brother suggests I sell concessions from my driveway–$10 cups of lemonade and ketchup-enhanced commemorative ear bandages–to the faithful. I’ll pass on that, but my yard is the perfect spot for a sign.

What should it say?

A: It should say VANZ KANT DANZ.

None of the MAGATs will have any idea what it means, so they won’t burn down your house. Only progressives will get it because we like good music.

Vanz Kant Danz is a song written and recorded by John Fogerty, late of Creedence Clearwater Revival. He wrote it about a guy named Saul Zaents, a music and film producer who Fogerty claims stole lots of money from him. Fogerty changed the song from Zanz Kant Danz to Vanz Kant Danz when threatened with a lawsuit.

It’s delightful, and fitting. The refrain goes “Vanz can’t dance” — meaning, he has no talent himself — “… but he’ll steal your money. Watch him or he’ll rob you blind…”

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Q: I like Cuomo for VP…. Mean bastard., articulate, knows how to govern, looking for the redemption being chosen by a strong woman would convey.

– Jon Ketzner

A: Uh, no way.  Among other things, it would erode the best charge against Trump.   I do imagine Trump and Harris debating, and Trump makes some misinformed statement about abortion and / or women’s rights, and Harris’s response is just to cup an ear with her hand and say, “Rapist says what?”

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: JUST CLICK ON THE HEADLINE IN THE EMAIL AND IT WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE FULL COLUMN ONLINE. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Polk, Kennedy, Biden

Q: Gene,

I grew up reading The Washington Post (and The Washington Star. Yes, my parents subscribed to both and I remember the hoopla when the Star switched from an afternoon paper to a morning paper).

It's always been a part of my life. But, man, the current leadership is really trying to drive me away. I find myself asking, "What would they be doing differently if they weren't actively trying to get Trump elected?" I can't believe they continue to pay and publish Hugh Hewitt, Megan McArdle, or Marc Theissen. (I disagree with George Will, but at least he is in the land of reality.)

I really don't want to drop my subscription. But I am getting terribly close. 

What do I do?

A:  I think you should watch them through the election, then make your decision.  The thing about The Post that really bothers me is the near unanimity of opinion among members of the editorial board, and the columnists – left, center and right – is that the party should hold a full-bore wide-open convention.  

Wrong. 

The party should nominate Harris through near-universal acclaim, but do it up from the bottom, not down from the top.  And that is what they are doing, persuading the electors.   A messy convention would delay Harris’s legitimacy and present a disorganized front – when all that matters is defeating Trump. 

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Q:  The Veep should be Sheldon Whitehouse, in support of aptonyms everywhere.

A: I like your spirit. And your priorities.

Q: I feel bad for Biden. What a way to end decades of service to our country.

A: As should be clear now, I disagree.  I think it is a great way to end it.  A noble way to end it.  A heroic way. 

Q: Gene, it is Monday and I woke up this morning with two feelings I have not had for some time: hope and optimism. I truly believe Harris should co-opt the Hope trope from the Obama campaign. I actually believe she can win and win decisively and I, a Southern-born, racist-bred White male am thrilled by the prospect. 

A:  Your feelings are reflected in the results of the poll, so far. 

This is Gene.  I just got this note from Pat Myers, the world’s greatest and most dedicated copy editor, about Barack Obama’s statement on Biden from two days ago:  

“Nice sentiments.  There's a grammar mistake.”

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Q: The clothing item that I regret was a pair of Levi's button fly jeans. I didn't realize how much longer it would take to undo my fly for a trip to the bathroom.  I think I wore them once. I don't know why they got so popular.

A: I wore my one pair about three times before adjusting my usage.  The buttons were such a pain in the ass that, at the urinal, I eventually just undid the top two buttons and shimmied the top of the pants down to mid-thigh.  As I said, it was my one and only pair.

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Q: I believe that a frail and confused Biden made the proper decision to end his bid for another term.  However, because of this country's widespread racial prejudice, the election of Kamala Harris will be difficult indeed.  Moreover, if an experienced, capable woman such as Hillary Clinton could not defeat Trump, how can we expect more from Harris.  Also, if she were to be replaced as the nominee, the Democrats would surely lose the African American vote it so desperately needs.  The Trump campaign's optimism is well-founded and the country will suffer unless by some twist of fate the Democrats hopefully prevail.

A: Ms. Harris has obtained $100 millions in donations in her first 24 hours, by far the highest amount in that time in the history of American politics.   Heather Cox Richardson reports today: 

“Endorsements have also continued to mount, with the Congressional Black Caucus, the Congressional Hispanic Caucus, the Congressional Progressive Caucus, the AAPI (Asian American and Pacific Islander) Victory Fund, and the Latino Victory Fund all endorsing her. 

“Labor unions have also backed her: the AFL-CIO, which represents 12.5 million workers, endorsed Harris. So did the Service Employees International Union, with 2 million workers, as well as the United Steelworkers, which represents 850,000 metal workers and miners, and the Communications Workers of America. Other unions endorsing Harris include the American Federation of Teachers, the United Food and Commercial Workers, the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, and the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees.” 

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A: In short, I think you are wrong.  Decent people have been waiting for this.

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Q: A purchase (I am ashamed to admit, a recent one) of a multicolor, multi-patterned, “Boho” style tiered and gathered blouse meant to be worn by someone who is lithe, slender, 5’11” and boobless. Purchased while under the influence of nostalgia for my carefree hippie days (they were NOT carefree) and while forgetting that I am actually 5’1”, decidedly not svelte or lithe and definitely not boobless. Waited too long to return it & have been met with snarky laughter when I try to pass it on to my friends or daughters. I still have it if there are any takers!

A: Did it look like this? I searched for “boho style tiered and gathered blouse.”

This is Gene.   I don’t think Kamala will choose Buttigieg, but man.  He is great. 

This is also Gene.  I just learned exclusively that Brits accept and widely use the clumsy dumbass non-word “orientated.”

This is also Gene, and this may sound snippy.  I mean it only as a guide for all of you.  A reader sent in an anecdote about clothing she once wore to a school recital.  Another reader – or possibly the same reader! – sent in a story about hating a certain seafood salad.  The stories were each 1,500 words long.  

They were well written, and earnest, and funny enough, but were unpublishable because of their length.  

Listen, folks.  If you want to guarantee your observation won’t be printed, send in something racist, misogynistic, homophobic… or 1,500 words long. 

You have to self edit.  Sometimes, if the nugget within can stand alone and is absolutely great, I can whittle it down to, say 150 words, but often I am responding on deadline and haven’t the time. In this industry, logorrhea is bad.  Even diarrhea is preferable.

Just a PSA.  

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Q: I once had a hot pink Fair Isle sweater (shetland wool), handed down from an older but smaller cousin and worn in a state with a climate very much warmer than that of the Shetland Islands.  I couldn't bend my arms to wipe the sweat from my brow.

A: Thank you.  See below.  

Q: I once bought a lamb's wool vest — this was during the very early 1970s. It was untrimmed and unadorned, nothing more than a sheep's pelt cut up and stitched together to make a garment with two armholes. The reverse side was rough leather. It was heavy and abysmally hot. I think it was supposed to look like one of those fur vests Sonny Bono used to wear before he became a Republican. Instead it resembled something a medieval serf would refuse to wear. There were still crayoned tailor's marks on the leather side.

A:  You were wearing a pelt, like Fred Flintstone. .  

Q: It was 1970, and I was in  my first professional job after graduate school. We were living in Detroit after two and a half decades in small-town New England. Hudson's immense downtown store beckoned, and I fell for the fashion line of the time: flared bell-bottom striped pants, and single-color garish shirts. Oy.

I bought a yellow leisure suit in the late 70’s or early 80’s. It is the fact that I thought it looked good that bothers me now. Funny, I don’t feel that same regret about culinary changes in taste—I am not embarrassed at once having loved pixie sticks.

A: Pixie stix were great.   I also liked Nik L Nips, those tiny waxen bottles filled with a half gulp sweet flavored water.  My favorite part was chewing the wax afterwards.

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Q: IMO, Harris needs to go on the offensive. Frequently, loudly and truthfully. Trump gets too much press, because he says a lot of things and wants to be heard. Harris needs to say outrageous, true things about Trump to keep him on the defensive and keep him saying stupid things.

A: Agreed.

Q: I flipped a coin to vote on the first poll question because I really do not know and I don't think anyone else does, either. It was tails (Trump). Not that it matters--I just wanted to see how the Righteous, that is, the readers of the Gene Poll, had voted. Stephanie Smilay

A: And now you know.

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Q: I think you are fundamentally correct about Biden's reasons for stepping down. Biden has many flaws, including, like all people who think they can be the President, an overblown assessment of his strengths. I'm sure he really cares about his legacy. But I also think he is a fundamentally decent man and made a very patriotic decision and deserves all the praise he will get for it, now and in the future,. My mom, who is 89 and recently recovered from a bout of Covid, believes it was Covid. Noting for the record, in case the books prove her right.

A: This may sound silly — it does even to me, and I am saying it — but Biden is a pretty devoutly religious Catholic. I wonder if, on some level, even subconsciously, he felt that in Covid, God was sending him a hint.

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Q: I am approximately Gene's age, and in the 70s I had the additional feature of being impossible to fit in clothes (6' 6", 160 pounds).  At the time there was a chain of "Stretch and Sew" stores featuring the same double-knit fabrics Gene described, and also offering sewing lessons.  I perpetrated several shirts, beginning with a neon green, and a couple of "leisure suits".  Pretty good work if I say so myself, but in a regrettable cause. I also owned, but did not make, a pair of bright red velour bell-bottom pants. I don't have photographic evidence, but I have to assume that they were a few inches too short, about which I was oblivious at the time.  Gary Crockett

A: Here’s what I don’t get, and which I am grumpy about.  Women are allowed to wear pants of any length.  Just below knee?  Clamdiggers.   Mid calf? Pedal pushers or Capri pants. .  Ugly balloony things?  Harem pants!  All in perpetual high fashion.   If a man dares to wear pants that break about an inch above what is consider proper, he is a hopeless weenie who will be pantsed. 

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Q: Reading those worst meal stories jogged loose this ancient memory. I once had the world’s worst chocolate pudding. It was on the first day of 12th grade, shortly after my family had moved to Hawaii. I didn’t know anyone at my new school. When lunchtime came I wandered alone to the cafeteria. The food was unfamiliar, so I just pointed at three things that looked promising. The first one tasted like raw fish. I pushed it aside and cleansed my palate with some sticky rice. That left the chocolate pudding. I took a mouthful and spat it out. Was it chalk flavored Elmer’s glue? No. It was poi. So maybe it wasn’t the worst actual chocolate pudding in the world. But the worst actual chocolate pudding in the world would have been the better choice. – Jonathan Paul

A:  Never had poi. This is from the web: “To me it tasted like wall paper paste...with a consistency of a heavy marshmallow or taffy.”  Someone replied:  “I love the taste of wall paper paste.”

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Q: The most vile thing I've ever eaten was deep fried gruel when I visited a cult based in the Outback desert for a book I am writing. It was just gruel, but deep fried. But no deep frying batter. They just threw it in the deep fryer for 37 minutes. This is all they ate. This is real. Honestly. – Max Barry

A:  That’s disgusting.   Deep fried, thin, unseasoned  oatmeal.   Was this diet some sort of hair-shirt penance for them?  

BTW, I like your books.  It is rare to find humor and deep arcane conspiracies in the same piece of literature.

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This is Gene. I copy us down.

Please keep sending in your questions and observations. I will answer them on Thursday, in the Invitational Gene Pool. Same orange bad button:

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