McCarthy's Secret File!

I have exclusively obtained a list of stuff McCarthy has agreed to, to get the job!

1. He agreed to give "horsey rides" to the children of "Freedom Caucus" congresspersons who support him, even the adult children.

2.  In a startling compromise, he agreed to seat George Santos, the newly elected astonishing liar, but to place his seat in an electrified cage on the floor of the House, with a live lion inside ready to eat him at the first sign of prevarication. 

Another McCarthy had a list, too.

3.  He agreed to a sex-change operation.   It was not completely clear why he agreed to this, but it appears to have gotten her four votes. 

4. He agreed to change his name to "Abraham Lincoln." 

5. He agreed to personally donate $6.2 million dollars to a previously unknown consortium of Jewish, Muslim, Christian, atheist, Unitarian, Hindu, Buddhist, Bahai, and everything else out there including Mesopotamians. 

6. He agreed to this: One congressman's vote will be enough to trigger, at any time while the House is in session, a rap battle with Kevin McCarthy. He goes first. 

7. He will get a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his lower back. 

8. He  will  donate a kidney to any Freedom Caucus member or their family who needs it.

9. Congressperson Bob Good, who has apparently emerged as a major kingmaker, will get to choose what underpants Kevin McCarthy wears every day. 

10.  In a major concession to the Freedom Caucus, only  Lauren Boebert's vote will be required to pass legislation.

11.  Replace mask mandate with gun mandate.