Loose Ends

A few days ago, Rachel underwent a surgical procedure in a surgery place hospital. (I’m writing this early in the morning; my word-retrieval functions aren’t up to speed yet. )

The operation went fine. On the day of the event I sent Rachel’s father some emails reporting her progress, etc.

Email number one:

“Rachel is unafraid. She remains delightfully Rachel. She knows that it slightly embarrasses me in restaurants when she announces, in a stage whisper, that she is “going to urinate.” So, here in the crowded surgery waiting room, she just stood up, and belted it out operatically, and theatrically sashayed off to the loo.”

Rachel’s dad responded: “Let’s just say she gets most of that from her mother.”

Email number two:

“She’s in surgery. It will take at least three hours, so you won’t hear much more from me for a while. Her surgeon will come out to talk to me afterwards.

“Now, I know you have an important question that is dominating your thoughts at this very moment. I will try to address this understandable concern.

“You are wondering if Rachel continued to try to embarrass me in front of others.

“Shortly before she was wheeled off, she had to use the bathroom, so a nurse helped her get off the bed, and then carefully cinched and tied her hospital gown at the rear to preserve her modesty and dignity. Rachel thanked the nurse, took two steps, turned around, re-separated the gown, and mooned me bare-assed.

“In short, everything is going great.”

Rachel’s dad responded: “Now, that’s definitely her mother. “

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From Rachel’s hospital room, here is the lamest effort ever at creating a mnemonic device:

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Next, here is an important principle I now declare to be manifest. We will call it The Weingarten Doctrine. You should file away for further reference.

Consider this recent utterance from Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, trying to explain Donald Trump’s babbling, incoherent, conflicting utterances about Iran’s need to “unconditionally surrender”:

“What the president means is that when he as commander in chief of the U.S. armed forces determines that Iran no longer poses a threat to the United States of America and the goals of Operation Epic Fury has [sic] been fully realized, then Iran will essentially be in a place of unconditional surrender whether they say it themselves or not.”

Here is the Weingarten Doctrine: Whenever a politician adds “of America” to “The United States,” he or she is bullshitting, obfuscating, or outright lying.

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Good.

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Kudos to Arizona Governor Katie Hobbs for vetoing a bill creating a Charlie Kirk memorial state license plate. She said:

“Charlie Kirk’s assassination is tragic and a horrifying act of violence. In America, we resolve our political differences at the ballot box. No matter who it targets, political violence puts us all in harm’s way and damages our sacred democratic institutions,” Hobbs wrote in her veto letter.

“I will continue working toward solutions that bring people together, but this bill falls short of that standard by inserting politics into a function of government that should remain nonpartisan.”

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And finally, the Gene Pool Gene Poll:

I’ve recently noticed that Americans have been increasing adopting some British pronunciations. I’ve already written about dropping the “t” in words like “important,” which has roots in Geordie dialect in northern England. And in the last year or two, suddenly, journos began using the very British “keen on” to mean “interested in” or “enthusiastic about.”

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From the mailbag:

Q: Regarding your call for stupid questions to ask AI: What happens to the partially used bars of soap in hotel rooms when guests check out?

A: Here you go:

Used hotel soap is often collected and sent to recycling organizations like Clean the World, where it is sanitized, melted down, and remade into new bars. These recycled soaps are then distributed to, or purchased by, NGOs, charities, and communities in need worldwide to improve hygiene and reduce waste. The new, hygienic bars are sent to developing countries or homeless shelters. Some hotels, however ,just throw it out.

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Q: Okay, why do left-handed scissors not work well for right-handed people?

A: Left-handed scissors do not work well for the right hand because the blades are a mirror image of right-handed scissors, with the top blade on the left side. When held in the right hand, the natural, instinctive squeezing motion pushes the blades apart instead of together, causing the scissors to fold or tear material rather than cut it.

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And finally:

If you are not a paying subscriber, and I tell you a funny joke here, will you subscribe?

You WILL?

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

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