At one time, I seemed to attract spies (and not very good ones). Lived for 12 years in a pre-war (that would be the last "good" war) apartment building in Manhattan, complete with its own Russian émigré, live-in landlady who apparently hadn't yet got word Stalin and Beria were dead. She took over the building from a relative we appropriately called the "Tsarina." Apart from the unmistakable aroma of cabbage being boiled within an inch of its life, there was nothing to suggest the possibility of "shpionazh" or espionage being undertaken...except. Except ---I noticed mail with government markings began to show up oddly in batches. Clearly someone thought the VA and the IRS were sending coded messages. After much boiled cabbage, we were visited by two neatly dressed young persons asking what we knew about the cook. Shortly thereafter, we noticed her being shepherded into a large dark, unmarked car, never to be seen (or smelled of...) again. The kicker being, when we decided to decamp for your neck of the woods, we left with the $20,000 she (and the "Tsarina") had overcharged us those 12 years, thanks to the tortoise-like, but, in the end, effective, predecessor to the now NYC Rent Guidelines Board. Overcharging was epidemic in the city, and we had automatically filed a claim, as advised, when we moved in.
Having found our way across the river from the wilds of Weingarten Land, one day we noticed a new family of what looked to be Middle East extraction moving in two doors down. One of those perfect families you used to find in that stock photo in a new wallet. Two adorable children, a nattily attired, presumed father and mother --- and a woman whose role we were never able to determine but, perfectly groomed as well. Again, no inkling of any subterfugeous hanky-panky. No furtive looking types in slouch hats and dark glasses hanging around. All was smiles and waves with just the occasional late night visit by several tall, dark-suited men in a very long Mercedes. Nothing to see here, we thought ---lots of tall dark-suited men and women getting in and out of dark, official looking vehicles all over the DC area. Until that is, a visit by two more neatly dressed young persons asking what we knew about the perfect Middle Eastern family. Other than being perfectly groomed and friendly, we said, not much. A week later, on the front page of the newspaper whose name dare not be spoken here, was a picture of the "father" and "mother" --- still looking well-groomed, if now slightly chagrined, but this time surrounded by several tall, dark-suited men with steely gazes and just the hint of self-satisfaction about their mouths. Seem to recall reading of the unexpected return of the perfect family to their native land not long after.
I thought I submitted this already but got a "make this post shorter" warning and I'm not sure what happened after that.
The next door neighbor was parking impaired and she routinely parked partially on our driveway.
One Thanksgiving we were visited twice by cops (the neighbor couldn't walk across our driveway to get to their backyard gate with the truck parked there, so he wanted it towed away), the fire department twice (changing our oil was reported as a 'major chemical spill' and our smoker grill meant our house was on fire - they called the fire department but didn't bother to warn us to flee the building.....hmmm....), and their friend from the county environmental agency dropped by to demand we get rid of the truck because it was a hazard to the Chesapeake Watershed. We never received any reports from these authorities but it was annoying to have the neighbor keep making false reports.
They reported that our dog crapped in their yard (we don't have a dog). They reported overgrown weeds (short, just beginning grapevines and blackberry bushes). When my husband was changing the oil, when he went into the house, they went to the car with a broom and pushed the catch pan away from the drip and called the police. When we didn't comply with their demands to leave our driveway empty, they started smearing food and pouring milkshakes on the side of the car facing their property (they stopped this when I lied to them and said we had cameras installed and the police would deal with the culprits shortly). They made noise complaints about us late at night and the police would drive past the house shining spot lights into the windows or knocking on the door before following the sound of the noise to where it came from (the noise was usually a party at the house two doors down - they celebrate everything) and those neighbors two doors down confronted us about us calling the cops (they saw the cops knock on our door and then go to their house and thought we had complained) I explained we couldn't even hear them because we have blackout curtains on that side of the house (my husband often has to sleep during the day to work late at night, so we are well insulated from light and sound in the bedrooms). The next door neighbors demanded we remove our birdbath because it was 'attracting wildlife' - I responded by making a birdbath that was an old fashioned bowl sink with faucets for the birds to stand on while they drank, and I purchased a massive baptismal and put it in the front yard..
We found the next door neighbor in our backyard trying to see what we were doing (our shed was obstructing his view of our patio) and my husband scared the crap out of him by coming up behind him and telling him to get out of our yard. When all of their attempts to control us failed, they decided to sell their house and move. When they were leaving, they came by to tell us goodbye, like we were old friends. The only time we ever saw them before this was when they were filing a false report or trespassing in our backyard.
Our neighbors in a McMansion had several families living in the house and had a lot of cars (personal and work vehicles). I would come home every day and have to park down the street because all of the five spaces in front of our house had Merry Maids cars parked in them.
My husband laughed at my suspicion that they waited for me to leave for work and then took my space. Then one day he drove me to work. I forgot something and asked him to loop back by the house. We came back to find all the spaces in front of our house now had Merry Maids cars parked in them.
My husband had a truck we rarely used (it guzzled gas) taking up space in the driveway, so we parked it on the street so I could park in the driveway. One day we had a ticket on the truck for parking on a yellow curb. The neighbors had spray painted the curb yellow (getting a lot of paint on our truck), called the cops to report it, and when we moved it back into the driveway, a large panel truck was now parked there forever.
Neighbors would knock on our door and ask us to move the truck. Cops would come by because of a complaint and tell us to move the truck. I got tired of telling everyone it wasn't our truck.
At midnight one snowy night, there was a knock on the door and I answered in my PJs. It was a cop ordering me to move my truck. I said it wasn't my truck and he told me to have my husband move it, then. I told him that it belonged across the street and I pointed out the house. We were on a snow emergency route and if it wasn't moved, he would not only ticket me, but tow it as well. I said "Go ahead." He stormed away and shortly after that, a tow truck showed up and prepared to haul it away. I got dressed and came outside to watch. The cop handed me a ticket and said something nasty about ignoring the previous tickets and I explained, once again, that the truck wasn't mine. About that time the actual owner of the truck ran out of the house across the street and yelled that he was going to move it. I tried to hand the ticket back to the cop who said "Keep it. It has the court date on it." I said "But you see it isn't my truck. Why aren't you ticketing the actual owner." He walked away.
We went to court and found there were dozens of tickets in our name for this truck. When asked how we pled, I said "Not guilty. As I have been telling the officer for years, it isn't our truck." We took a brief recess while the judge checked the ownership of the vehicle (something the cops should have done before writing the tickets) and dismissed the case with her apologies.
Unfortunately, it didn't end there, but that's for another topic - if we ever do vengeful cops and how they get even with you when they feel embarrassed, I have a story to tell.
If it hasn't already been done, I'd love to hear stories about roommates from Hell. And co-workers from Hell. I have stories about both of these (not quite a bad as Seth, but what else could compare to that fiasco?)
At one time, I seemed to attract spies (and not very good ones). Lived for 12 years in a pre-war (that would be the last "good" war) apartment building in Manhattan, complete with its own Russian émigré, live-in landlady who apparently hadn't yet got word Stalin and Beria were dead. She took over the building from a relative we appropriately called the "Tsarina." Apart from the unmistakable aroma of cabbage being boiled within an inch of its life, there was nothing to suggest the possibility of "shpionazh" or espionage being undertaken...except. Except ---I noticed mail with government markings began to show up oddly in batches. Clearly someone thought the VA and the IRS were sending coded messages. After much boiled cabbage, we were visited by two neatly dressed young persons asking what we knew about the cook. Shortly thereafter, we noticed her being shepherded into a large dark, unmarked car, never to be seen (or smelled of...) again. The kicker being, when we decided to decamp for your neck of the woods, we left with the $20,000 she (and the "Tsarina") had overcharged us those 12 years, thanks to the tortoise-like, but, in the end, effective, predecessor to the now NYC Rent Guidelines Board. Overcharging was epidemic in the city, and we had automatically filed a claim, as advised, when we moved in.
Having found our way across the river from the wilds of Weingarten Land, one day we noticed a new family of what looked to be Middle East extraction moving in two doors down. One of those perfect families you used to find in that stock photo in a new wallet. Two adorable children, a nattily attired, presumed father and mother --- and a woman whose role we were never able to determine but, perfectly groomed as well. Again, no inkling of any subterfugeous hanky-panky. No furtive looking types in slouch hats and dark glasses hanging around. All was smiles and waves with just the occasional late night visit by several tall, dark-suited men in a very long Mercedes. Nothing to see here, we thought ---lots of tall dark-suited men and women getting in and out of dark, official looking vehicles all over the DC area. Until that is, a visit by two more neatly dressed young persons asking what we knew about the perfect Middle Eastern family. Other than being perfectly groomed and friendly, we said, not much. A week later, on the front page of the newspaper whose name dare not be spoken here, was a picture of the "father" and "mother" --- still looking well-groomed, if now slightly chagrined, but this time surrounded by several tall, dark-suited men with steely gazes and just the hint of self-satisfaction about their mouths. Seem to recall reading of the unexpected return of the perfect family to their native land not long after.
If anybody can top Seth, I'll be impressed.
I wonder whether that was his real name, or whether Gene retitles the characters in his stories (to protect the identities of the deranged).
It was his real name. If it wasn't, I would have said so.
I don't think your wife was breathing out smoke under the covers (tough to light a cigarette under there). Condensed water vapor, yes?
I thought I submitted this already but got a "make this post shorter" warning and I'm not sure what happened after that.
The next door neighbor was parking impaired and she routinely parked partially on our driveway.
One Thanksgiving we were visited twice by cops (the neighbor couldn't walk across our driveway to get to their backyard gate with the truck parked there, so he wanted it towed away), the fire department twice (changing our oil was reported as a 'major chemical spill' and our smoker grill meant our house was on fire - they called the fire department but didn't bother to warn us to flee the building.....hmmm....), and their friend from the county environmental agency dropped by to demand we get rid of the truck because it was a hazard to the Chesapeake Watershed. We never received any reports from these authorities but it was annoying to have the neighbor keep making false reports.
They reported that our dog crapped in their yard (we don't have a dog). They reported overgrown weeds (short, just beginning grapevines and blackberry bushes). When my husband was changing the oil, when he went into the house, they went to the car with a broom and pushed the catch pan away from the drip and called the police. When we didn't comply with their demands to leave our driveway empty, they started smearing food and pouring milkshakes on the side of the car facing their property (they stopped this when I lied to them and said we had cameras installed and the police would deal with the culprits shortly). They made noise complaints about us late at night and the police would drive past the house shining spot lights into the windows or knocking on the door before following the sound of the noise to where it came from (the noise was usually a party at the house two doors down - they celebrate everything) and those neighbors two doors down confronted us about us calling the cops (they saw the cops knock on our door and then go to their house and thought we had complained) I explained we couldn't even hear them because we have blackout curtains on that side of the house (my husband often has to sleep during the day to work late at night, so we are well insulated from light and sound in the bedrooms). The next door neighbors demanded we remove our birdbath because it was 'attracting wildlife' - I responded by making a birdbath that was an old fashioned bowl sink with faucets for the birds to stand on while they drank, and I purchased a massive baptismal and put it in the front yard..
We found the next door neighbor in our backyard trying to see what we were doing (our shed was obstructing his view of our patio) and my husband scared the crap out of him by coming up behind him and telling him to get out of our yard. When all of their attempts to control us failed, they decided to sell their house and move. When they were leaving, they came by to tell us goodbye, like we were old friends. The only time we ever saw them before this was when they were filing a false report or trespassing in our backyard.
Our neighbors in a McMansion had several families living in the house and had a lot of cars (personal and work vehicles). I would come home every day and have to park down the street because all of the five spaces in front of our house had Merry Maids cars parked in them.
My husband laughed at my suspicion that they waited for me to leave for work and then took my space. Then one day he drove me to work. I forgot something and asked him to loop back by the house. We came back to find all the spaces in front of our house now had Merry Maids cars parked in them.
My husband had a truck we rarely used (it guzzled gas) taking up space in the driveway, so we parked it on the street so I could park in the driveway. One day we had a ticket on the truck for parking on a yellow curb. The neighbors had spray painted the curb yellow (getting a lot of paint on our truck), called the cops to report it, and when we moved it back into the driveway, a large panel truck was now parked there forever.
Neighbors would knock on our door and ask us to move the truck. Cops would come by because of a complaint and tell us to move the truck. I got tired of telling everyone it wasn't our truck.
At midnight one snowy night, there was a knock on the door and I answered in my PJs. It was a cop ordering me to move my truck. I said it wasn't my truck and he told me to have my husband move it, then. I told him that it belonged across the street and I pointed out the house. We were on a snow emergency route and if it wasn't moved, he would not only ticket me, but tow it as well. I said "Go ahead." He stormed away and shortly after that, a tow truck showed up and prepared to haul it away. I got dressed and came outside to watch. The cop handed me a ticket and said something nasty about ignoring the previous tickets and I explained, once again, that the truck wasn't mine. About that time the actual owner of the truck ran out of the house across the street and yelled that he was going to move it. I tried to hand the ticket back to the cop who said "Keep it. It has the court date on it." I said "But you see it isn't my truck. Why aren't you ticketing the actual owner." He walked away.
We went to court and found there were dozens of tickets in our name for this truck. When asked how we pled, I said "Not guilty. As I have been telling the officer for years, it isn't our truck." We took a brief recess while the judge checked the ownership of the vehicle (something the cops should have done before writing the tickets) and dismissed the case with her apologies.
Unfortunately, it didn't end there, but that's for another topic - if we ever do vengeful cops and how they get even with you when they feel embarrassed, I have a story to tell.
If it hasn't already been done, I'd love to hear stories about roommates from Hell. And co-workers from Hell. I have stories about both of these (not quite a bad as Seth, but what else could compare to that fiasco?)