Invitational Week 49: Picture This

A caption contest. Plus comparing Agatha Christie and Chris Christie, and other paired names.

The first of the pictures in The Invitational’s caption contest this week. See six more below.

—

Hello.

Welcome to the Thursday Gene Pool, which, as always, you have been waiting for with bated breath because it contains The Invitational, Week 49, as well as some art from the great Eric Shansby, superstar illustrator for Gene’s former column. (If you illegally convert them to NFTs you can sell them for millions.)

But in the meantime, we will delay you with an extraneous Gene Pool Gene Poll. You are an adult. You have to learn delayed gratification, and we are doing our part.

For Invitational Week 49:  Write a caption — as many as 25 total — for any of the pictures below or the one above. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture — as in “A. [your caption].”  For guidance, inspiration, and plain ol’ entertainment, take a look at the results of Week 6 and the results of Week 22 to see what we like in a caption. Don’t bother tracking down the source of the original; that shouldn’t be the point of your caption.

Click here for this week’s entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-49. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 16, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 21.

The winner gets, just in time to be too late for Christmas, a set of inflatable antlers on which you can play inflatable-ring toss on someone’s head. The Empress walked around in one of these at a Loser holiday party, and to be honest, they tended to tip over. Maybe yours will be perkier. Donated, as so many Loser prizes are, by the redoubtable Dave Prevar.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we’re still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air “freshener” and a personal email from the Empress.

Meanwhile, we need questions / observations / reactions. Gene is traveling out of town, and won’t be answering them in real time today, but he will voluminously respond on Tuesday. Send ’em to this tasteful orange button:

Saming Names: Pairs compared in Invitational Week 47

In Week 47 we asked you to compare any two people who have some common element in their names. Some connections cracked us up not with their pithy wordplay but with their, well, hilariously unfunny but still funny convolution, like this one:  “In 2018, A’ja Wilson was drafted first overall by the Las Vegas Aces. On May 20, 2018, in her career debut, Wilson scored fourteen points along with 10 rebounds in a 101-65 loss to the Connecticut Sun. In 1918 President Woodrow Wilson issued his Fourteen Points, a statement of principles for peace to be used in negotiations to end World War I.”

Don’t worry. It gets better.

Third runner-up:  Linda Blair and Linda Lovelace: The first was famous for what came out of her mouth. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 

Second runner-up:   Clark Clifford served President Johnson. Stephanie Clifford serviced a president’s johnson. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 

First runner-up:   Audrey “Alice Kramden” Meadows and Mark Meadows: Only Audrey knew how to control a fat loudmouth from New York City.  (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.) 

And the winner of the earrings that look as if a cat is trying to run through your earlobe:  

David Cassidy and Cassidy Hutchinson both gained fame and popularity singing on television. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) 

Nope-menclature: Honorable mentions

Adam West: Plays Batman.  Kanye West: Plays Batty Man. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Agatha Christie: Who done it? Chris Christie:  Done.  (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 

Barbara Millicent Roberts vs. Chief Justice John Roberts: Both work with enormous boobs. (Leif Picoult)  

Bart Simpson vs. O.J. Simpson: One gets away with murder figuratively. (Leif Picoult) 

Both Charlie McCarthy and Kevin McCarthy were puppets, but Charlie wasn’t thrown out for scrap. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 

Chuck Yeager vs. Chuck Norris: Norris can break the sound barrier with his bare hands. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Commander (Joe Biden’s dog) and the Washington Commanders:   They both bite. (Mark Raffman)  

Defensive lineman Aaron Donald and Donald Trump: The first is known for penetrating the offense, the second for penetrating offensively. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) 

Don Juan and Donald Duck both spend a lot of time with no pants on. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Don McLean: Bye, bye, Miss American Pie. Donald Trump: Bye, bye, America. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)  

Dread Pirate Roberts would demand absolute loyalty from his crew of miscreants and ne’er-do-wells; John Roberts wishes he could. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 

Fred Astaire: His feet drove his career. Fred Flintstone: His feet drove his car. (Jesse Frankovich)  

George Washington vs. George Santos: One was the first President of the United States and the other was the first Vice President of the United States. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

John Henry and Henry Kissinger: One was a steel-drivin’ man, the other was a deal- strivin’ man. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.)

James Taylor: You’ve got a friend. Taylor Swift: You’ve got 530 million friends. (Chris Doyle) 

Kevin McCarthy and Kevin from Home Alone: The kid from the movie left his house in better shape. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 

Lauren Bacall famously put her lips together and blew. Lauren Boebert famously used her hand. (Kevin Dopart)   

Mean Joe Greene and Marjorie Taylor Greene: One would tear your head off just for spite. The other was a lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.) 

Neville Chamberlain: “Peace in our time.” Wilt Chamberlain: “20,000 pieces in my time!” (Chris Doyle) 

Sandra Day O’Connor: Tolerated a bunch of guys in robes. Sinead O’Connor: Did not.  (Duncan Stevens) 

Sonny Jurgensen had a good day with a touchdown pass. Sonny Corleone would have had a good day with an E-Z Pass. (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.)

The difference between Sen. Tommy Tuberville and Tommy “Pinball Wizard” Walker: Tuberville is just dumb.  (Kevin Dopart) 

Thurston Howell III and Commanders quarterback Sam Howell:  Each is stranded in a desolate place with a clueless skipper and a bunch of losers. (Mark Raffman) 

And Last: Gene Weingarten and Gene Shalit: The film critic has better hair. (Chris Doyle) 

The headline “Saming Names” is by Tom Witte; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 9: Our Week 48 contest to spin a negative sentence or headline into positive-sounding news. Click here for details.  

Last, if you are a free subscriber and can afford a paid subscription, please consider supporting The Gene Pool. Our paying subscribers let us continue to expand and experiment while keeping most of this newsletter free and open to all. It’s $50 a year or $5 a month.

We will see you at the famous Weekend Gene Pool, and then on Tuesday. Please send your observations here:

And now, for the NON real-time Q’s and A’s. Including advice to one’s 15-year-old self:

Q:   I've recently noticed that when I see the numeral 20, I mentally pronounce it “twunny”; but when I see the word “twenty” written out, I mentally pronounce that second T with the crisp enunciation of a Victorian governess. Can you think of any other numbers (or abbreviations or words or anything else) you pronounce differently in your head depending on how you see them?

A:  The one I can think of is “homage.”  In the verb-intensive expression “pay homage to,” I pronounce the H. In the noun expression “an homage to” I pronounce it as in French. I don’t, however, share your “twunny.”  I am better than you. I say “twenny.”  

Q:  To my 15-year-old self:  No, you are not a spinster because you have not had sex yet.  Get rid of that thinking.  It is bad for you.   Spinsterhood begins at 17, minimum.  

A: Thank you.  

Q:  Journo question. Why do Wapo and NYT refer to Trumps lies as “falsehoods”! It means the same thing as “lies,” doesn’t it? Do they think that’s a more acceptable term?

A: I believe they think it sounds somewhat less judgmental, because it actually does.    A falsehood, by definition, is an untruth.   A lie, by definition, is a deliberate untruth.   You see the difference. If a newspaper cannot prove that Trump KNEW the election wasn’t stolen — if he is so self-delusional that he believes most of the fetid crap he flings — “falsehood” is a fairer word, in their calculus.   I suspect most editors actually think that Trump is a shrewd maniac who may well believe much of the garbage he dispenses.   

Q:  A question on the poll. Does having a good sense of humor necessarily mean that a person is funny, or just that they appreciate humor?  I, of course, am both.  I’m asking for other, less fortunate souls.  – Sean Clinchy

A:  I would say that the first always encompasses the second, and not vice versa, but they are both evidence of good senses of humor.  If you have a sophisticated understanding of the cinema, and good taste in what you like, it doesn’t mean you could be a director, and it doesn’t matter.  You are cool. 

Q:  To my 15-year-old self:  Nobody likes a smartass.

A: I don’t just like a smartass.  I love a smartass. One in particular.

Q: Not so much a question as a story, by David Simon, on getting to know the late Anthony Bourdain — midway through there's a scene with the unlamented Kissinger. Thought you'd appreciate and share with other Gene Pool denizens.

A: This is terrific writing about Bourdain. David is a genius.  He writes, he directs, and he vulgarizes. And the Kissinger anecdote is magnificent. 

—

Okay, this is Gene. I am out of here. Am en route to Kansas City, a city to which I come. I’ll be back for the Weekend Gene Pool, and then on Tuesday. Please keep questions and observations coming to the tasteful orange button.