I Say Tomato.

On the left, Andy Warhol’s famous tomato can. On the right, pure art.

Hello. I find myself a little hesitant to write about my preferences in foods. I have learned it can be somewhat perilous. Apparently, it is safer to express opinions about whether, say, home-schooling transgender Muslim abortionists are better people than gay vaccine-denying, atheist, vegan anarchists, than it is to enter the ugly arena of global food criticism.

However, here I go — gingerly. Baby steps first.

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Here are some foods I, and only I, seem to enjoy. I’d call them guilty pleasures, but that’s both inaccurate and cliched. Let’s just call them Food FU’s.

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Big gloppy skinless whole tomatoes, forked right from a dusty can that has sat for a year on the supermarket bottom shelf.

People buy lots of crushed tomatoes, diced tomatoes, tomato sauce and (for some reason) tomato paste, which is pointless, like buying anchovy concentrate. But nobody ever buys the whole tomatoes. I love these soft, flavorful wet sacs of pebbly goo seasoned with salt. Period. They burst when you bite them, like Fruit Gushers or llama eyeballs.

Fish eyeballs.

Yes, if you are having fried fish, the eyeballs are a special treat. Rich fatty flavor and gelatinous texture. They are considered a delicacy in many countries you are afraid to visit. What’s not to like?

Iceberg lettuce. Screw you, lettuce snobs, you trendy enthusiasts of kale, radicchio, and arugula. Iceberg lettuce is clean and watery and does not deliver a “piquant bitter rebuke,” in the words of some pretentious food reviewer I just made up. Iceberg lettuce snaps at you. It can sink a ship. I like that plucky New York attitude. And I like the clean water taste.

Circus peanuts. According to The Web, these have been voted the single poorest quality and most disappointing Halloween treat. Bizarrely, they are colored orange but taste like artificial bananas. They have the consistency and mouthfeel of pool noodles. But here’s the thing: Their jolt is delivered entirely by high-fructose corn syrup and cane sugar, two ingredients that have been unfairly considered bad for you and thus have been wiped from our foodstuffs, which is a shame because they taste great. I like them because they are self-regulating. Yes, they are poison, but they are so big and spongy you can only have one or two before you begin to feel queasy.

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Cottage cheese and sour cream.

My ma used to make this for me. It was my primary comfort food. It helped me embark on a lifelong love of bland. What is good about it? The very slight tartness of the sour cream is mitigated by the very slight curdly, cuddly texture of the cheese. That’s the joy of bland: “Very slight.” It is a challenge to the senses as opposed to, say, habanero peppers, which are a challenge to deadened, insensate taste buds.

It’s a kid’s dish. I am 74 and still make this sometimes. So does my brother, who is 80.

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This being the Weekend Gene Pool, I am now going to ask you to send in your stories about your personal Food FU’s. As always, send them to The Mailbag.

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Only one item from today’s Mailbag, but it is a doozy.

Q: You asked about things of which we were inordinately proud, and I sat for a while trying to think of one—and I couldn’t. I mean, I have things I’m proud of, but inordinately? This question has been nagging at me for weeks now.

But then I thought of one. I have the ability to independently control each eyebrow.

Now, before you raise an eyebrow at this, allow me to explain why I am so proud of it.

I could always raise one eyebrow, but the other one was a follower… not a leader. I couldn’t make it operate on its own. I was relegated to right-eyebrow skepticism only. Until college.

I would sit in loooong, dull lectures, using my fingers to hold my left eyebrow up and then trying to freeze all the muscles in my face until, finally… I could hold it up.

Then I slowly worked my way up to being able to move it independently of my right eyebrow.

So, I can now throw shade from either direction.

I am quite proud of this. Video proof available upon request.

-April Musser

A: Thanks, April. I demand video proof.

She obliged.

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Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

And finally. I am hoping you will support The Gene Pool by converting to a paying subscription. I think April’s video alone is worth the price.