How to Succeed at Gene Pool Without Really Trying

... In Which We Push Your Buttons

Happy Monday. A very short and very purposeful Gene Pool. It might change the world for you. It might not. But first, here are some polls. I try to always deliver a degree of fun even if the rest is disgusting drudgery.

Poll # 1: I, Gene, have not gotten a full-fledged cold since late 2019. No plain, ordinary cold that isn’t Covid. I have never in my life gone anywhere near that long without one. The Web does not seem to address this phenomenon much, as a phenomenon. Is it just me?

Poll #2:

Only if you’ve noticed none / fewer colds, why do you think it is?

Poll #3: And on an unrelated note:

And on a fourth, also unrelated note:

Okay, here comes the other stuff. It’s advisory and possibly boring. I will try to spice it up with accusatory and belittling language.

So far, The Gene Pool (with Invitational) is doing splendidly, significantly better than most new Substacks do: Many readers, many subscribers, many paid subscribers, much participation. The metrics are clear. It’s kind of exciting. Give yourselves a big round of clap. Yes, I already wrote this paragraph and published it on Friday. Some things bear repeating.

You are, however missing one opportunity that I don’t want you to miss. It benefits both of us. You are not filing questions in significant numbers in advance of the chat, despite early alerts on Twitter and FB. Why does that matter? Because I am an obsessive maniac.

I begin reading questions the day before the chat. If I see something early enough, and it requires some research, or deep thought, I have the time to do it and answer at length and in breadth, with literary allusions, philosophical asides, deeply probing innuendo (see what I did there, proctologically?) and so forth. That’s how it worked at The Post. I would sometimes spend an hour on a single question. I can’t do that if I don’t have material to work with in advance. So let’s practice.

Your questions can be sent at anytime, even right now — I am writing this at 4 am — and they always go to the same url, this one. Send in a question. Remember, this is no longer The Washington Post. No stodgy rules of language or subject matter apply anymore. We at Gene Pool are not offended by, say, sex. Or flatulence. This includes the Invitational. We no longer recognize the meaning of the word “inappropriate.” Go nuts, if that is your wont.

How much do I want you to do this? Working with my Substack adviser, Biff Wellington III, I have created this special ugly orange button to make it even easier for you. This is a never-before used button. It is a world debut button. You are in on the ground floor of something big. IGNORE the word link above, if it terrifies you. We have your orange button right here.

See? It says “ask me a question.” Again, the non-orange-button link for questions is this one. But so is the orange button. They go to the same place. But now you also have the orange one that says “ask me a question.” Stop telling me this is confusing.

You will be reminded of this important “questions” link in every Gene Pool, and also will get your own, separate, distinct ugly orange button to leave “comments,” which will specify “comments,” and which, I need to emphasize, are a different thing from questions. They congregate at the bottom of the chat, and you mostly talk amongst yourselves.

Example of a question: Why do you look so old and stupid, Gene?

Example of a comment: Gene looks old and stupid, amirite?

“Comments” are good. They are popular. I like them and read them and sometimes butt in. They make me love you and want to have your baby, if I weren’t so old and stupid. In the comments section you will often hear from her highness, the Empress Pat Myers — a special, intimate jolt from a talented, remarkable, if VERY demanding person whom I used to routinely call “Pat the Perfect” and who lets me get away with nothing.

But comments are not questions, which, again, you ask here. Or here:

Both of the question links go to the same place, okay? I am now going to stack the four separate orange buttons in sequence. “Subscribe now” is the only one that directly puts money in my pocket — I like that one a lot — but I love and respect the others, too, even though they are thick and obnoxiously orange, like Trump.