How many times must we go through this...?

We begin with a news story from a couple of days ago that is so bizarre I assumed it was parody. It wasn’t. All you need to know is the headline: Missouri Republicans block proposed ban on kids carrying guns in public. So, Missouri is no longer the Show-Me state. It is the Shoot Me state.

Anyway, good morning. We start, jauntily, with polls that quantify things. But first we tell you about Valentine’s day. It is insane. It involves a saint named Lupercalia. According to Wiki, Valentine’s Day traditions seems to be that the Roman festival involved two nearly naked young men slapping everyone around them with pieces of goat skin. According to the ancient writer Plutarch, some young married women believed that being hit with the skins promoted conception and easy childbirth.

Quantitative Polls:

We proceed with the second installment of JournoCop, in which I savage the media for lazy, stupid, silly stuff they do. In this episode, I interview a man I actually admire, Phil Corbett of The New York Times, who discusses the Times’s bizarre affection for the term “mister.” Here it comes. I admit I wrote this a few months ago, so the Times’s bizarrely inconsistent policies on this may have evolved. It is possible that they only call people “Mister” now if they are blond and nearsighted. There is no way of knowing for sure.

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First the good news: Contrary to almost universal lore, the New York Times never applied their quaint use of personal honorifics to the singer Meat Loaf, by calling him "Mr. Loaf." The bad news: They have called Snoop Dogg "Mr. Dogg."

"A certain amount of inconsistency is inevitable I will admit that," Philip Corbett told me a bit ruefully. Phil is the Standards Editor of the Times, an important job that, among other things, oversees the stubborn persistence of silly rules – inconsistencies and all.

As it happens, for example, he would be "Mr. Corbett" in a Times news story but not if he was quoted in a sports story. Sports stories do not have honorifics, as though athletes were worth less deference and respect than, say, certified public accountants -- or mass murderers. Yes, those guys remain Mr., usually even after their conviction and incarceration, but not after their execution. No dead people get Mr. or Ms.

So, dammit, it's "Lincoln," but "Mr. Trump."

Recently, the paper also eliminated the use of honorifics in pop culture stories. I am personally offended that it is Dylan now, but Mr. Giuliani and Ms. Palin. Before the mid-70s, The Times had a ban on honorifics for persons convicted of crimes. So let's say we were back in 1958, and The Times is writing about the

conviction of Richard Loving in Virginia for the crime of marrying a black woman. He'd be Misterless?

"Your example is a good one," Corbett said.

"Or how about Nelson Mandela after his conviction and life sentence in 1964 for basically being one of the greatest humans in the world? 

"We changed the policy because we don't want to seem to pass moral judgment."

This all leads to the question: Why retain this stodgy, mannered convention that seems to reek of the era of powdered wigs and snuff and pantaloons?

"We want a tone that is serious, thoughtful, and reflect some civility and restraint."

Even at the risk of sounding a bit silly?

"We are open to discussion."

Now the brief boring stuff: We have a new, streamlined system here! The entirety of The Gene Pool is on this one Web page. The page will be long. But you will not have to leap to another page anymore, and all the questions and answers will accumulate here. After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers  --  and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes.  To see those later Q&As,  just refresh your screen  every once in a while. 

As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though I will stop in from time to time.

SPECIAL ADDITIONAL TIP: If you're reading this on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline, (In this case, “How Many Times…” for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers, and be able to refresh and see new questions and answers appear as I regularly update the post.

Okay, good, then. We now proceed with your questions and my answers. In response to the complaints of a particular reader, whose comment is first, I promise not to use the f-word unless I absolutely have to.

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Q: I hesitate to ask/comment on this since I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but reading your intro today about your conversation with Pat (which I didn't really find especially witty or funny), and based on your repeated comments about how there are no Invitational limits anymore, etc., does that mean that you anticipate a lot more of the body-part/smutty/sexual pun sort of jokes than there have been in the past? I confess that those have always been my least favorite of the inks. Call it whatever you want, but those just aren't my cup of tea, and IMO they just are very rarely as witty or funny as other sorts of jokes; it's as if the junior high shock value takes the place of humor. (Actually, don't call it whatever you want, since I've always found it unpleasantly derogatory when you mock "prudery" as if that would be the only reason that some might not love that type of humor, or mock "appropriateness" as …

A: I cut your comment off midway, because it was roughly 600 words longer, but I shall try not to discommode you in the future, though I have to point out that “commode” is a modern toilet, and “discommode” might be third-world hole in the ground beside which is a corn cob.

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Q: if all these balloon UFOs are aliens, with completely different body chemistries, how will you impose you idiosyncratic taste judgments (cilantro, Old Bay, dark chocolate) on the aliens?

A: I don’t think they are aliens. I think they are all Israeli spies. So they already agree with me.

Q: I just bought a new car. (And, while it's not relevant to why I'm writing, it's a not-Tesla EV and I'm loving it.) One of the things I've noticed in my first week of driving it is that if I open the rear passenger doors for any reason before getting into the driver's seat and driving away, the car will remind me to check the rear seat for forgotten passengers when I get where I'm going and put the car in park. The really brilliant part, IMO, is that the car ONLY asks me this if I opened the rear doors before driving away. It doesn't ask most of the time, so that dashboard info doesn't become boilerplate that my brain will stop noticing. My last car was 18 years old so I don't know how recently that technology was introduced, but I remember the woman profiled in your story who was campaigning for it and I just wanted to offer my thanks to her, and to you for that story which I will never forget as long as I live. If I ever have a child in the back seat of this car, it will be a grandchild I don't usually schlep around and I will be very grateful to have that backstop.

OK, on to something funny. This car also has lane sensors that alert you if you are drifting out of your lane. This is not a problem I have in normal driving. But it happens that the first long drive I took in this car involved an inital 30 miles on a twisty, hilly road with hairpin turns. About 20 minutes in, the car flashed a huge icon of a coffee cup on the dashboard with the comment "Consider taking a break!"

A: Thank you. That was very well constructed. You know, one of the greatest regrets of my life was that after I wrote this story, nothing changed. For years and years. The deaths kept mounting, almost seemingly exponentially. And now it has. I can’t take credit but I do feel good about it. I still remember people who argued with me that it is horrifying to increase the price of a car by $50 to put in something no responsible decent human parent would need.

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Q: Just got a note from my editor that my latest piece may not be allowed because of copyright issues. Could i just slightly later the copyrighted names and thereby get away with it? Say, Swinegarten, instead of Weingarten? is that allowable?

A: I have to say that I have no idea what this means, but the fact that you are a writer and that spellcheck has apparently altered “alter” into “later” is very funny. I do believe that spellcheck is a professional writer’s Satanic enemy and needs to be eliminated with prejudice. I half expected it to alter “enemy” into “enema.”

Q: Many years ago, maybe 15-18, I went back to my hometown for a class reunion. After an event I was walking from town to my sister's house. The same route my sister and I used to walk when we were as young as 8-10 by ourselves. The entire area has depreciated over the years and I passed a house in bad repair with a dog chained outside. I seriously thought about going down to try to free that dog. It was not a small dog and I am a small woman so I thought about all the things that could go wrong if I tried to unchain it. So after a minute or so I continued on my way. I still think about that poor dog. Can you explain why people get pets just to chain them outside in all kinds of weather ignoring them? I just can't wrap my head around it. I wish I would have tried to save that dog.–– RLP

A: You made the right initial decision — many of these dogs have been led into hostile, even murderous insanity by their mistreatment — but you probably should have called PETA or the humane society afterwards.

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Q: How many entries, usually, average, whatever, does the new Invitational receive?

A: Roughly sixty million. Pat or I winnow it down to 33 or so. This week, it’s my job. I hate you all.

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Q: Silver Spring - Gene, where do you stand on Val Day? I think you are not in favor of this Hallmark holiday but that could be my bias talking.

A: Neither Rachel nor I has ever given each other a Valentine’s Day present, because we are appalled at the commercial, manipulative nature of it. So far as I am aware, we still love each other. I did once get her a fabulous present, at a pet store. It is a necklace in the shape of a bone, and it has her first name on it, and her phone number in case she gets lost. BUT I DID NOT GET IT ON VALENTINE’S DAY.

Q: Should NORAD have shot down Dorothy , Toto and The Wizard when they flew back to Kansas?

A: You are an ignoramus. Dorothy and Toto did not fly back to Kansas. They were transported via Nazi-like heel clicks. The Wizard did attempt to fly back but (this is not generally known or acknowledged) but died when his balloon collided with the Hindenburg.

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Q: I used to delude myself by thinking I got more SI Ink from you in the Czar days than I ever got from the Empress, because our senses of humor were more alike. But then I allowed reality to set in -- that was in the mid-late 90's when there weren't thousands of exceptionally clever entries coming in weekly. Still, I bet that your sense of humor is quite different. from her sense of humor, am I right?

A: Our senses of humor are quite similar, but where we differ is helpful to the Invitational. It’s about a ten-percent difference. Pat is somewhat more appreciative of “clever,” and I am somewhat more appreciative of “dumb-ass.” I like entries that call up funny visual images. Pat is more likely to love a bit of complex wordplay and I am more likely to love a thing that makes you conjure up an image of, like, a big butt. It’s not a problem, because we push each other in good directions. We are equal partners in this weird venture.

Q: So, I have it on good authority that you might not be one Gene Weingarten, after all, but, in fact, an under cover operative whose given name is Oswald P. Dickface. Your response, please. Submitted by Curious in Pennsylvania

A: I just want to point out for the record that on the Yankees’ 25-man roster, they have one player name “Oswald” and another name “Oswaldo.” In the 1960s they had two players named Horace, Horace Clark and Horace “Dooley” Womack. I have a friend and business partner named Horace. I am your best source for this sort of fascinating information.

Q: This is Gene. Just for the record, and just so you all know, I sneeze at least seven times in succession and exceed 16 poops a week. You are envious, I know.

Q: Gene: I ... exceed 16 poops a week. Me: You have diarrhea. Or, as I once saw it spelled in a Brit Medical Journal, Diarrhaoeia.

A: I do not. I have an extremely active alimentary canal.

Alert: The right button for questions to this chat is, officially

Q: Do you also experience urgency when you have to poop? I poop 2-3 times a day, and at least 10% of them are emergency-level. My wife used to think I was lying about how badly I had to go until I crapped my pants while walking the dog.

A: See, this is an entry Pat NEVER would have published. It is an essential difference between us. And the answer to your question is no.

Q: No pillows. zero.

A: Are you an effing caveman or cave woman? You sleep on rocks?

Q: So for people who think these flying objects are aliens: They've got the technology to travel multiple light years to get here (just a reminder that the farthest man-made object from Earth, Voyager 2, is currently only 1/500 of a light year away, and it took 45 years to get there) yet they don't have the intelligence to keep out of sight?

A: Exactly my point. Wherever they are from, they are Jews. Very smart.

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Q: Gene, again. We’re down. Thank you again for excellent questions. Thursday I’ll be in NYC but still active here when we do the Invitational and I will write you, personally, a sonnet. One for each of you.