Even Greater Than Lincoln?

Okay, now he’s just fucking with us.

In the past few days, the new quasi-president has been attempting to arrogate vast powers he doesn’t have, including turning over control of the U.S. Treasury to a Nazi. So it’s been bad.

Overnight, though, he informed us we’d be phasing out the penny.

Now, as a devout believer in the religion of hating the enormous sphincter currently occupying The White House, I am required by my Holy Bible to disapprove of everything he does, but this one is hard to do. I’m trying, and will continue trying for you, my loyal paid subscribers and even some of the unpaid.

I hereby declare that getting rid of the penny is an outrageous assault on the youth of America, particularly MY youth which occurred in 1959. That was when I learned to whizz a penny. I lived in the Bronx. We kids did this because, properly executed, it could take out an eye.

Here is what you did. You placed a penny in between your thumb and middle finger, horizontally at a slightly oblique angle, and positioned your hand behind your ear. and then snapped your fingers, hard. The penny would whizz the hell out of your hand. It would actually make a whizzing sound — created, I led myself to believe, by breaking the sound barrier. Then it would slam into whatever you were whanging it at. (“Whang” is not a recognized verb, but it should be.)

Later, when I and my friends got more mature, we learned to do this with a Coke bottle cap - the kind with the serrated edges, and if you did it just right, it would saw itself right into the canvas screen of a movie theater, and stay there.

That’s pretty much my message today. Donald Trump has ruined my childhood, and yours, too, if you are as ancient as I am. I am going to leave you with this video, taken this morning. The videographer is Ms. Rachel Manteuffel. It is of an amazing athletic feat.

Here’s another one, because they are so important:

And here is a phenomenal Director’s Cut ruined Outtake:

So, that’s it. Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

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