Donald Trump and the Vampire Woman
Welcome to the Weekend Gene Pool, which has just surpassed “Gunsmoke” as the longest-running prime-time scripted TV Show in American history. Today we focus our attention on Donald Trump, who was just ordered to pay $6,000 billion dollars to E. Jean Carroll for being the physically largest suppurating sleazeball in human history. As always , The Weekend Gene Pool seeks your input. In this case, we ask for your nomination for the next worst monster from history.
We personally nominate Erzsébet Bathory, pictured above, a sixteenth century Hungarian noblewoman said to have been a vampire who bathed in the blood of her nubile virgin servant girls, whom she murdered in order to attain eternally youthful skin. The Weekend Gene Pool does not endorse this practice — in fact, we officially condemn it for legal reasons — but just look at that painting, above. The woman was roughly forty years old at the time, and she looks great, considering that back then people usually lost all their teeth at 30, and their mouths caved in like rotted jack o’lanterns. Just saying.
Also, given her reputed bathtub activities, Ms. Bathory is one of the greatest aptonyms in all of history. Also, her purported crimes might well be exaggerated, but, this being the Weekend Gene Pool, we are not overly concerned with accuracy. For example, “Gunsmoke” is not the longest-lived prime-time scripted TV show in history. “The Simpsons” is, but we preferred citing “Gunsmoke” because it is a funnier word.
Okay, so here is the challenge: Who, historically, is worse than Trump?
Please send your nominations, with explanations — the funnier the better — to this particular orange button:
Good then. And lastly, a Gene Pool Gene Poll.
One other thing you might want to do is become a paid subscriber to The Gene Pool, if you are not already one, though the process is arduous and mentally taxing, if oddly sensually arousing. It involves clicking here:
Yes, there are women more physically attractive than my wife. But as I've told her on many occasions, she's the only one who makes my heart thrill. (We've been married 56 years).
Which reminds me of a travel tip for vampire country. If carrying a cross, heated iron rod, garlic and a large mirror as defensive weapons is impractical when likely to encounter a vampire, it is suggested instead to secrete poppy seeds or rice about your person. A little known but useful historical supposition is that vampires suffer from arithmomania, the obsessive need to count things. So, immediately on becoming aware of being pursued by a vampire, it is recommended you throw a handful of rice or seeds behind you. This will usually cause your pursuer to stop and not attempt to resume the chase until every grain is counted --- by which time you should be well away.