Once I’m no longer using my mortal coil, people can do what they want with it. Parcel out whatever parts aren’t so decrepit they can do somebody else some good. Melt the implant(s) down for scrap. Tan my hide and fashion a giant sombrero. If there’s a way to squeeze out a bit of cash for my survivors, so much the better. Just make absolutely sure I’m done with it first.
Remember that in death, the bones that fused together to make your skull can come loose again so remind them to apply some sort of sealant while it’s still fresh.
I hesitate to admit I am reminded of two old jokes.
The first from a 1970s Playboy magazine which defined necrophilia as "stopping of for a cold one".
The second, an unwashed homeless man convinced a young woman not to commit suicide when he saw her preparing to jump off of a bridge. He approached her and asked if she would like to have sex one last time before she jumped. She declined, repulsed by the thought of coupling with this filthy old man. He said "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom." She got down from the railing and went home to deal with her problems.
I think your second joke is great, but it does hint at the reason I think laws criminalizing necrophilia should exist. For the purpose of a rape and murder trial, the criminal penalty shouldn't hinge on which order the crimes occured.
Similarly, I can readily think of one case, (meaning there are probably many more I never heard of) where a man was "at least" convicted of abusing a corpse because although he clearly raped and killed a woman, he claimed to have found her dead and f'd her corpse. They could only prove that his seman was in the corpse. If there was no law prohibiting necrophillia, he could not have been charged with anything.
Rape is not about the victim, no matter how hard the defense attorneys try to make it so. A person's body after death (or after drinking seven mai-tais and passing out) is just as deserving of respect as it was when the person was breathing.
Fact is, abuse of a corpse can be charged as a felony in NY and regularly happens with morticians or funeral homes. Necrophilia, on the other hand, is a Class A misdemeanor with up to 364 days in the slammer and/or a $1,000 fine. But, graciously enough, if you've never previously indulged (or committed other crimes) you're likely to get six years probation. For those interested in further enlightenment I direct your attention to NY Penal Law § 130.20: Sexual Misconduct.
That's part of your charm. A very small part. Fortunately you draw real swell. But a good one nonetheless, although Gene is probably pissed you beat him to the punch.
In our laws and perhaps in our morals, our right to dignity does not die with us. If you are clear, like Mr. Mertens, that you have no issues, well great. But most people and their loved ones are still attached to the idea that the corpse is still you-connected. No access, even on the weird-ass world that is the subway. Pun intended.
Technically in most places it is not “rape” of a corpse but “abuse” or even “desecration” of a corpse. That might explain why you included “yes but I don’t know why” as an answer. It’s part of the classic problem of defining crime: Is it harm to a victim needed to make a crime? Or is a “ moral ick” enough? Or is the likelihood that any corpse has friends or family who will suffer from the desecration enough to criminalize it?
Perhaps most importantly: should a trained humor writer include the great moral questions of the ages in their blog?
And I suppose most of you in a final shudder think a corpse being robbed and sexually abused was the worse possible thing that could happen in the NYC subway system? Or certainly well up in the ranking eh? Think again. At some point, after the shock of this Pool has worn off, I'll pass along some firsthand experiences/observations. But be forewarned, comparatively speaking, "roo-roo" is a walk in the park. Speaking of which, there are also the goings-on in Central Park. But that's a story for another day.
I'm failing to recall the name of a stand up coming (late 80s, early 90s?) who had a great joke on this subject. A man was evidently brought to court, charged with animal necrophilia. The comedian: "What's your defense in this case? 'I'm sorry, Your Honor, I thought that the cat was still alive when I was ----- it?' "
Once I’m no longer using my mortal coil, people can do what they want with it. Parcel out whatever parts aren’t so decrepit they can do somebody else some good. Melt the implant(s) down for scrap. Tan my hide and fashion a giant sombrero. If there’s a way to squeeze out a bit of cash for my survivors, so much the better. Just make absolutely sure I’m done with it first.
While it is up to them, I've given tacit custody of my skull to my youngest offspring. They'll have to sort out the legalities.
Remember that in death, the bones that fused together to make your skull can come loose again so remind them to apply some sort of sealant while it’s still fresh.
Another use for J-B Weld -- Just Bones!
Ha ha. Ew!
"Alas, poor Yorick. I knew you well..."
This was your afternoon Shakespeare lesson. You're welcome. 🤭
Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. - for the sticklers
Bad Bender -- no beer!
At least I still have my cigar...
...and the hookers.
In many states, the law prohibits "abuse" of a corpse which this event might arguably fall under.
I hesitate to admit I am reminded of two old jokes.
The first from a 1970s Playboy magazine which defined necrophilia as "stopping of for a cold one".
The second, an unwashed homeless man convinced a young woman not to commit suicide when he saw her preparing to jump off of a bridge. He approached her and asked if she would like to have sex one last time before she jumped. She declined, repulsed by the thought of coupling with this filthy old man. He said "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom." She got down from the railing and went home to deal with her problems.
I think your second joke is great, but it does hint at the reason I think laws criminalizing necrophilia should exist. For the purpose of a rape and murder trial, the criminal penalty shouldn't hinge on which order the crimes occured.
Similarly, I can readily think of one case, (meaning there are probably many more I never heard of) where a man was "at least" convicted of abusing a corpse because although he clearly raped and killed a woman, he claimed to have found her dead and f'd her corpse. They could only prove that his seman was in the corpse. If there was no law prohibiting necrophillia, he could not have been charged with anything.
Rape is not about the victim, no matter how hard the defense attorneys try to make it so. A person's body after death (or after drinking seven mai-tais and passing out) is just as deserving of respect as it was when the person was breathing.
Imagine that the corpse isn’t your own but that of someone you love.
Then I think it becomes clear.
Not to me! A corpse is no longer that person. But I hear ya.
Really? Someone does that to your dead mother on a train, and it doesn't become clear to you?
Fact is, abuse of a corpse can be charged as a felony in NY and regularly happens with morticians or funeral homes. Necrophilia, on the other hand, is a Class A misdemeanor with up to 364 days in the slammer and/or a $1,000 fine. But, graciously enough, if you've never previously indulged (or committed other crimes) you're likely to get six years probation. For those interested in further enlightenment I direct your attention to NY Penal Law § 130.20: Sexual Misconduct.
You said penal!!! HhahahhhahhHahhhhaaa.
Yes, I old but still juvenile.
That's part of your charm. A very small part. Fortunately you draw real swell. But a good one nonetheless, although Gene is probably pissed you beat him to the punch.
As my mom once said, "Trevor is an acquired taste."
Sort of like Pete Hegseth's mother's comment about him, but better.
The undertakers sketch from Monty Python, as it seems appropriate.
https://youtu.be/EF6IShnqPY0?si=5XjuROz5TfaA7Mw-
In our laws and perhaps in our morals, our right to dignity does not die with us. If you are clear, like Mr. Mertens, that you have no issues, well great. But most people and their loved ones are still attached to the idea that the corpse is still you-connected. No access, even on the weird-ass world that is the subway. Pun intended.
I do acknowledge that my views on this are not shared by everybody, nor will I argue that they should be.
Has anyone ever seen a hearse wearing a bumper sticker reading, "Dead people need love too. "?
In mortuary circles, I believe it's "All You Need is Glove." Similar to that among urologists.
LAW PROFESSOR IDIOCY ALERT!
Technically in most places it is not “rape” of a corpse but “abuse” or even “desecration” of a corpse. That might explain why you included “yes but I don’t know why” as an answer. It’s part of the classic problem of defining crime: Is it harm to a victim needed to make a crime? Or is a “ moral ick” enough? Or is the likelihood that any corpse has friends or family who will suffer from the desecration enough to criminalize it?
Perhaps most importantly: should a trained humor writer include the great moral questions of the ages in their blog?
Ken
A college classmate would often sing "Necro ... necrophilia. Gee, honey, I'm so glad they didn't seal ya."
And I suppose most of you in a final shudder think a corpse being robbed and sexually abused was the worse possible thing that could happen in the NYC subway system? Or certainly well up in the ranking eh? Think again. At some point, after the shock of this Pool has worn off, I'll pass along some firsthand experiences/observations. But be forewarned, comparatively speaking, "roo-roo" is a walk in the park. Speaking of which, there are also the goings-on in Central Park. But that's a story for another day.
Dave Barry was recently in New York trying to buy locked up ice cream. Hope he wasn’t near the subway!!
I'm failing to recall the name of a stand up coming (late 80s, early 90s?) who had a great joke on this subject. A man was evidently brought to court, charged with animal necrophilia. The comedian: "What's your defense in this case? 'I'm sorry, Your Honor, I thought that the cat was still alive when I was ----- it?' "
Believe it was the late stand-up comedian Robert Schimmel, who often used to open a set with the joke.
There was a dead hooker named Celia...
What does it say about me that I was laughing hysterically at this? (I come from New York back in the dark ages and couldn’t wait to leave…)