Breaking Into the Mint

The following conversation occurred yesterday with Heather, a customer service rep for Sanofi Products, which makes ACT restoring fluoride mouthwash, the number-one dentist-recommended product of its type.

Unlike some of my gonzo calls to customer service reps, the experience I am reporting is completely true.

Me: I bought three bottles of this product because my dentist recommended it. As you know it is the number-one dentist-recommended mouthwash.

Heather: Yes!

Me: The problem is, I could not open any of these bottles with my bare hands.

Heather: Oh.

Me: You’ll know immediately I am telling the truth because I am also admitting to you the humiliating fact that my girlfriend has a stronger grip than I do, and she could not open them either .

I then tried running the plastic top under hot water, to expand the plastic. That sometimes works with hard-to-open bottles. It didn’t.

I tried rapping the plastic top against a cabinet, to loosen it. That didn’t work either.

I tried gnawing it with my molars. I looked like a grunting Groucho, with a really fat cigar. It didn’t work.

Eventually — this is literally true — I got one of them open by putting the bottle in a bench vise and twisting the cap with a monkey wrench. I had to use the same technique for the other two..

Next, because I believe in due diligence, I went to AI and explained what was happening and asked if this was a common problem with this product.

From their response:

“Your experience is not unique. There’s credible evidence that some bottles of ACT mouthwash can be absurdly difficult to open, likely due to cap design + occasional manufacturing variability. The child-resistant caps can prove problematical. People occasionally report exactly your experience. There are extreme examples. One reviewer wrote: “I cannot even get it open… not even my powerlifting fiancé can get it open…We have been trying for three weeks now. The cap is almost sealed to the bottle.”

In the end, AI suggested that I might use a serrated steak knife to sever through the tamper ring on the cap, but it urged me to “be careful” inasmuch as this process, if it goes haywire, can wind up slicing a finger or severing a tendon or ligament.

So my question to you is: Don’t you think you should be giving free monkey wrenches out to your customers?

Heather: Oh. Please give me lot numbers of all of your bottles.

Me: Okay. (I fetched them. She waited patiently.)

Heather: Thank you. I will reporting this to the quality control department.

Me: Wait. That’s it? You have no response to this, as a customer service representative? Should people have to use a monkey wrench to open this product?

Heather: No. I will refer this to the quality control department.

I gave her my number, asked for a callback or email.

Gene Pool Gene Poll:

(answer below)

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Okay. So. I want to briefly revisit yesterday’s topic, the treacly, insipid, militaristic, pharisaical illustration Donald Trump posted of himself as Jesus, healing the sick. You know, this one:

Well, Trump finally explained why he had posted this: He said he didn’t think he was depicted as Jesus.

“It’s supposed to be me as a doctor, making people better, and I do make people better. And it had to do with Red Cross,” he told reporters. “There’s a Red Cross worker there, which we support. And only the fake news could come up with that one.”

Then he added that he thought the picture was the work of “a very beautiful, talented artist.”

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Just to state the obvious, and just for the record: Doctors do not usually have lightning bolts emanating from their palms, like electric stigmata, nor do their patients’ heads glow when being ministered to.

Doctors do not typically dress like Trump is dressed. Doctors typically dress like this.

Whereas apostles dress like this:

“The Apostle” vestment

Next, the picture has no suggestion of the presence of The Red Cross.

And finally, this was not the work of “a very beautiful artist.” It was the work of AI. The AI artist looks like this:

One clue that it is AI is that the American flag seems to have 23 stars. Another is that the guy’s baseball cap has gibberish lettering. A third is that the Statue of Liberty appears to be sniffing her armpit..

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Also, no, I did not get a callback.

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Second Gene Pool Gene Poll:

And very finally, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. Why? Because I am a doctor. Doctors’ jobs are hard. They deserve to be paid.