Bezos Christ, Jeff

Hello.

Today you will be getting yet another communique from …

… which has become the primary news source for people who are pissed off at the newspaper’s billionaire owner, Jeff Bezos, and his spineless soul-sale to Donald Trump.

Today, we present you with another open letter to Mr. Bezos.

Dear Jeff:

When you arrived on the scene a decade ago, I and other Post employees had great expectations. We believed you would financially save our beloved institution, which you have done, so far! Kudos to you, big fella. We were blown away by your dynamism and even hoped you would teach us a lesson or three about our craft.

And now you have! We are word people, story people, and on Wednesday you taught us to reach for MANY new and colorful synonyms for '‘ass-kissing.” We cannot rely on the existing ones, because they are getting trite: “Lickspittlery,” “boot-licking,” etc., can only take us so far. The public detects and detests cliches.

You accomplished this feat on Wednesday when you tweeted the following:

Big congratulations to our 45th and now 47th President on an extraordinary political comeback and decisive victory. No nation has bigger opportunities. Wishing @realDonaldTrump all success in leading and uniting the America we all love."

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This statement arrived into the world just hours after most of us decent-thinking Americans were gobsmacked into stupefaction over the disaster of Tuesday evening, and its implications for the country we all love. It also arrived mere days after your decision to order your newspaper not to endorse Kamala Harris, a candidate favored by (a guess, I admit) every single human being in your employ at The Post, including the good folks who clean the floors at night.

Hey, patriotism is one thing, but business is business.

Anyway, bravo. You have not only taught us that a person cannot ever be too rich to snivel, but you have goosed our creativity on the synonym front. Without further ado, I present the new, improved Donald Trump ass-kissing glossary below. (Annotated when necessary.)

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Monsterbating

Upsucking — (This would present a challenge to the illustrators of the new Kama Sutra because bodies don’t naturally lend themselves to that position.)

Upfisting — (Ditto, for the Kama Sutra.)

Trumpsculation — (A classy one, combining Trump and osculation, the medical term for kissing.)

Felonatio

Con-ilingus

Mushroom-Fondling

Orange-Nosing

Bezos me Mucho

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Now for today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

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And finally, if you wish to upgrade your subscription, I would be not bitter:

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