An Immodest Proposal

Let's give Trump's coin some new ... currency.

AI

There’s a big problem facing American cities. Not enough public bathrooms.

There’s another big problem facing America itself: A self-absorbed, thin-skinned egomaniac in The White House.

We can solve these problems together! I have a plan.

Follow me here: What is Trump’s latest act of preposterous vainglory — after his efforts to name the Kennedy Center after himself, and erect a vulgar, grotesquely large arch in his honor, and after tarting up The White House with chintzy lame lamé and cheaply gilded bric-a-brac? It’s this: Last week, he ordered the Treasury Department to mint a $1 commemorative “gold” coin bearing his aggrieved, squinty, scowly likeness.

This is an outrage, but also an opportunity. Is the man even capable of being mortified? We can find out!

Consider the coin. It is much like the man himself: A lie within a lie. It is billed as a gold coin, but it is just common, crude metal — Trump’s “base,” if you will. Also, it purports to have an intrinsic value, but has none. It is issued as currency, but is useless as such, except insofar as any commodity can be bartered: a used car, a live chicken, etc. The coin is also, apparently, against the law, like Trump himself.

But it is a coin.

Public toilets require coins.

I have done a little research on this: Vending machine companies can make, to order, locks that operate through the use of a specific coin only, and they can custom-build it to any coin. What if some enterprising millionaire ordered thousands of these toilets, banks of which would be distributed in urban downtowns across the United States? The toilet would look like this.

There would be a vending machine to dispense the Trump coins. They would cost $2 per coin, or more, depending on what traffic will bear.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL.

The toilet banks will also have several machines made to order by the same company that makes penny-flattening kiosks at airports and highway rest stops. These machines would also operate only on Trump coins. This is what they would look like:

AI

In America’s big cities, I predict, these facilities will have long lines of people. And unlike most lines of people waiting to go, these lines will be joyful.

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Today’s mercifully extraneous Gene Pool Gene Poll:

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Okay. That was my second column in a row about pooping. I promise I’ll stop now. … The overall idea for this column came from two readers, Nancy Meyer and Ray Roske.

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Might you consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool? I’d be grateful. It only costs 50 Trumps a year.

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