A Trump in the Road

I think it is finally time to ask the question: How much blatant assholery would Donald Trump have to commit in order to actually be publicly criticized by spineless Republicans terrified of losing their aptly named “base”? What sort of stuff would have to come out? I think it’s a good question that we will address shortly below, but first, a very important Gene Pool Gene Poll.

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We have already learned many very disturbing things about the alleged Box Hoax! Trump stored nuclear secret basically in a toilet, beneath, for some reason, an enormous chandelier. He also incited armed imbeciles to riot against the government, but that’s an entirely different thing. He misled his own lawyers in order to be able to brag to idiot friends about all the secret stuff he knew. He is fat and flabby, and by his own devices, is the color of a cantaloupe. He smells like an overripe rutabaga in a garbage pail in the hot sun (I am presuming this.)

Anyway, not long after the 2016 election, someone wrote a piece somewhere suggesting that Republicans should write a list of things that that Trump might do that would “cross a line” for them. I don’t think those lists have been revisited, but I’d love to see them now. Because I suspect the goalposts have shifted somewhat. We’ve already seen that he paid off a pornster so she wouldn’t talk about the dimensions of his dick, that he orders expensive steak charred to unrecognizable protein-shaped turds and smothered in ketchup, that he consulted Kid Rock on military secrets, kissed Kim Jong Un on the lips, etc. His defense on charges of raping a woman was that she was “not my type” when she was clearly a dead ringer for both of his previous wives on whom he had cheated, he habitually sniffed panties from women’s shelter clothes hampers (I am presuming here again.)

So he’s apparently still trying to find a lawyer in Miami who will represent him, which (I am an expert on Florida) is like trying to find a fly who will be willing to alight on a ripe pile of dog doo in the hot sun … so what out he have to do to erode his “base”? Call some prominent Republican the n-word? Suggest the Holocaust was a “Jewish conspiracy?’ Defecate directly on the Queen of England? Advocate repeal of the second amendment? Start talking about how hot his 11-year old granddaughter is? Get kicked off Truth Social for being too much of an anus?

By the way, can we go back to your answers on the underpants question? Are you embarrassed by your answers? Should you be? You should be, is my point. My current undies are definitely black. Or gray, or something. Its waistband is 15 years old and has all the tensile strength of recently chewed bubble gum.

Yesterday I tested this question out by asking Rachel what color her undies were, and she thought a bit and said “grayish green,” and then dropped trou, and I said “those are blue,” and she said, dismissively and with disarming authority, “they are grayish green,” which was presumably right, so like many men I am not flawless in this enterprise. There did seem to be tensile strength in her waistband. (By the way, regarding Trump’s difficulties in finding a lawyer to represent him, Rachel just said to me that she hopes, when he finally finds a guy, “it’s someone who has billboards.’)

Okay, so. Here is another Gene Pool Gene Poll, and then we will go to some questions and answers.

I am going to take only a few questions today, and then resume the usual question and answer routine on Thursday, with the Invitational Gene Pool. There is a reason for this, but it is hidden in the toilet room at Mar A Lago, and I cannot and dare not reveal it. It does involve a cyst.

Q: What color underpants am I wearing, and what is their topology?

A: It depends. Are you a lady? If so, they are kind of frilly and cute, with nubby, lacy little bits and the garment is of recent vintage. They are pink or mauve, whatever that color is, of which I am not sure. You wear them well and do them justice and I congratulate you. If you are male, they are revolting, with holes, and kind of stink even if they are freshly laundered.

Q: Do you think Trump will look good in an orange jumpsuit?

A: It would be like outfitting an ostrich or giraffe or orangutan or orange-poison dart frog or Bengal tiger in orange. Overkill. He would disappear into the background and be able to easily escape.

Q: Do you have a favorite smell?

A: Bellybuttons loaded with strawberries and creme fraiche and just a faint hint of cinnamon.

Q: Do you have an appointment for a medical procedure today?

A: I do. But it is so disgusting I cannot reveal its nature beyond what I have already said.

Q: Do you have a favorite historian?

A: Today, it is Kevin Kruse, who writes on Twitter, re Trump, “Jim Jordan, once again showing he’ll ignore any crime that takes place with a shower nearby.”

Q: Have you ever been incarcerated?

A: Only in a prison of my own making, and only when justified by my own transgressions. I have been released only through the munificent mercy of loved ones whom I do not deserve.

Q: Does the Gene Pool make you a lot of money?

A: It depends on what you define as a lot of money. I assume it would impress you, down there as an assistant deputy fry chef at Chick-Fil-A.

Q: You have written many times about your adventurous dining. Is there anything you would not eat?

A: My children or grandchildren.

I’m going to end today with a quote from Tom Lehrer, the greatest doggerelist in human history, It involves the procedure I shall have today. In it, Tom is writing in the style of Gilbert and Sullivan, re-channeling “Clementine,” and here it is: Start at 3:30.