A Real Tofurkey of a Gene Pool

Yum!

Hello. Welcome to the Gene Pool in its inaugural attempt at filling Thanksgiving week, an enterprise that will be a bit abbreviated on account of nobody gives a crap about this sort of thing on Thanksgiving week, when we are all overeating and over-excreting.

Sorry. Some of us in the Gene Pool are kind of cynical. But the fact is, no one is reading this. I could link to some disgusting and idiotic and hilariously academic Wikipedia entry on “truck nuts,” and there won’t be a single complaint.

Anyway. As many of you know, I am the world’s greatest (and only) purveyor of “pokes,” which are crappy old jokes recycled as crappy doggerel poems, written by me. Last week I wrote a few new ones for a poetry-reading event sponsored by Light, an online magazine featuring Light Verse, which is a fancy word for doggerel. Light is a great publication, which I link to here, and to which you should subscribe but only if you have a cranium, a wit and a soul. It is edited by Invitational star Melissa Balmain.

At this event, I read some of my old pokes, but created a few more for that occasion, based on the shittiest book of humor ever written. It was titled, and this is not a joke: “The Most Funniest Joke Book Ever ” Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t. It contained, for example, the single worst attempt at humor I have ever heard, and I have lived a long time. Here it is:

“Knock knock. / Who’s there? / “May.” / May who? / “May I come in?”

I decided to give myself one of the biggest challenges of my life — to try to mine the five best jokes from this 200-page book but convert them into pokes.

Poke One:

My English teacher's really old.
She told us!  (Didn't force her.)
She didn't say it quite outright
But admitted she’d taught Chaucer! 

Poke Two:

I went into my car this morn 
Good God. No steering wheel! No horn!
No pedals and no radio!  I was aghast. 
I called the cops; they came real fast.  

They checked it out.  Took stock of stuff. 
"Drunk last night?" (They gave me guff.)
They'd solved the case, all quick and neat — 
”Sir,” they said, "you're in the back seat”.

Poke Three:

The Pilgrim's pants kept falling down 
How can you account for that?
It's 'cause they wore the buckle of their belt
On the top of their hat.

 Poke Four:

My musician friend wrote a lullaby.
"It took six years," he said, with a cough. 
That's a mighty long time, I said ... why?
Because, he said, "I kept dozing off."   

Poke Five:

The famous  belle of the ball inquired one day,
How can three elephants stay dry under a small umbrella?
I answered that there was only one way: 
"When it's not raining, Cinderella."

—

Yes, that last one in particular was truly terrible with an indefensible forced rhyme. The exercise was like trying to make a silk purse ouf of a rubber truck-nuts scrotum.

Leave questions and observations here:

Okay, check out the work of this cartoonist, whom Pat and I were alerted to by reader Albert Lubran. This artist is really weird and droll and good.

Now here comes the coveted real-time Q and A and O section. If you read it in real time, please remember to keep refreshing your screen. Many of the questions today are responses to my Weekend call for jokes almost no one has heard. I am using none that I can recall ever hearing. And I thought I had heard them all. Also, people give their thoughts on the Wapo’s (mostly) photo feature on the carnage wrought by AR-15s.

Q: You wanted a joke. Here's my favorite guy's joke. Warning, it is tasteless.

A : Good. We are so warned. And you are correct, it is tasteless. It is saved by how preposterous and absurd it is.

Q: Good. So this ugly guy walks into his neighborhood bar, all smiles.

“I had a great night,” says the guy. “You know that I live by the railroad tracks. Well, last night I was walking home and I see this girl tied to the tracks, just like in the movies, you know? Well, I did what anyone would do and untied her. Then I took her home with me and really scored! We had sex everywhere—in the living room, in the bedroom, on the stairs. It was the best night I’ve ever had!”

“You lucky dog,” grins the bartender. “Was she pretty?”

“I don’t know. I never found the head.”

A: Wow. Fortunately no one is reading this, inasmuch as it is Thanksgiving week.

Okay, I’m glad to have gotten that one out of the way. Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now, on an email:   Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “ Tofurkey… ” for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to roughly 1 p.m. ET today.

Also, as we are approaching the one-year anniversary of The Gene Pool (December 16), I will be ramping up my already persistent and unseemly begging for cash. Specifically, $4.15 a month. This is just the beginning of a concerted and indefensible campaign to annoy you, guilt-trip you, whatever it takes.

Q:  A joke you maybe haven't heard?

Ray and Jack went out for coffee one morning, about 10 months after Jack retired, and about 3 months before Ray was scheduled to. Ray asks, "So what's it been like?" Jack pauses, shakes his head, and says, "I dunno, I kinda miss weekends." 

A: Good. 

Q:   A man goes on a two-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return, he calls his brother.”So how is my cat doing?”

“He’s dead,” said his brother.

“He’s dead!? What do you mean he’s dead? I loved that cat. Couldn’t you think of a nicer way to tell me?”

“How did you want me to tell you?” 

“You could have broken the news to me easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then, when I called before I left, you could have told me, Well, we found her, but she is up on the roof, and we’re having trouble getting her down. Then, when I called you from the airport, you could have told me that the fire department was there and scared her off the roof, and the cat died when she hit the ground.

“I’m sorry, you’re right, that was insensitive,” replied his brother.

“All right, all right, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?”

“She’s up on the roof, and we’re having trouble getting her down.”

A: Splendid.

Q:  Gene, it's Mike from Detroit (actually Allen Park, in the shadow of the Big Tire,) responding to Audrey from Palm Desert and you talking about intergenerational relationships, where you say about Rachel, "She keeps me alive and engaged. I push myself, constantly, so that I don’t seem old to her." This captures my relationship with my wife. I just turned 59, and she's just turned 65.

A:  And well you should.  You are out of shape, and she is not.    I am just assuming. 

Q: For now, I only have an observation to share, but it seems important. When I opened the email for today's newsletter, my screen had cut off one letter, so it reads: "Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten from The Gene Poo."  -Andy Schotz 

A: Very nice.   But in self defense, this is more of a pee-themed site, based on Bob Staake’s great animated illustration at the top of the Introductory Gene Pool, right here.  

*

Q:  Back in the day, an elevator operator got tired of people getting in the elevator and asking if the operator knew what time it was. So one night he installed a clock inside, above the door. The next morning, the first person in  the elevator looked up and said, "Is that clock right?"

- Tom Logan, Sterling VA

A: Elegant.

Q:  The Post article is great, and very important. I think many Americans live in a fantasy world when it comes to guns. Gun owners picture themselves defending their families as if they are the hero in an action movie. The NRA has quite consciously and purposefully exploited this. The more people can see how awful, violent and messy the use of guns really is, the better. Though gun nuts like to claim that non gun people are ignorant about guns, few of them understand how much more destructive the bullets from an AR-15 style rifle can be. 

This article shows that. 

That being said, I’m not convinced that even the few gun nuts that actually read the Post will be changed one bit by this. To a large part of the American public, guns are a religion.  – Sean Clinchy

A: I don’t think it’s a religion so much as a grumpy and sour finger to authority:  I like shooting guns.   You dasn’t take that way from me.”  

Q: Whoa. I already posted my opinion on the Post article, and then I see this:

It’s America’s attitude towards guns in a nutshell.  – Sean Clinchy. 

A: My God, this is horrible.

A couple of jokes. The first is one you probably wouldn't have heard because it is very regional and likely would not resonate with someone who lives in the D.C. area, but when I quoted it the other day, several people said they hadn't heard it before. It's in the form of a riddle:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum and the armadillo it could be done.

 A: I like that! 

Q: The second joke : This was told by a  Black standup comic who had bought a house in a predominantly White neighborhood. He was mowing his lawn when one of his neighbors stopped and asked how much he was getting paid for the job. No pay, he said, but "I get to sleep with the woman who lives here."

Q:  A boy named Johnny hears the priest say during his Ash Wednesday homily - “Remember man that you are dust, and unto to dust you shall return.” After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. 

They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

A: This is kind of charming.

*

Q:   So. If the Washington Times printed a graphic collage of aborted fetuses, emphasizing later term fetuses, would that constitute courageous journalism or irresponsible journalism?

A: This is a very savvy question.   Totally fair. Took me aback.   But I think there is a simple answer.    I would have no problem with their right to do that, but I would hold them to a high standard of accuracy.  Are they reporting on something that is common enough to warrant the treatment?  Are they giving enough explanation of the reasons for the late-term abortions, which are rare and usually occasioned by extreme birth defects?  

Q: A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night." "Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his little orange hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."

A: Thank you.

Q:  The captured soldier was courageous, so much so his captors devised a competition for him to beat execution and be released, or die in the process. There were 3 tents he’d need to conquer, and live: The first had a quart of vodka he’d need to drink entirely. If he survived, the second had a vicious pit bull he’d need to knock out. The third had a beautiful female commando, trained to kill and armed to the teeth, and he’d have to “have his way with her.”  

So he began. Drank the vodka from the first tent. Staggering, entered the second tent. Growls, teeth gnashings.  Fighting. Bodies tossed. Then, things got quiet and one could hear the dog snoring.  The soldier breaks out of the tent and says, “Ok, where’s the tent with the commando I’m supposed to knock out?”

A: I have heard this before, but with different details.   I like the captive angle.   

Q:   It's me, your old pal Elizardbeth, the copy desk escapee. I was working the A section of a midsize daily around 9/11 and during Iraq war and weighed in on several discussions of what kind of imagery to run. We ran, for example, photos of Uday and Qusay Hussein's bodies, but on an inside page and in black and white, and the argument that won out in that instance and all others was that people needed their understanding of these conflicts to be more concrete--to hew closer to the real horror. Maybe not on A1 and maybe not in color, but yes, in the paper.

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know; my point in responding is to express gratitude and sympathy for, and solidarity with, the editors who had to pore over screen after screen of wire photos that will haunt their dreams and damage their hearts.

And anyone who thinks this decision is made out of some prurient interest or hope that it will sell papers should know how very hard that process is, and how impossible it is to think about clicks and single-copy numbers while you're going through it. 

Anyone who thinks it's a political issue and not essential knowledge for all humans should spend some time examining why they think that, too. 

A: I am kind of a hardass about this general issue, and have always been.   I don’t think we need to protect people from being disturbed.    I haven’t changed much on this issue. 

Many, many years ago, in 1987, when Elizardbeth was a wee lass, or possibly a fetus or zygote, there was an amazing news story out of Harrisburg, PA.  The state treasurer, Budd Dwyer, had been charged with conspiracy, mail fraud, and racketeering.   On the day before his sentencing, he called a news conference, which was very well attended, including by TV reporters and 9 cameras, because there was speculation that he was doing it to publicly resign.  He wasn’t.  He was doing it to publicly commit suicide.   After a rambling, somewhat paranoid speech, he pulled a gun out of a manila envelope, put it in his mouth, and pulled the trigger. 

News outlets around the country were deeply challenged. There was much hand-wringing: The entire episode was photographed.  The photos and video were disturbing but overpowering.     Virtually every paper used the one halfway down on this website, which is of Dwyer brandishing the gun.    Virtually none of the newspapers used the one I had recommended to my newspaper, which was the one with the gun in his mouth, a moment before the shot. It was horrifying but unforgettable.  I never understood the decision to not publish something unforgettable. Isn’t that what we DO?

Q:  I do know a riddle is not a joke.  And I think you've heard this before, but only from me.  But I love this one so dearly...

Here at Vampire Abatement Services, Inc., whom do we turn to when we craft our mission statement?

Our stakeholders.

-David Smith

A:  Also elegant.  I don’t remember hearing this.

Q: Process complaint: I am a subscriber to the Invitational. But if I am not able to sign on for your chat within a day or so (I'm not sure what the window is), here's what happens: I click the orange button. It asks for my email and I enter it. Then I says, "it looks like you are a subscriber! We just sent you a link to sign in."

My question: Once it sees that I'm a subscriber, why can't I sign in with a password? Instead, I have to wait for an email (which can be 5 minutes or longer; I'm waiting for one right now), go back to my email, open a message, click on another link, do one more click to get to the content.  Yes, this is a First World problem, but the bad news for you is that sometimes the interruption is too much and I simply give up. Such as now. I had hoped to read quickly through Thursday's chat, but now I have to be somewhere. I won't try again because it will be the same dumb process.

Can you let Substack know how annoying this is?

Thank you.

A: I can, and have.  

This is Gene. Just wanted to say that the poll surprised me in one way only. I am surprised anyone thought the joke was “not funny.” I can certainly see how someone could reasonably think it was in bad taste. But it IS funny.

Q: Regarding cheating: the question was asked in a pretty binary fashion, so I had to respond to the poll in a binary fashion that yes, I did cheat. In two relationships, around 37 and 41 years ago, I strayed while the primary relationship was in an ambiguous status (we were on a break! Really!). And in my current marital relationship (the only one I have had), 35 years ago I strayed between the first and second date. So that seems to be cheating by the standards under which the question was asked, yet I suspect most people would see it as pretty forgivable, if they forgive extramarital nookie at all.

A:  This is a public service announcement.   Many many years ago, in a distant galaxy, I used “nooky” in a story.   It got in the paper.   I got a summons to the executive editor’s office and was informed it was a dirty filthy word, no less objectionable than the c-word.  I protested it was no such thing, but he showed it.  It directly refers to female genitalia. 

I had one other similar experience, which I have written about at least once before.    In the mid-1980s, at the Miami Herald, I wrote a column that had the phrase “get laid” in it.  I was chastised by the publisher about how this was unsuitable, even in a humor context.   So I used the Herald computer system and discovered the paper had used “get laid” something like 160 times in the previous five years!  So I asked for an appointment with the publisher. I was going to be righteously indignant.     He graciously allotted me some time.  

As I sat in the anteroom to his office, I began to think….  160 times?  So I found a computer, and re-checked, in greater context, and discovered that all 160 were in the greater context of “got laid off.”     I canceled my self-righteous interview and meekly returned to my office.  

Q:  My special dysfunction:  I have usually a half-dozen peanut butter jars, most of them half empty. I don't like being without peanut butter in the house, so I buy the two-pack at the Cost Company. I also like my peanut butter as fresh as possible, so I'll often start a new jar before, well, you get the idea.

A: I have several jars of capers and at least four jars of cocktail sauce.  Every time I buy clams or oysters or fish, I can’t recall if I have any cocktail sauce or capers, so buy another.  

Q: With regard to the Antwerp train-stational flash mob you liked to several weeks ago: My all-time favorite (and not because I grew up in Michigan) is the Grand Rapids "American Pie" pre-planned mob video.

A: You love this probably b/c your are from Grand Rapids, and I respect that.   But.  It blows because nobody is playing music.  No one is even trying to pretend they are.  And the “singing” is lip synch.  So it’s a dud, IMO

Only the pillow fight is funny.   

This is Gene. I am going to call this one down. We return Thursday (Tgiving) with the Invitational Gene Pool. There will be no real-time Q’s and A’s and O’s, because let’s face it, we will all be eating and excreting.

Please keep sending in questions, etc.