A Hard Reign's Gonna Fall

Jack Ohman’s brilliant cartoon from Inauguration Day, January 20th, MLK Day.

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Dear President Trump:

I am responding to your administration’s call for secret informants. I am hereby proud to become one.

You guys want people to rat out their federal coworkers if they think someone is trying to circumvent your executive order that prohibits exercising anything resembling the protocols of the program of Diversity, Equality, Inclusion and Accessibility. In the memo, your lieutenants specifically cite malefactors who employ “the insidious practice of using coded or imprecise language” to disguise their true intent. Tattlers are instructed to '“please report all facts and circumstances to DEIAtruth@opm.gov within 10 days.” And there was an Or Else.

This memo went out to employees of several agencies last week. An appendix notes that failure to report such activities could result in unspecified “adverse consequences,” which reads like an intriguing understatement, especially if uttered slowly with the appropriate Teutonic sibilance.

Well, I am pleased and proud to report that I have already identified a malefactor! As a good citizen and an enthusiastic supporter of yours I am reporting it to you today. The violation, in fact, was contained in the very selfsame memo seeking informants! I am afraid to inform you, Mr. President, that it uses coded and imprecise language. Sir, I feel you must jump onto this breach of your authority immediately.

The memo says that the DEIA program — which ostensibly levels the workplace to more inclusively accommodate the needs of the physically disabled, and integrate persons of diverse backgrounds who are politically marginalized or historically discriminated against — that the very program has in fact been injurious because it has “divided Americans by race, wasted taxpayer dollars, and resulted in shameful discrimination.”

As I said, the problem is that this document itself is full of “coded and imprecise language,” the way that, in the past, “states rights” meant the n-word, “international bankers” meant “Jews,” and “Barack Hussein Obama” meant “Hussein.”

Consider “discrimination.” In the memo this noun is codified, declared “shameful,” implying that discrimination is simply naked prejudice and injustice; however, as you can see from Merriam-Webster the broader definition of discrimination is quite positive: “recognition and understanding of the difference between one thing and another,” as in "discrimination between right and wrong,” and as in “the ability to discern what is of high quality.”

If you say someone has a “discriminating palate,” for example, that is great gustatory praise. And so, contrary to the implications of the memo, you might be “discriminating” if you were able to distinguish valuable talent in someone of unprivileged upbringing, or a minority population, or who might be physically handicapped. And so I would advise that this memo be rewritten to say what it really is intended to mean, which is that DEIA direly threatens prejudice “against White cisgender men,” such as Tom Hanks.

I realize you have been unaware of this dishonest manipulation of language so as to confuse. It is why I am reporting this, and why I will remain vigilant against further appearances of it.

Now, let’s take that expression “adverse consequences.” Definitely imprecise. It could mean punishments that range in severity from a reprimand to, say, ordering an angry mob to march on the violator’s house and burn it down. Be clearer. If it is the march-to-the-house thing, say it forthrightly so there is more honesty and no confusion. Take pride in your values.

And finally, I would suggest that this matter of the program “wasting taxpayer money,” needs to be uncoded, in the name of Einstein. Waste, like everything, is relative. The total budget for the Department of Defense is $841 billion yearly. Over four years that comes to $3.36 trillion dollars, whereas the total budget for the Defense Department’s DEIA program for the four years of the Biden administration was $162 million. By my calculations, relatively speaking, that is roughly the cost of one fill-up of windshield wiper fluid compared to the full cost of a 2025 Rolls Royce Phantom VIII with the optional refrigerator in the center console.

So.

That’s my pitch, Mr. President.

FYI: The specific guy I am informing on — the one who signed the memo I saw — is the acting Secretary of Labor, a guy named Vince Micone. I am sure you will see to it that he receives the appropriate “adverse consequences.”

As for me, I will be Standing Back and Standing By.

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Okay now we move to the Questions and Observations segment of The Gene Pool. The Q’s and O’s I respond to below came in before 9 p.m. on Sunday night. Please send more of these things now, and you’ll be able to read my responses through the week.

Send them here:

Lastly, today’s 2 extraneous Gene Pool Gene Poll:

Part II —

Aaaand… The Gene Pool thrives and survives on reader support. Please help us out, if you can, by upgrading your subscription to “paid.” It is only $4.15 a month. We experiment with things in The Gene Pool — such as this boring appeal, which is very straightforward and has no snark, wordplay, etc. It even has a little pathos, something we tend to avoid. So, if you have it in your heart and wallet . . . please.

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Q I worked in immigration law, though I admit it was 25 years ago. Pardoning those who are here illegally (they entered without authorization/visas, they overstayed a lawful visa, etc.) would not really solve the problem. Yes, it can be a crime to enter or overstay. But whether it is a crime or not, someone who lacks proper authorization to be in the U.S. is subject to removal (deportation); the act of deportation is not per se evidence of a crime and is not necessarily punishment for a crime. I don't think a pardon for an immigration-related crime would prevent the government from deporting the pardon recipient because that recipient would still be in the country without authorization. Trump and his band of loons want all "illegal" immigrants gone. A preemptive pardon wouldn't protect anyone from deportation.:

A: Right. This was about someone’s question about whether Biden could have preemptively pardoned future victims of Trump’s roundup. Several lawyers weighed in, similarly.

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Q: Have you seen this? Tech bros on parade, from Colbert.

A: Whoa. Pretty good. There is one line that is very, very rude, even for Late Night.

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Q: I don't think talking about how awful and evil Trump is will help. I propose more of what he really hates and, I suspect, fears: mockery. Every time some criminal commits an appalling or contemptibly petty act, let's publicly call for a presidential pardon, e.g., the idiot who burned down a bar in Puerto Rico for evicting him. It would be more constructive than the columnists who keep publishing columns about what Trump should do now, as though he's open to reasoned advice.

This might not help either, but it will be more fun.

Alan

A: I love this idea. The crazier the better. Like, urging him to posthumously pardon Pee Wee Herman.

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Q: On your question about how stupid Americans seem to be: Everything in the wellness community. Everything being taken seriously is my example of idiots being led to slaughter. Multi-level Marketing, and toxins everywhere, and 5G — radio-frequency disaster! etc.

I kid you not, straight from one of their mouths I heard the following. “Sunglasses make you more likely to get skin cancer because if your eyes don’t think it’s that sunny, your skin doesn’t put activate it’s UV defense.”

I said “That’s not how it works” and they said “Agree to disagree.”

A: I feel I asked this before, but here is an Instapoll:

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Q: One of the most insipid things I saw this week was an online chat calling for Pope Francis to defrock Bishop Budde in retaliation for her sermon.

A: Yes. The bishop is Episcopalian, so suggesting that Francis defrock her would be like suggesting that the chief Hassidic rabbi of Brooklyn fire the Archbishop of Canterbury.

You know, Bishop Budde is the person who agreed to inter Matthew Shepard’s remains into the National Cathedral after 20 years because his parents had held onto his ashes for fear they would be vandalized by hateful maniacs. She may be Trump’s worthiest adversary.

Q: I have been negatively impressed for some time by the trend of lace-up boots also having side zippers. If, given the choice, we want to wear laced shoes but would prefer not to to be bothered to tie shoelaces, what chance is there for civilization?

A: Well, laces usually look better than zippers, so this makes partial sense to me. Rachel, however, has a stupider pair of boots. Each one has TWO zippers; one works and one — the fancier one — is frozen in place, and just for show.

I’ll leave you with this, by Gene Pool reader Philip Ellerin:

“The new administration is akin to a chess board only displaying a king and pawns.”

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See you soon.