Tuesday Chat #4 -- Neurosis
Greetings. Below begins the internationally famous interactive part of today’s chat! The introduction can be found here. Send questions for this part here, and I will answer as many as I can. This chat will be updated as we go; you may have to renew the screen.
And lastly, yes, you can also comment and talk amongst yourselves at will. I will pitch in where appropriate.
Q: Now that you're on Substack, are you willing to tell us your "horrible opinion?"
A: I’ve been waiting three weeks for this question. I thought it might never come. For newbies, some explanation is warranted. Many years ago, in my Post chat, I said that I had an opinion, about private decisions interacting with social policy, that I felt strongly about, but which I would never discuss publicly. The reason, I explained, was that the opinion would both anger, and cause pain to, innocent people. It is not racist or sexist or homophobic or prejudicial in other obvious ways. It is just … extreme.
I have discussed it with a very few good friends. Many (not all) agreed with me. All said you are correct do not ever discuss this publicly.
You ask me now if the fact that this is in a substack and not The Post changes that. It doesn’t. This is not a matter of taste, it is a matter of needlessly giving injury. So, nope, you won’t get it here.
Q: So, all things considered, If you HAD to choose another career path, what would it have been? And why, of course?
A: Probably trial lawyer. I would love to write and deliver arguments that wring sympathy out of jurors’ hearts, right civil wrongs, bring justice to the oppressed, earn enormous payouts, and thus such. Clarence Darrow type. But I am not sure I could have endured three years of the bullshit that is law school. So I think the more honest answer might be: antique clock repairer. It’s the only other thing I do well, and it stokes my soul, assuming I have one.
Speaking of Clarence Darrow, my grandpa tried a case with him — a murder case they won. Grandpa never wanted to talk about Darrow. Just changed the subject. I now know why. Darrow was a brilliant orator, a defender of the downtrodden, a tireless supporter of the American worker, and a totally disreputable scumbag. If you get a chance read “The People v. Clarence Darrow” by Geoffrey Cowan. It is a great book. Darrow bribed juries, shamelessly misled important people to raise money, among other things. Samuel Gompers died hating him.
By the way, until I was about 15, I pronounced “misled” as I read it: “MIZE-eld.”
Q: Where do you see yourself in 50 years? —Dale from Chicago
A: I am hoping my mailing address will be in Congressional Cemetery in Washington, six feet beneath a tombstone I designed many years ago. My daughter has informed me she will try to make this happen. Congressional Cemetery allows dogs. The tombstone I would like would say “Gene Weingarten, a funny man who loved dogs.” No other information will be available. The stone would be in the shape of a fire hydrant.
Q: Gene, you like David Von Drehle and generally agree with his opinions. What is your reaction to his column headlined, "If the Mar-a-Lago case collapses? Disaster dodged, America." The best comment I read on his column came from someone named smrwapo, who wrote, "Von Drehle's next column: ignore that rotten tooth on the right side of your mouth because you also have a cavity forming on the left."
A: I agree with David one hundred percent. He persuaded me. This is not about whether Trump deserves punishment. Of course he does. David says that, too. It is about what is the best strategy to get rid of that inflated bloated crooked vulgar vulture schmuck for all time. He is currently politically inert. Sapped of all strength. A trial could resurrect him. It is entirely possible Trump WANTS to be prosecuted.
Q: Do you have a favorite starting word for the Wordle? (I apologize for assuming you play the Wordle, but I'm 95% certain that you do and that you also have gripes about it, including that there is no basis for determining the probability of specific letters or words, so the difference between getting it in 2 tries or 5 is often just bad luck, which can be infuriating.)
A: We vary it but under certain basic constraints. The choice must have two vowels and at least two of the following: ETAISONHRD. Why those? Because that is generally consider the usage order for the first 10 letters. (That was a formula from my yoot; it might have changed slightly over the years.). Another guide is the keyboard of the Linotype, which began with the most used letters, which the 19th-century designer famously decided was ETAOINSHRDLU.
Q: Once upon a time, long, long ago I won a nice looking wooden Style Invitational pen. Seems like a strange prize to be included with bumper stickers, t-shirts and other Gopherdrool. What was that all about?
A: They were very early prizes. I ordered them naively, and shortly afterwards realized the prizes had to be cheesy crap, in keeping with the nature of the contest. I was gratified to find out that the pens had truly terrible ink cylinders that tended to go dry and the nib would scratch holes in the paper.
Q: Gene --- You may already know this --- no doubt being an avid reader of Women's Wear Daily --- but in case you don't, the Missouri House of Representatives, in a last minute addition to its critical female dress code update, grudgingly decided that, along with a jacket or knit blazer, a female legislator can now wear a cardigan. Imagine that ! She doesn't have the right to choose a much more personal matter, along with all other women in the state, but she now can select between three items of dress when in the statehouse. Who says Missouri isn't making progress. Any thoughts on a Gene Pool/Invitational dress code ?
A: Yes. thank you for reminding me. I have been meaning to mention this. The Gene Pool has no right to demand any dress code of any of you, for any part of your day or week EXCEPT for the hour that The Gene Pool is live. During that hour, a dress code is mandatory. Everyone — male or female or non-binary — must dress like Donald Duck. You must wear a top — frilly blouses for the ladies, shirts and ties for the gentleman — but nothing from the waist down. I realize this might cause some problems at, say, the office, but mandatory is mandatory.
Q: Do you ever respond to questions to which the answers are merely informative, without being amusing?
A: You mean like this one? I do.
See next post.
Q: Hey Gene. So it’s been a few years since the 2008 election of Obama. How does Obama rank now? Passage of time can help us with more clarity when assessing presidents.
He’s obviously far better than those two guys he’s sandwiched by. But does he belong among the greats? I’m a little skeptical. It’s not like his foreign policies look all that great. The trade deals were cancelled, and Hillary also said she’d cancel them. I’d say he was weak weak weak on Russia. Didn’t do anything substantial about the 2014 invasion of Ukraine, so Putin learned he could attack without consequences. His Syria policy went nowhere. The red line was just a bluff. His major win was not being W so the US became more popular and trusted abroad. (And all this is coming from an Obama admirer. I just don’t think he got it right on foreign policy)
A: I suspect that Obama is firmly settled into the “better than average” tier, which is not a bad place to be, beside Polk, Cleveland, McKinley, John Adams, James Monroe. All good men, principled, largely successful and historically respected. You could argue that part of his ranking owes to his social/historical importance, but that would be undervaluing his social/historical importance. Plus he was a gracious, hugely intelligent, eloquent, and honest president at a time when such things were in short supply. Plus, he got a lot of things right. Recession recovery, Obamacare, Wall Street reform, general decency, etc. Better than average, by far. Not quite “near great,” for the reasons you mentioned.
Q: What is it with the obsession with “body grooming”? I went to the local big box store to buy some kind of electric razor for my teen who needs to shave (but so far won’t)— and was dazzled and bewildered by the array of grooming devices and attachments available to remove… everything? I like my men furry (hence my furry son) but am I just old and out of touch? Is this a porn thing? Is everyone a competitive swimmer?
A: I think it’s a porn thing, and I hate that. And I think it’s mostly about pubes. For one thing, porn has informed men that clear cutting down there “adds a visual inch” to length. Men are obsessed with length, which is ridiculous. Ask any woman. They should be obsessed with girth.
The loyal long-term reader of my stuff knows I am appalled by the whole clear-cut phenomenon. I think it makes everyone look pre-pubescent. My theory is that the young men of today grew up with internet porn, and internet porn — I am reliably told by people I know who have relatives who have friends who have colleagues who know people who are familiar with this — generally features bared ladies. So that is the ideal they grew up with. So that is what they want. So that is what they get from ladies wanting to please.
A theory only. Have at me if you disagree.
Q: Are you going to be doing any long-form feature reporting on this Substack? Or in some other forum? --Brian in Rhode Island
A: Maybe. This whole thing is still in its infancy, so I am learning and planning as I go, but I don’t plan to just become a poem-on-demand service. My editor, Tom the Butcher, is trying to get me to dramatically expand into long form, and we are Negotiating. He has a diabolical plan involving posts that are 90,000 words long or something.
Q: Hi Gene, on Thursday you wrote "Some people react to plays and movies as though they are real; they have, perhaps, greater empathy. Others, like me and you, are always subliminally aware this is just a performance and don't get as emotionally involved. I am seldom or ever moved to fear by a horror movie, for example. " Does this apply to verbal descriptions of things that some people find disgusting to hear and others do not? I'm thinking of rotting food, mushy poop, blood and guts, etc. I can talk about these things all day long, but I know plenty of people who get the heebie-jeebies from someone talking about such subjects. Horror movies creep me out mildly when I watch them, but they also make me a little afraid of the dark. That leads me to think that different mind processes are at work.
A: We are talking about apples and chewing gum. Watching a movie is immersing yourself in a world created to engulf you. Some people allow themselves to be engulfed. Others, like me, are at a greater remove. Icky talk is not the same experience.
I am also immune to icky talk, by the way. I can happily chow down seconds after someone has described, say, an episode of vomiting.
Q; Floaters I had. Turned out to be a post vitreous detachment. No big deal, heals over time. Except 10% of the time you get a detached retina. I was in the 10%. Just something else for you to worry about Gene, to take your mind off COVID.
A: YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT? I am practically a doctor, albeit an incompetent one. A detaching retina involves flashes and such, which I don’t have.
Q: I am a hypochondriac, who, like you, has insisted he has the disease that was just casually mentioned in conversation about being next door to someone who parked next to a colleague’s grocer. It is hell checking one’s teeth for wiggles. It helps to be married to a doctor, who answers every medical inquiry with “you’re dying.” “Dear, what could wrist pain mean?” “You’re dying.” End of convo. Googling symptoms sucks. But what do I do now? She’s got COVID, I don’t. In fact the score is doctor 2, me zero. She’s the doctor and I can’t convince her to take her symptoms seriously, meaning she won’t see a doctor for herself (although she masks and stays home, etc.) How do I give her a piece of my hypochondria? — Marc from the Military
A: I don’t know, but I will tell you, and you can tell her (this is in my book) that my first doctor, a Dr. Katzev — when I was a boy — was a similarly stoic character. He wound up dying of a cold that he let fester until it became obstructive pneumonia.
Q: I got a bunch of eye floaters just this morning, and I would have dismissed them as nothing more than he result of staring at computer screens. Now I am am going to have to go home and administer a COVID test. I hate you.
A: I hate you, too! This is going great!
Q: Gene, loved your intro on what I am going to label your mild somatization disorder (or what used to be called being a hypochondriac). I am a primary care doctor and this is… common. So, so common. You actually have MUCH better insight than most patients who are made miserable by this kind of thing which is an excellent prognostic sign for you.
A: Thank you. Honestly, what helped me gain insight, mostly, was the ordeal of writing a humor book about it. You have no choice but to see yourself as the ridiculous person you are.
Q: Please tell us a Murphy story! Dogs are so much more interesting than people.
A: Are you SURE you want to hear a Murphy story? Okay, here goes:
Murphy is dead. Has been for a while. I wrote about her here. However, I have a new dog, also a Plott Hound. Her name is Lexi, and you will be reading plenty about her. If you have 45 minutes, you can start here. Warning: Bring a hankie.
Q: a local neighbor has 4 cats, allows them in and out at will, day and night, for many years. this week they put a bird feeder in their back yard. seems wrong to the boids for me. you?
A: Definitely wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Just letting cats out is bad enough. Erecting a trap for their kills is heinous.
Q: I kind of agree that it's a bad idea to prosecute Trump for the Mar-a-lago documents, even though he is clearly guilty of intentional behavior that is nothing like the likely doofus negligence that explains the docuemets in Biden's possion. But the problem with the don't-prosecute-you'll-ressurect-him argument is that he is guilty of so many OTHER things. We can't give him a free pass on threatening Faffesnburger or fomenting Jan 6 without effectively agreeing with him that he's above the law. People died on Jan. 6. Because of him. He didn't actually shoot anyone on 5th Ave in broad daylight but he came close.
A: I hear ya, and I get it. But there are sharply conflicting powers here, and to me, making sure he never gets near public office again is #1. I think it would be possibly to handle the publicity / releases / explanations to make it clear to the world what a piece of crap he is, and what he is guilty of .. short of indicting him.
Q: Speaking as someone who endured both law school and 15 years as a litigator, I think you have it backwards. It's dealing with the realities of trial practice that would have driven you crazy, not law school. The incentives in trial work are not on the side of the noble.
A: Understood. I think I could deal with the realities of the profession, though. What bugs me is doing moot things for three years. Writing for the eyes of, like, one person.
Q: Gene --- Just wanted to let you know that your hypochondria (apart from a decent score on the MCAT exam and a couple of other minor things) qualifies you to be a first year medical student.
A: Second year, I would say. Read my book. I know WAAY too much bad stuff for first year
Q: I wanted to take issue with a response you gave long ago on some other interactive chat forum. A male questioner asked why he regularly had flatulence when using the urinal, and you suggested that there could not possibly be any link between the two because those processes come from unconnected closed systems. Sadly, I think you missed the forest for the trees here. Emptying the bladder changes the distribution of pressure on all of the organs around it, and could easily create enough of a change in pressure to allow some patiently waiting bolus to finally make its escape, just as this new chat finally allows me to correct this misinformation. I feel better now.
A: I now KNOW The Gene Pool will be a success.
Q: Re Trump prosecution -- you (and David) seem to be assuming he couldn't be convicted. That would have pretty serious consquences that Faux News isn't allowed to overturn.
A: Ah, but the actual trial would not happen until after the election. Certainly after the campaign period.
Q: Why do you not get royalties on "A Hypochondriac's Guide?" It's not THAT old a book, sufficient unto Public Domain?
A: Two reasons. The big one is that the original book, my first, did not “earn out,” meaning the publisher didn’t recoup his initial investment, which was my “advance.” Until it does (never will) I get no royalties at all. Second reason is that when you buy a book used, the writer gets bupkis.
Hey, this was great. I am ending this now. The questions were terrific, and plentiful. I think we’re taking off. See you all on Thursday, with the results of Invitational Number One. They are terrific.
Coming Thursday right here! The Invitational Week 3, featuring one of our most popular recurring contests (a biennial one). Plus: Funny and irreverent short poems about recently (and currently) dead people, courtesy of our band of Loserbards.
i didn't get a brain tumor until I started being flooded with wordle horseshit every day. thanks, all!