The Invitational Week 68: Pun for the Roses

Our annual crazy-popular horse 'breeding' wordplay contest. Plus winning anagrams.

From a 1938 Kentucky Derby advertising poster. War Admiral’s sire: Man O’ War. (Not Invite-level clever.)

Breed Triple Crown nominees Gettysburg Address and Midnight Love and name their foal Four Scores

Triple Espresso x Next Level = Caffeine^8

Hancock x Stoke the Fire = Stroke the Fire

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Hello.

The Kentucky Derby has been run every single year since 1875. And while we at The Invitational are almost 149 years old ourselves, our “breeding” contest — our most popular contest of the year — has been running for only 29 of them. Our game is based on the tradition of naming racehorses by alluding to the name of either or both parents — e.g., Perfectify, one of this year’s horses, is the son of Above Perfection and Justify — but we take it to the Next Level (another on this year’s list) with puns and other zingy wordplay galore.

For Invitational Week 68: At this link (tinyURL.com/inv-horses-2024) is a list of 100 of the hundreds of 3-year-old thoroughbred racehorses initially considered for the 2024 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. “Breed” any two names and name the “foal” to humorously play off both parents’ names, as in the examples above. (Yes, they’re almost all male, so no, they won’t actually be romancing in the future. Anyway, it’s all about the names; we have no interest in the attributes of the actual horses.) You may submit as many as 25 pairings.

On the same link above, beneath the list of the horses’ names: For your Guidance, Inspiration, and Just Plain Entertainment™ are the inking entries from last year’s contest. There are dozens and dozens, so if you’re unfamiliar with our foal contest, you’ll see what we’re looking for. (Last year’s winner, courtesy of Jesse Frankovich: Disarm x I Don’t Get It = Stumped.)

Note these Hard ’n’ Fast Rules!
— As in thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but we strongly favor names that are easy to read (capitalizing the individual words helps). 

— Please write each entry in the A x B = C format of the examples above so we can sort the thousands of entries by horse-parent name.

— Don’t give a foal a name that’s also on the list; such an entry never gets ink.

Deadline is Saturday, April 27, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 2, two days before Derby Day.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-68. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. 

That week’s new contest will be our annual “grandfoal” challenge to breed any two of the winning names. (So if you’re not a yearly Gene Pool subscriber, a measly $5 one-month subscription will let you enter the foal and grandfoal contests, plus get all the other Pool noodles.)

So push this button already!

The winner of this year’s Kentucky Derby gets a cool $3.1 million. The winner of our contest gets a cool pair of pizza earrings, complete with clips you can hang them from if your lobes are holeless.

Sorry, not kosher for Passover: This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or suggestions, which we hope to deal with in real time. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

Maim Brands: The product anagrams of Week 66

In Week 66 we asked you to rearrange the letters of a product or business name, then describe the resulting anagram.

Third runner-up:
FRANK’S HOT SAUCE > ANUS AFTERSHOCK:  You definitely don’t want to put this on everything. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.)  

Second runner-up:
ROKU > R U OK? A service that checks on you if you’ve been holed up bingeing TV shows for a week and a half. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
GOD BLESS THE USA BIBLE > OBESE BAG’S SHILL DEBUT: A grifter’s attempt to cash in on credulous followers. “And the Lord did command that all of the children of Israel fork over $60 to help their leader float a bond for his porn-star hush-money trial.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Toilet Hunting seated target-shooting game:
CHARMIN > HI, MR. CAN!:  New from Procter & Gamble — talking toilet paper! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

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Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

As always, if you think the best entry is not one of those four, but one of the Honorable Mentions (below), tell us in the Comments.

INVITATIONAL > NO, I AIN’T VITAL: Honorable mentions

KAY JEWELERS > WEASEL JERKY:  The restaurant chain that’s de rigueur for dinner dates in Mississippi: “Every kiss begins with Weasel Jerky.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)  

BUDWEISER > WIDE RUBES: The heavy beer for light thinkers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

LEVI’S > EVILS:  Jeans that make your butt look even bigger than you imagined.  (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

SHELL OIL COMPANY > HEY, MAN, COOL SPILL!: No oil-shaming with our ocean cleanup service! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

TOOTSIE POPS > POOPSIE TOTS: For some reason, the dog seems to like these treats. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AMAZON PRIME > MAIZE MA PORN: An internet channel where women do naughty things with corncobs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

APPLE VISION PRO > A NIPPLE PROVISO: A VR set that comes with a porn-only stipulation. (Duncan Stevens)

BANK OF AMERICA > I AM FAKE, CAN ROB: A bot that will helpfully clean out your savings account.  (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

BUDWEISER > US BE WEIRD:  Anheuser-Busch’s new line of  tofu-cheese beer. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)    

BUTTERFINGER > BUTTFINGERER: Let’s just say you shouldn’t pass them out on Halloween. (Jesse Frankovich)

FIRESTONE > RISE OFTEN: Rubber the right way with our boutique condom and ED products. (Kevin Dopart)

CHARMIN ULTRA SOFT > RICH MAN’S FLAT TOUR:  Book your visit now to Trump’s penthouse bathroom to see where he does his business. Make checks payable to the State of New York. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

COOL WHIP > LOCO WHIP: A THC-laced dessert topping that goes great on brownies. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

DAVE’S KILLER BREAD > DEVILLED BARK EARS > ABRADED ELK LIVERS:  High-fiber spreads for high-fiber toast. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

DIOR > ROID:  The ultimate high-fashion bodybuilder’s brief. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

DUNKIN > UNKIND!: With every donut, we serve up some snide comments about your spare tire. (Beverley Sharp)

FIDELITY INVESTMENTS > INFIDELITY VESTMENTS:  Our line of lingerie will yield solid dividends! (Jesse Frankovich)

FROOT LOOPS > STOOLPROOF: Delicious sugary-sweet low-fiber breakfast cereal that’ll block you up for sure.  (Jeff Contompasis)

GUINNESS STOUT > IGNEOUS STUNTS:  The finest beer for flaming farts. (Chris Doyle)

JELL-O > O-JELL:  With this personal lubricant, there’s always room for … everything.  (Tom Witte)

Lancôme > CalmOne: Xanax-infused lotions and fragrances. (Chris Doyle)

MERRILL LYNCH, PIERCE, FENNER & SMITH INCORPORATED > PLENTY-HARD ERECTION-CINCH PILLS FOR MERRIER MEN: Perform like a bull! (Jesse Frankovich)

MOLSON BEER > BOOMER LENS: Opticians specializing in geezers’ beer goggles. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)  

MYPILLOW CLASSIC > I SIMPLY CALL COWS:  When counting sheep isn’t working, this model takes it up a level. (Duncan Stevens)  

NATURE MADE > MANURED TEA: You said you wanted organic, right?  Just don’t let it steep for too long. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

NETFLIX > LEFTNIX: Tucker Carlson’s new streaming service. (Jesse Frankovich)

POP-TARTS > POT PARTS: These pastries’ special filling makes you even hungrier! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)  

RALPH LAUREN > HER LUNAR PAL: Feel classy all over and under with designer sanitary pads. (Kevin Dopart)  

TRUTH SOCIAL > OR A SHIT CULT: Six of one … (Neal Starkman)

UNDER ARMOUR SPORTSWEAR > MR. POOTER URANUS DRAWERS: Underwear with a methane filter. (Jon Gearhart)

The headline “Maim Brands” is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 20: our Week 67 contest to move the last letter of a word to the beginning, and define the new word. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 67: Bring Up the Rear

Now we enter the real-time portion of the Gene Pool, where we take your questions and observations, and respond to them. If you are reading this in real time, please remember to keep refreshing the screen to see new stuff. Many of the Questions an Observations today are related to the question, raised in the last Gene Pool, about why millions of Americans are primed and ready to vote for a treasonous slimebucket. Also, more on pranks.

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Q: Did any consensus emerge from your poll about what KIND of jackass might still enthusiastically support Trump?

A: Not a consensus, no: The answers were pretty evenly spread. (“Stupid people.” “nihilistic people,” “selfish people,” “angry people,” etc.). But a deeper theme did emerge in questions in observations. You’ll see some of this below in the questions and observations. But let me summarize a whole bunch of entries here:

The choices were reasonable but superficial, because they did not reflect the underlying factor that impelled these people to worship such a broken, flawed buffoon. Here it is, in summary:

Trump is not Hitler — yet! — but he is using a similar neofascist tactic: allowing people to explain their unsatisfying station in life by scapegoating others — in Hitler’s case, Jews, in Trump’s case migrants, liberals, gays, etc. It’s a very consoling theme: It’s not your fault, it’s their fault. Also, Trump has created an atmosphere where it seems okay to speak previously verboten thoughts without censure, things decent people weren’t supposed to say. He has normalized and mainstreamed racism and xenophobia, homophobia and blind, knee-jerk, simplistic nationalism.

There is a third factor — political fanaticism — exemplified by New Hampshire governor Chris Sununu, who told George Stephanopoulos this week that he would support Trump even if he were convicted of felonies. When asked why, he said it was because he favored a Republican government.

Stephanopoulos pressed: “Just to sum up, you would support him for president even if he is convicted in classified documents. You would support him for president even though you believe he contributed to an insurrection. You would support him for president even though you believe he’s lying about the last election. You would support him for president even if he’s convicted in the Manhattan case. I just want to say, the answer to that is yes, correct?”

Sununu replied, “Yeah, me and 51 percent of America.”

He was saying, in effect, that politics is about politics, and not about ethics or morals.

Q: Hi Gene, I'm a very satisfied subscriber with a technical issue.  The Gene Pool email no longer includes an option to open the chat in the browser, so I can't update chats.  Is it my computer, or has something changed?

A: It’s not just you.  See right below.

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Go back to the top of this post and click on “View in browser” to see the full column live and online, and to read and make comments.  NOTE: Some readers are no longer seeing the "view in browser" link; if it’s not there, you can use the Substack app or simply go to geneweingarten.substack.com and click on today's post. If you are reading the Gene Pool in real time, keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as Gene regularly updates the post.

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Q: What would you do if you were interviewed to be a juror in Trump’s New York election interference trial?  For the sake of argument, let’s assume that you don’t have a voluminous public record of anti-Trump statements. Would you tell the prosecutors that you could be fair?  I would. I’d be lying. I’d vote to convict Trump even in the unlikely event that the prosecution failed to provide evidence of his guilt. But I would swear up and down that I would be completely impartial to get on the jury in order to nail the bastard.  One fear I have in this trial is that some MAGA idiot is going to lie his or her way on to the jury and then cause a hung jury and a mistrial. This is too important to worry about fighting fair.  – Sean Clinchy

A: I disagree with your basic premise, Sean. 

First, I could never be chosen as a juror because of all the hilariously savage things I’ve said about Trump over the years: I’d be instantly killed off in a peremptory challenge from the defense.  But if I ever somehow got into the voir dire stage, and I was asked if I could be impartial, I would say yes, and I would be telling the truth.   The thing that separates most of us from Trump and his MAGA crowd is that we believe ardently in the rule of law.  I believe it supersedes any other principle on which this country was founded.   If I sat for the trial and concluded the state had not proven its case, I would acquit him.  With regret, maybe, but without hesitation.

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Q: Police in Bavaria have dropped their pants in protest of long wait times for out-of-stock uniforms  

A: Thank you.  The video is excellent. 

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Q: “Jokes gone wrong” is a funny topic.  I will assume we're all familiar with the old joke:

   ---'"God revealed himself to me!"

            "And Boy, is he hung."  

Well, once upon a time, when my husband (Chris) was in his late 20's, he told this joke to a co-worker (Mark), who seemed to find it hilarious.

Later in the day Mark saw Chris chit-chatting with a small group of their senior colleagues, almost all of whom were older, at least a little religious, and just generally straitlaced.

Mark walks up, and says, laughing already as he starts speaking, "Did Chris tell you guys that joke he told me? --- He saw Jesus naked, and he's got a huge dick!" --and laughs and laughs.

Chris tells me the whole group stood there dumbfounded looking from one to the other of them, caught between shocked and confused, as he spluttered "revealed himself! I said God revealed himself!" But there was no putting that ship back on course.

   Picturing all those guys looking aghast at my husband and wondering what kind of depraved, sacrilegious kook was in their midst never fails to make me laugh.

But we've always pondered what the hell Mark thought was so funny if he didn't get the wordplay.

A:   Gina Barreca relates this joke often: 

Someone asks a roomful of people:  “What is even better than roses on a piano?  …  Tulips on an organ!”

One woman finds this hilarious and retells the joke to a friend:  “What is even better than roses on a piano?   Oral sex!”

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Q: On pranks: Many years ago I worked for a big corporation, and we managers would go to various colleges/universities to interview graduating seniors. A Human Resources manager (let's call him Mr. HR) had to bow out of a planned set of interviews at the last minute, and he asked a friend technical manager (let's call him Mr. Tech) to use his plane tickets / hotel reservations, etc. and conduct the interviews in his stead. Mr. Tech was annoyed, but complied.  Come Monday morning, both managers met in the office, gratitude was offered, and accepted.  Monday afternoon, Mr. HR received a phone call in the office, and a female voice expressed thanks for a wild, sexy weekend of fun. Mr. HR now believes that his "friend" used his identity for non-work-related activities, and as the conversation goes on the lady is getting upset and threatening to call Mr. HR's wife (she knows her name!) and hangs up. After what seems like an eternity, Mr. Tech stops by the office, very amused, and admits the caller was Mr. Tech's wife just having some fun. As far as I know, Mr. HR has still, many years later, not seen the humor in this escapade.

A: Superior.  When I was at the Miami Herald, there was this writer who was very fastidious.   Obnoxiously so.   And someone – I don’t know who, but not me – kept leaving panties in his top drawer.  He was deeply upset, wondering what the hell was going on at his desk in the after hours.  

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Q:  Speaking of Trump, this is fabulous. 

A: It is.  And holy, cow… there is a delicious followup. 

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Q: Okay, you need to tell us the story behind this  Barney & Clyde. I’m guessing she must have rejected a strip?  Sean Clinchy

A: Nope.  Just a little meta dig.  Amy’s a very good editor, and not at all overbearing or stifling,  except when she has a responsibility to save us from ourselves.

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Q: One of the questions we Jews asked after the horrors of the Holocaust was how otherwise normal people in Germany could have supported Hitler. I heard at least one person opine that the Germans were evil people. That makes no sense to me, because I believe that, while cultures can encourage evil, people around the world are essentially the same.

So why follow Hitler? I think the answer leads us towards knowing why people follow Trump, although Trump is not yet as bad as Hitler. (I think he could be if he gets back into power). Here are some possibilities: Trump tells people they should be winners because they are smarter, better looking, more personable (you get the picture) than those “other” people. So why are they more successful? Because they STOLE their success from you. All you have to do is get rid of them, and not have to go back to school to learn a new trade, or move to where jobs are plentiful, or do anything to improve your lot — you can’t anyway, because those other people receive all the opportunities.

Another possibility is that people are carried away by waves. We can use this phenomenon for good purposes, such as by the President’s adopting a belief that all people are created equal. It’s also possible to use it for evil, such as by spreading racism and selfishness. Those unfortunates who crossed the border seeking safety and a better life? They’re just dark-skinned brutes who want to steal white women and white people’s jobs.

Another reason is that the frog gets used to the heating water. Remember Lyndon LaRouche, who ran for the Democratic nomination and said idiotic things such as that VP Rockefeller was a Communist? LaRouche eventually went to prison for fraud. If you read his words and Trump’s, I don’t think you can guess whose are whose. The difference was that people saw LaRouche for what he was. However, Trump was a celebrity — a “successful” businessman who could do for us what he did for himself. And as he started saying and doing crazier and more evil things, people didn’t notice because everything was moving in small increments.

I do believe that there are enough sane people left for a counter-movement to prevail. However, the Constitution’s electoral provisions terrify me. We have to win the popular vote, but we have to protect ourselves somehow from Trump’s visions of how to steal an election. 

God Bless America!  –Audrey Liebross, Palm Desert, California

A: This was the best Hitler-themed post.  It’s here to represent all the others.

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Q: I would love to know your thoughts on this:  

A:  My answer may surprise you.  I think a news organization – or any company, really – has a right to expect that its employees do not savage it publicly.   This is not “censorship.”  It is a reasonable business expectation.

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Q: "I got in trouble as a manager because I couldn’t get someone to stop showing up to work early. HR was worried we would get in trouble with Wage and Hour. Which is fine. Except it was at a newspaper. "

A: In my first job, in Albany, where I lived alone – my girlfriend was back in New York, still – so with nothing else to do, and great ambition, I worked tirelessly.  I got visited by the union shop steward at my home.  He said, “you have been doing a great job.  This has to stop.”   I wound up working furtively from home, like a criminal. 

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Q; People I know who vote for Trump, wiocaHa, all seem to be of the "I've got mine, why should any of it be given to someone else.  Let them pull themselves up by their bootstraps like I did."  (If you think about it, pulling yourself up by the bootstraps is a physical impossibility unless you can violate the laws of gravity.)  While I'm sure there are some who fall in your other categories, underlying selfishness seems to be a common theme.

A: I think it’s one theme.  

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Q: In same election piece of yours that you referenced there was this: 

A series of psychological studies of undergraduates at Stanford University in the 1970s examined people’s willingness to change their minds. Brief summary: We aren’t. We stubbornly hold on to our convictions even in the face of overpowering evidence we are wrong. “Once formed,” wrote a Stanford researcher, “impressions are remarkably perseverant.” Later, psychologists suggested this is actually a Darwinian trait, that our impulse to be logical is no match for our societal need to work together with others, which militates against pure logic. We are more interested in joining like-minded people, forming an intellectual bond, than in being technically, rationally correct. So, what tribe do the Trump supporters want to belong to? -Greg Dunn

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A: A good question.   They want to belong to the pro-Trump tribe, I think,. So they can better 1) own the libs, and 2) express their contempt for government as they know it.  It may not be more complex than that.   

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Q: Bunnifred here. You mentioned the ballplayer Johnny Dickshot.”  According to Johnny Dickshot's Wikipedia page, he himself and others referred to him as "The Ugliest Man in Baseball." I think he was kind of cute! 

A: Boy, I dunno.   He looks a bit chimpy, no?

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Q: The mention of actuaries brings to mind the following joke, told to me years ago by an actual actuary.

How can you tell an introverted actuary from an extroverted one?   The extroverted actuary looks at YOUR shoes while he's talking to you.

A: Very nice. 

Q: I would encourage the guy who's allergic to shellfish to try scallops.  I have the opposite situation; I can eat any shellfish, raw or cooked, except scallops, so he might be OK.

A: Interesting.

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Q: About the hidden history of reading on the toilet, it goes back at least as far as the description of Leopold Bloom (he who “ate with relish the inner organs of beasts and fowls”) relieving himself on the morning of June 16, 1904. The relevant passage begins, “he folded out his paper turning its pages over on his bared knees,” and ends with, “He tore away half the prize story sharply and wiped himself with it.” I recall, when I was very young, hearing adults talking in jocular tones about the Sears catalogue having been put to the same use.  – Jim Schaefer

A:  Yep, the Sears catalog used to hang next to the potty in outhouses.   It would slowly diminish in size.  

Speaking of potties, Rachel and I saw “Macbeth” with Ralph Fiennes last week.  Extraordinary.  Tickets were wildly expensive – they were a generous Christmas gift from Rachel’s daddy.   So everyone there was well-heeled and well-aged.  John Lithgow was among us in the audience.   But the play was presented in a converted old warehouse, and the only toilets were porta-potties.  They were nice porta-potties, but still.

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Q:  Never have I ever… … bought a lottery ticket (though I did chuck a few dollars into an office pool once for camaraderie’s sake, knowing we wouldn’t win) … visited a strip club, or even a Hooter’s (I’m a straight male) … needed prescription glasses … watched an episode of Kardashian anything … drunken the blood of my enemy from their emptied skull … fired, or even held, a gun

A: I fired a machine gun.  Once.

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Q: I love the old clocks, they are so gorgeous! I had a fake/new Regulator clock only because the old ones I'd find out in the Virginia antique stores were so expensive. It worked wonderfully, traveled with me all over, and I donated it finally to the next lucky person when my partner couldn't stand the clicking, ticking sounds. The older ones just sound so much more decisive, strong, and sure, you are tempting me to go looking for an original. I don't, however, have such a very cool story next to which I could hang it! –  Lynne Larkin 

A:  I fear your partner might be a Philistine.   My favorite expression about clocks is that they are the heartbeat of a house.

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Q: I’ve long wondered, when did humans first realize that pregnancy is caused by sex? - Jeff G

A: One of the first “dirty” jokes I heard as a kid was about a farmer in a rural area who kept coming to his doctor for his wife to give birth, year after year after year.    One year, after the sixth or seventh kid was whelped, the doctor said, “I guess I’ll see you next year, Elmer.”    And Elmer said, “Nope, you won’t.  We finally figgered out what was causing it.”

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Q: I’ve never heard of “cigarette loads”, but back when I was about ten or eleven, I got so fed up with the way my mom’s smoking stank up the house that I devised an exploding cigarette, just like the ”Blammo” cigars that I had seen in so many Warner Bros. cartoons. After carefully scraping the gunpowder off of a whole roll of “caps”, I balled it up in a very small piece of tissue paper, and inserted the payload into the tip of a cigarette (removing and replacing the tobacco from the tip to hide the substitution. Then I got cold feet, and decided I should test it first, so I fixed the cigarette on a stand, and lit it. It took a while to burn far enough to ignite the gunpowder, but when it went off, the flash was about three feet long. Ooops. So much for that idea. At least I learned that the comic “afterwards” pictures in those cartoons were much more realistic than I had assumed.

A: You were going to do this to your MOTHER?

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Q: This is not a question but a recollection of Fritz Peterson, who was a really nice guy.  When I was an undergraduate at Northern Illinois University in the late 1960s, billiards and golf was an elective physical education class. So that was my choice for one semester And Fritz Peterson taught the class.  He was then completing a graduate degree in PE.  He was a good player and an excellent instructor with a wry sense of humor.  I am sorry to read that he has passed.

A: So he was doing this while still pitching?  Wow.  Yeah, he was smart and funny. And, ironically, he was a screwball who had a good screwball. You don’t see many of those anymore. Thrown by a lefty, it tailed away from righty hitters.

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Q: On a small shelf in our back room sits a piece of coprolite (fossilized dinosaur dung) given to us by some dear friends. The label says it’s from the Jurassic Period. This makes it between 145 and 201 million years of age. It's the oldest piece of crap in our house.

A: I see what you did there.  It’s also probably the winner of the oldest thing challenge.   

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Q: You once said on your chat that jokes are improved on the Internet because they go through a Darwinian evolution as they are forwarded and end up perfected.  How does this apply to your Fiddler in the Subway story, which was ruined through its forwarding on the Internet?

A: Well, see, it wasn’t really FORWARDED on the Internet.   It was idiotically and inaccurately summarized on the Internet.   The Internet took an 8,000 word story and reduced it to two hundred piece of crap words that tried to invent childish morals and idiot philosophical points and got all the facts wrong. 

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Q: I think Alexa has been mated with ChatGPT since she is just making shit up too now. Among the things I “learned” about you from her - you pronounce your last name starting with a V (this could be chalked up to text to speech), your mother is the Australian actress Amanda, who was active on British TV in the 60s and 70s, you do not have a favorite food but find truffle risotto delicious, you are not in a relationship, your dad’s name is William J., and Gene Weingarten Appreciation Day is observed every year on February 15.

Alexa claims the mascots of the Style Invitational are named Miraitowa and Someity. Is this accurate or is she making shit up?

A: I tried her on this subject, and she said the mascots were Lance Corporal Pegasus 4 and Falkland Eye.   Also that the Style Invitational is a graffiti festival in Puerto Rico…

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This is Gene. I am calling us down. Please keep sending in questions and observations. I need ‘em.