The Invitational, Week 52: Replaying Around -- The 2023 retrospective, Part II

Enter or reenter our Week 26-50. Plus we tell you what happened next year.

What will be the saucy title of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce breakup song? See this week’s Invitational results below.

Hello. Today, as on all Thursdays, even in the sleepy week between Christmas and New Year’s, we deliver The Invitational. But, as they say in Brooklyn: Foist, we foist this on you.

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The New Contest

… which is a continuation of last week’s contest, which we split in two parts onaconna we tend to get milliards and milliards and milliards of good entries from people who feel aggrieved at not getting ink the first time. Please note that “milliards” is not a neologism, but an antiquated British term meaning “billions,” which was made famous by the poet and polymath Piet Hein, in this existential ditty:

Nature, it seems, is the popular name
For milliards and milliards and milliards
Of particles playing their infinite game
Of billiards and billiards and billiards.

For Invitational Week 52:  Enter any or all of our 2023 Invitational contests from Week 26 through Week 50. You can enter a contest you missed, or reenter a contest with a better idea this time, or even a second shot with an entry that, dagnabit, deserved ink: Sometimes we do have too much good stuff in a given week, and so this ploy has borne fruit occasionally in our end-of-year retrospectives. (Click on the contest from two weeks later to see the results.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just these thumbnails, but your entry must be sent to bit.ly/inv-form-52, NOT THE FORMS FROM THOSE WEEKS! Feel free to send in different contests on a single form. Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions.

Week 26: Compare or otherwise link any two items on the random list provided.
Week 27:  How certain businesses might pander to Trump’s faithful supporters. 
Week 28:  Write a short poem, or tell a riddle-style joke, featuring a word from this year’s National Spelling Bee.
Week 29: Write a funny sentence that includes all 26 letters. 
Week 30: Come up with a stupid online poll for a general-interest news site.
Week 31:  Make up a new word by scrambling one of the seven-letter “racks” from that week’s ScrabbleGrams word game.
Week 32: Write a limerick prominently featuring a word or name beginning with “ho-.”  
Week 33:  Ask Backwards: We give the “answers”; you tell us the questions.
Week 34:  Compare two people who share a birthday.  
Week 35:  Write a Muldoon,  a four-line poem that features at least two body parts and a place name, and at least one rhyme.
Week 36:   Offer either a reason to feel compassion for Trump-worshipers or a reason to respect and admire them.
Week 37:  Backronyms: Snarkily describe someone or something as an acrostic, i.e., by spelling out its name with the first letters of the words of your description. 
Week 38: Chiasmus: Write an original witticism containing a sentence or phrase followed by its inversion, including spoonerisms.
Week 39:  Dylan “tailgaters”: Choose a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then pair it with your own rhyming line. 
Week 40:  Song lyrics about the news.  (Videos also welcome.)
Week 41: “Discover” and define new words by snaking through a word-find grid. Week 42:  “Am I the asshole?” situations.
Week 43:  “Life lessons” to be learned from any particular milieu, such as the movies, working at the White House, etc.
Week 44:  Monorhymes, poems whose lines all rhyme with one another.
Week 45:  New items and descriptions for a mail order catalog such as Hammacher Schlemmer.
Week 46:  Set off a word-within-a-word in “air quotes” to give a new context to the word, as in “fun”eral.
Week 47:  Compare two people who share some element of their names. 
Week 48:  Humorously rewrite a bad-news sentence or headline to give it positive spin.  
Week 49:  Caption any of seven pictures we offer. (Results here.) 
Week 50: In present tense, say what “happened” sometime in 2024 (see today’s results). 

Click here for this week’s entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-52. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Check this list for a few special directions for specific contests, plus some other secret messages.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 6, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 11.

The winner gets the 2024 version of the sublime Dull Men’s Club Calendar, which each month celebrates someone with a “unique and quirky passion.” Such as Mr. July, “Dustbin Dave” of Norfolk, England, a trash can aficionado. The calendar also marks such notable occasions as International Clothesline Week, and the Rhubarb Festival of Intercourse, Pa. Donated by the anything-but-dull (or -man) Loser Melissa Balmain.

Ms. February Angela Clark in the Dull Men’s Club calendar, with some of the 10,000 plastic bags in her collection. Oooh.

Wack to the Future: Our news from 2024

In Week 50, as we do at the end of every year, we asked you to help build a timeline of things that happen next year. Curiously, almost none of the entries dared tell what happens on Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2024, except for a couple that had Trump declaring victory from his prison cell.

Third runner-up: April 15: On the 112th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, the last known iceberg melts into the North Atlantic. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Second runner-up:  Texas begins erecting a wall to keep women from escaping. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up: Biden’s poll numbers drop further after he turns water into wine, but fails to create bourbon, mead, and non-alcoholic prosecco. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

And the winner of the 2023 pooping-dog ornament:
The NFL announces that next year’s Super Bowl will be the halftime entertainment at a Taylor Swift concert. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Oraculls: Honorable mentions

January

Jan. 1: As Disney’s copyright expires on the earliest Mickey Mouse images, Mickey immediately stars in anime porn, and Trojan releases a Steamboat Willie line of condoms. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)   

The Supreme Court rules that Trump must be reinstated to the Colorado ballot.   In a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas writes that he must also be awarded 11,700 extra votes in the general election. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 

Rudy Giuliani appeals all his convictions to Supreme Court Total Landscaping. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

February

Feb. 11: Moments after the 49ers beat the Chiefs in Super Bowl LVIII, Taylor Swift dumps Travis Kelce for Brock Purdy.  Soon afterward she releases yet another breakup song, “You’ve Scored Your Last Time in My End Zone.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines;  Mark Raffman)   

Feb. 14: Lent begins this year on Valentine’s Day.  Millions of those who usually give up chocolate opt instead to give up kale. (Jeff Contompasis)

Elon Musk professes not to understand the furor that erupts after he adopts a swastika logo, explaining, “It’s clearly just an X with a semi-serif font.” (Frank Osen)

Continuing to insist on his innocence, Trump holds a classified-document sale to raise money for his legal bills. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

March

In a rare show of compromise, Congress passes a law for national year-round standard time by setting clocks back 37 minutes, except in Texas, where clocks will be set back 67 years. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signs an executive order pledging $3.5 billion over four years to find a cure for diversity. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Archaeologists discover an ancient drawing of what appears to be a caveman saving money on insurance. (Jesse Frankovich)

April

April 8: North America experiences a total solar eclipse. Trump rants that it’s a Democratic plot to make him go blind. (Pam Shermeyer)

April 8:  Tucker Carlson urges eclipse deniers to demand that President Biden resign for using millions of drones to block out the sun. (Rob Cohen)

April 27: Sen. John Fetterman attends the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner in a single-breasted wool Louis Vuitton tuxedo jacket, black tie, and cargo shorts. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

April 30: On the anniversary of his death, Adolf Hitler’s estate sues Donald Trump for quoting lines from der Führer’s speeches without attribution. (Jonathan Jensen)

May

Flagging ticket sales lead the NFL to announce that at least one player from each of the 32 teams will be required to date Taylor Swift. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The U.S. Border Patrol naively waves in a huge wooden burro. (Jesse Frankovich)

After learning he inadvertently shook an undocumented immigrant’s hand, Donald Trump gets tested for blood poisoning. (Chris Doyle)

June

After trying mightily to control his lustful urges, House Speaker Mike Johnson gives a sobbing Swaggart-style “I have sinned” speech, announcing that he once ogled Kim Kardashian’s ankles. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Elon Musk adds Tesla’s Autopilot system to X. Users can now sit back and post venom without speaking or touching their keyboards. (Gary Crockett)

June 30: In the wildest round of conference expansion to date, the eighteen-team Big Ten adds Notre Dame, Australia, and Uranus. (Jesse Frankovich)

Vice President Harris takes a Dale Carnegie course, but the company gives up and offers her a full refund. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio; Chris Doyle)

July

With the GOP nomination locked up, Trump doubles down on his Christian authoritarian theme with the campaign slogan “My Kingdom Come, My Will Be Done.” (Kevin Dopart)

Biden’s approval rating falls below the inflation rate. (Jesse Frankovich)

Using DNA samples, scientists try but fail to bring back from extinction a specimen of a moderate Republican. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

July 18: In accepting the Republican nomination, Donald Trump pledges to build a wall on the southern border. Later that night, Justin Trudeau makes the same pledge.  (Steve Smith)

Trump announces that his running mate will be … himself: “Next time my VP will do as I say because he’ll be me.” (Leif Picoult)

July 24: Rep. Lauren Boebert wins the cow-milking contest at the Garfield County Fair. (Steve Smith)

Bangor, Maine, officially changes its name to Romance-Her-Gently, Maine. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

As more members of Gen X switch to edibles, a common expression heard at parties is “Don’t Cookie Monster those gummies.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

August

Aug. 1: Having trained under the House Budget Committee, Team USA wins the Olympic gold medal in can-kicking. (Jesse Frankovich)  

Aug. 5: Jeff Bezos marks his anniversary of buying The Washington Post by signing on Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg as co-owners, freeing the newspaper from financial constraints forevermore. The next week, 80 percent of the staff is laid off. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Republicans expose video of Hunter Biden with eleven items in the 10 Items or Less line. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

September

Regulators are concerned when Tesla’s self-driving car begins drag-racing and playing chicken with other self-driving models. (Duncan Stevens)

Sept. 14: Paul Simon, age 83, hosts the premiere of “Saturday Night Live’s” 50th season, featuring the surviving members of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players, with 91-year-old Willie Nelson as the musical guest. Baby boomers everywhere applaud and yell, “What’d he say?” (Jon Ketzner)

Spotting a driverless car moving erratically, a state trooper pulls it over and gives it a sobriety test. (Jonathan Jensen)

During Travis and Taylor’s wedding, Kanye grabs the mic from the officiant and says, “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you. I’m-a let you finish. But Beyoncé had one of the best weddings of all time!” (Leif Picoult)

A senator is caught introducing bills written by ChatGPT when one of them includes a grant to the NEA to be distributed among Art Garfunkel, Art Monk, and the estate of Art Linkletter. (Sam Mertens)

Elon Musk tries to be more relatable to British advertisers by telling them to “bugger off.” (Jeff Hazle)

October

A reunion episode of “Friends” is aired with an AI-generated Matthew Perry, but viewers are put off by his seventeen fingers. (Sam Mertens)

House Speaker Mike Johnson legally changes his name to Mike Procreation Stick. (Leif Picoult)

Elon Musk buys the struggling New England Patriots for $44 billion and promptly renames them the Oath Keepers. (Steve Smith)

Right-wing billionaires complain to Fox News about how inflation is so out of control, they can barely afford to buy Supreme Court justices anymore. (Duncan Stevens)

At a torch-lit rally, Donald Trump vows to establish a Thousand-Year Day One. (Frank Osen) 

November

When it becomes clear Trump will not be elected, Stephen Miller hops a submarine to South America and disappears into Paraguay. (Frank Osen)

Gov. DeSantis announces plan to combat antisemitism on Florida college campuses by converting all the Jews to Christianity. (Mark Raffman)

House Speaker Mike Johnson is voted out by Republicans who deem him insufficiently conservative. They schedule an AR-15 shooting competition to choose his replacement. (Jonathan Jensen)

December

Merriam-Webster announces that its 2024 Word of the Year is “shitshow.” (Mark Raffman)

And Last: Taylor Swift wins the Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Golden Globe, Pulitzer, Nobel, Pritzker, Medal of Freedom and NFL MVP, but fails to ink in The Invitational’s limerick contest. (Rob Cohen)

And Even Laster: May 8:  The Gene Pool is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Pubic Service. (Gary Crockett)

The headline “Wack to the Future” is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 30: Our Week 51 contest to enter any of 24 contests from the first half of the year. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 51: Look Back in Inker — our 2023 retrospective, Part I

Please send in questions / observations that Gene will respond to in real time. Send ’em here:

You can subscribe here. It costs either nothing or four bucks a month, depending on the size of your heart. (If you have an enlarged heart, though, we suggest you get medical attention.)

And finally, a different sort of plea: Pat and I have noticed that the Comments section tends to be robust and spirited, but we expect to see more gripes and comments about the Invitational results, and seldom do. Have it out. Air your grievances. Tell us what we overvalued and undervalued. What should have won, but didn’t. Do it.

Here comes the real-time segment. If you are reading this in real time, please keep refreshing your screen so you can see your observations and Gene’s responses. The subjects today range from the ridiculous to the absurd: Sex, lame excuses, and a potpourri of gripes and groans.

Q:  My wife is a Yogi Berra.  My collection of her expressions includes, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him swim," that's "water over the bridge," and "I'm not going to look a gift horse in the face."

*

A: Your wife is good, but she is merely a promising amateur compared to Betty Blooper. 

Betty Blooper was the nickname writer John Sherwood gave his wife, when he wrote about her for me in 1985 in Tropic magazine.  I just found the story online.   It was magnificent, and clearly true, not just because Sherwood was a good, honest journalist, but because Betty was alive and reading it, and it had better have been true, for John’s sake.  Here is a compendium of her Mrs. Malapropisms: 

"I'm putting my head to the nose grind."

"Give me a whole-wheat on rye."

"Let's bite the bull by the horns."

"I wouldn't touch that with a hot potato."

To her, the movie was titled "Color Me Purple."

"If I don't have my eyebrows dyed, they'll turn white as pie."

Told that one of the bathrooms was out of toilet paper, she said: "There's a roll in my bathroom that hasn't been used yet."

When asked “If I die, what will you do with our house?"

John replied: "If you died, I would sell the house, buy a sailboat and move aboard."

Response from Betty: “Over my dead body," she said.

 “I can't stand someone breathing down my throat.”

“I only have two pairs of hands.”

“I'm barely keeping my feet above water.”

“You look like a dog with his head between his tail.”

“I liked it better the way it wasn't.”

“Here. Have a little hair that bit the dog.”

“You're only listening out of the corner of your eye.”

“He went over it with an eyetooth comb.”

“That's the way the cookie bounces.”

“If I had his money I'd be living on Gravy Street.”

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John died seven years ago. Betty predeceased him by 16 years, but it was long past the appearance of the story, so Tropic was blameless.

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TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this right now, on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “The Invitational, Week 52…”) for the full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Q: This is a link to Dave Barry’s recently published guide to 2013 holiday gifts.  You’re in it, picture and all. I’m writing to ask you to call/email/fax/telegraph him to find out when his review of 2023 will be published.  It’s usually out by now and I need a laugh. 

— Al Lubran, Rockville, MD

A: I assume The Post won’t be publishing it because the Post assassinated its magazine, where the year in review always ran. (It’s already in the Herald, but I think that’s behind a paywall.

As to the gift guide, it is superb and of course I am in it.  Dave needed to find someone who would eat anything, including a tarantula. 

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Q: The Joe Rogan interview  was ...... interesting. I guess.  In the sense that watching Howard Cosell discuss opera would be interesting.  But even more interesting; who is the dude he's talking to (forgive my ignorance of right-wing media personalities), and - MOST interesting - how did he get the black eye?  

Here it is, again.   

A:  I can answer both questions in one sentence!  He’s some right-wing Mixed Martial Arts schnook.    (That’s why he talked about not being permitted to fight, if he had babbled out to physicians what Biden — er, Trump — had said.)

Q:  My husband has the same name, but opposite political views, as a local politician. I got so annoyed and frustrated driving past the guy's signs because I keep thinking of all the people I only know casually who will now think I am married to a Trumper.  Also, my husband got a call from a local reporter asking for comments on his opposition's policies. He insisted on being an adult about it and revealed he isn't the politician, despite my entreaties to tell her "Well, the other guy's policies might benefit the community overall, but they would leave our community's sheepf*krs without due representation."

A:  Good.  I might be a bit more subtle:  “He’s actually better than I am but he won’t win because this is a district of right-wing nitwits.  I’m a safe bet.”  Then hang up, and don’t answer the phone when it starts ringing off the hook.  (Phones no longer have “hooks,” but you know what I mean.)

Q: You need an "I don't know" option for the IRS-audit question in the here and here's how I know. More than once, I have made a mistake in filling out my form. They have sent me letters to this effect, usually asking me for a bit more money, but IIRC returning money to me at least once. The numbers have never been huge either way. I don't know if this qualifies as a random audit because I don't know if this is random (or they do it to everybody) and I don't know if it counts as an audit by their standards. So there.

A: It’s not an “audit.” Anyone who’s gone through an audit can tell you that.  It happens, usually, when your records don’t jibe with another taxpayer or a government entity or a company has reported.  I got one just last year because I had neglected to include one-quarters worth of income from Social Security.  My bad, and my subsequent pain. 

Q: Hi, Geno!  As fascinating as your conversation with the other guy was (ahem), I would have really enjoyed you meeting up with your twin -- no, not your birth sibling, but the guy who looks exactly like you, but no relation to you.  They say everyone has a twin, I think it would be fun to meet mine, and for you to meet  yours.  Cheers

A: Good idea!  But how do I find this person? Does anyone out there have any nominee, public or private? It would have to be almost a double, or it won’t work. AND HE WOULD HAVE BE BE STUPID ENOUGH TO ALSO WEAR A MUSTACHE.

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Q: I used to have a job where it was very important to meet new people. Went to all manner of gatherings to do so for several years. And I quickly discovered how utterly exhausting it was. Like so draining I’d sleep like a dead person after each one. But I had to keep doing it. You know, joblessness wasn’t feasible in my 20s. 

I was really surprised by this, TBH, as I didn’t think I was an introvert. I wanted to meet people, especially interesting or helpfully-connected people such as the personal aide to Vladimir Putin. (High goal never reached, unfortunately.) My brain just did a rather overdrive thing that I now recognize as anxiety/panic. Being “on” was absolutely time-limited. So I’d ask a friend to call me at a certain time, I’d pretend it was a pressing need at the office, apologize, and run for the door. This was before cell phones, so it was a bigger ask than you might think of today.  It did make the impression of great importance, however, so it wasn’t all for naught. 

Also alcohol helps. — Lynne Larkin

A: In the few days before Dan was born, wife and I kept track of the maternal grandparents’ comings and goings in case in case we needed to call them suddenly to come and babysit Molly.    John Reidy was a WW II Navy combat veteran and retired municipal electrician, who lived in a nice retirement community.  He was a smart and accomplished man, but he felt a little overmatched against his neighbors, most of whom were doctors and lawyers.  When the baby moment came, the in-laws were out to dinner, but (waaay before cellphones) we had the number of the restaurant.  So I called, and summoned John to the maitre ‘d, who called out for them with the name I’d told him:  “Admiral Reidy.”   Admiral Reidy strutted to the phone, in front of all those doctors and lawyers, who snuck glances. 

Q: Although there are maybe a couple of thousand people in the USA with the same first and last name as mine, there is only one other person with the same first, middle, and last name.  And he’s a registered sex offender. Doesn’t make me feel lonely or even a little diminished.

A: Excellent! Have there been … problems? 

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This is Gene. I am not stunned by today’s poll results, so far, but I am mystified. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that. My answer would have been “within 3 seconds, I am from New York, but I understand how some people would want to wait a second or two more. But who the heck waits six to eight seconds or more? AND who on Earth never honks????? This person is asleep at the wheel! He may come to without assistance eventually, in time for you to race through the light, but what about the poor schmoes behind you? Do it for them! There is nothing wrong with a honk. It’s not like you are rear-ending him in frustration. Why all the weenies out there?

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Q: I think I have a feeling about your previous situation. You were wronged. Previous to that, I enjoyed Padma Lakshmi, whose credentials, including her boobs and face, didn’t really include food…in her job on a food network.  Get really angry at the injustice and injustices in general. Reach bottom. And then let it go, and seek your next gig, hopefully continually here. I’m not noting anything in you, just sharing my process.

A: Leaving the issue of misogyny aside, I do not agree with you about Ms. Lakshmi.  I think she did nothing wrong, and I bear her no ill will.   She had every right to cut on me.   It was almost her duty, as a spokesperson for, and defender of, India and the Indian experience in the United States.  And she did it funny: Her initial reaction, in a tweet, was “On behalf of 1.3 billion people, fuck off.”  

When she wrote I should be fired and replaced with a person of color, it was her right to opine that.  What we writers do is write, and sometimes our positions require us to take stances a leetle more extreme than we actually feel.  I am sure that at times I have steadfastly and indignantly defended free speech in an instance where I found the speech that I was defending to be crappy journalism.

Q:  Regarding Holy Cross Abbey, the one that makes actually good fruitcake.  I bought one a year there for years.  The difference between that fruitcake and most commercial fruitcakes as food is like the difference between a pogo stick and a Mercedes as means of transportation. 

A:  Ah.  Well put. Well the difference between an ordinary feature story and a feature story written with strong voice and rich texture is illustrated by this one.   As Rachel reminded me after Tuesday’s chat was published, she wrote this piece about Father Mark Delery several years ago, when she slept over there for a week of silent retreat.  Her story is a clinic in how to do this without being cloying or self-righteous. Footnote:  Father Mark died two months after the story was published in The Post magazine. 

Q: One of the preceding posts reminded me that I share a name with a former high-level Republican State Department political appointee. As such, I once received a voicemail at home from a reporter asking for a quote about John Bolton. I could have had a _lot_ of fun with this! But being a responsible fellow, I asked someone I knew at State to tell the reporter that he called the wrong guy. (Washington can be such a small town that way.) The quote the reporter obtained was "John Bolton is a kiss-up, kick-down kind of guy". I couldn't have done better than that.

A: Wow. Now that is an excellent Washington story. Was the quote from the guy who shares your name? If so, you should tell people it was yours. Also a Washington-only thing.

Q: Excuses: I was excused from federal jury duty for an oddly specific reason.  The case involved a medical laboratory that received blood samples from a number of police departments for analysis including blood alcohol level.  The plaintiff was accusing the lab of mishandling samples leading to a false positive, a drunk driving conviction, and, as a consequence, loss of employment.  

The judge in the case was Gerald Bruce Lee, a tough-as-nails jurist who had sent federal marshals to the home of another in my pool who had failed to show up for service, and verbally abused one of his clerks when she called to ask why. 

The judge asked if anyone needed to be excused from jury service for hardship.  The lawyer in our pool went forward and stated he was a one-man business with cases pending in the same federal court which would suffer if he were impaneled.  Judge Lee told to sit back down and remain in the pool.

Then, the judge asked if anyone might be prejudiced either for or against the medical lab especially if they had relatives in medicine.  I raised my hand and was called to a sidebar.  Judge Lee stared down at me and asked, "What's your story?"

I replied, "I used to work as a tech in my father's medical office and saw the hospital's lab mix up results from patients .  My father was a doctor, cardiologist.  My mother was a nurse.  My father's second wife is a nurse.  My brother is a doctor, pediatrician.  One of my sisters is a nurse and the other is an occupational therapist.  My sister-in-law is an occupational therapist."

"And what do you do now?" he asked.

"I'm an engineer."

He said, "So, you're the black sheep of your family."

"No, sir. I'm the one who got it right."

The judge burst out laughing and concluded, "You are excused from service."

I returned to the jury pool to wait for one of the court officers to escort me out where the lawyer remarked, "That was impressive."  

The court officer took me aside and asked, "What did you say to him?"

I answered, "I just told him my story."

"No," he said, "I mean, what did you say to make him laugh? I've been working in his court for years and have never heard him laugh."

Judge Lee retired in 2017.  So far, I have yet to be recalled to federal jury service.

–

A: Judge Lee seems like an interesting guy.   Very, very self-confident, possibly to a flaw. .   In 2003, Lee dismissed the kidnapping and murder charges against Jay E. Lentz, a former naval intelligence officer accused of murdering his ex-wife in 1996 during a bitter child custody dispute, even though a jury had found him guilty.  According to Wiki, it was the first time a judge dismissed a jury verdict in a federal death penalty case. Also from Wiki: Earlier in the case, Lee advised a witness that if she cried he would stop her testimony, a move that is unusual in that it is rare for a judge to preview testimony in a death penalty hearing or restrict how witnesses can act or what they can say.

^{Lentz was tried again, in front of another judge, and convicted.}

Q: Unrelated to excuses, but very related to the armadillo incident, my summer job in college was dosimetry on biological specimens exposed to intense ionizing radiation. Since that sounded terribly nerdy and full of myself, I reduced it to more straightforward terms that I thought would make me seem approachable and fun when I met girls: I told them that I killed rats with a linear accelerator. Technically, I did not kill them, I just reported on how dead they would be if they had been given the time to die of their radiation exposure. I guess this is an excuse, after all, the excuse for why I didn't get much action while I was in college.

A: It is.  As all women reading this will attest to.

Q: I’ve been attracted to women for literally as long as I can remember. I remember crushing so hard on Erin Grey from Buck Rogers that I could barely watch the show, and that show premiered when I was 3. In first grade, we were doing a lesson on car safety and our teacher brought us out to her car one by one to show us how to put our seatbelt on properly and what to do in an emergency, and the experience of being briefly alone with a woman who wasn’t my mom was so erotically charged for me that I had my first sex dream that night (I didn’t know anything about the mechanics of sex, so the dream was just the two of us being naked in her car together, but it was intense enough that I still remember it).

A: One of the surprising results of this give-and-take on sexual awakening is how young it tends to arrive.   How did you know what a naked woman looked like, though?  Or were you spitballing?  You are obviously old enough to have predated the Internet. 

The very first thing I ever stole – later, there were a couple of regrettable shoplifting episodes in college –  was as a pre-teen, from a doctor’s office bathroom.  It was one of those crudely drawn sketches of where and how men and women were supposed to “wipe” prior to giving a urine specimen.  I was desperate for solid information!   It shames me to this day.

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Q:  Regarding the "blended family" that "overblended". More wholesome family entertainment companies like Disney always portrayed step mothers and step siblings (sisters especially) as evil and detestable. Adult sites have taken a "different approach" to step-relatives... It took adult sites to make me appreciate the wholesomeness of the evil stepmother/stepsister.

A: They aren’t “evil,” in porn though.  They are quite nice to their step-relatives. 

Q: I, too find it fascinating the fact that many people seemed to have shared my ridiculously early sexual awakening. I always thought I was unusual in that regard (masturbation at four or five years of age), but apparently not. We should explore the question of whether, or if, it ever dies out (hasn't yet, and I am fast approaching 78) and at what age THAT happens.

A: My brother, who is six years older than I am, assures me it stops when you die. 

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