Rushin' to Be Russian?
Hello. This is an important public service message for all arch conservatives, offering friendly and conciliatory advice from a dyed-in-the-wool lifetime liberal, someone they’ll likely never otherwise listen to or even hear from. So if you have arch conservative friends, coworkers, or relatives, please pass this along to save them from making a terrible mistake in their lives. I have only their best interests in mind.
There was a news story last week that didn’t get the publicity it deserved. It was reported byThe Moscow Times. It revealed, in screamingly large type, “RUSSIA TO BUILD ‘MIGRANT VILLAGE’ FOR CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN EXPATS.” Newsweek picked up the story.
Don’t take the bait, conservatives! Don’t go. Don’t leave us. It’s a scam, and I’ll tell you why.
The story actually scornfully alleges that The United States gullibly and wokely recognizes at least “70 genders,” which is a baldfaced lie. There are thirteen at the most, each of which, as we liberals know, are represented by solid, God-fearing, family-centric patriotic citizens.
The duly elected president of the United States, Joseph Biden, does not trust the Russians, and President Biden is obviously a man of enormous integrity and impeccable judgment.
Russia also seems to be making overtures to offer the disgraced American political commentator Tucker Carlson a TV job. Can you imagine having to endure more of his lies and vitriol daily?
Cultural diversity is practically nonexistent in Russia. In the United States, 14 percent of the population is Black, and 19 percent is Hispanic. In Russia, the combined figure of these two groups is 0.53 percent. Who. the heck would want to live in a country that’s so stupidly lily-white?
Russia is much closer than the United States is to Amsterdam, a licentious place where desperate men can legally obtain tawdry, anonymous acrobatic sex anytime they want for the tragically low airfare of $420, and the ladies’ fees are disturbingly affordable.
Arch conservatives, know if you must that visas can be applied for at The Consulate of Russia, 2641 Tunlaw Rd NW, Washington DC, but do not call them there at (202) 939-8907. It would be a big mistake. Russia is not a place anybody like us wants anyone like you to be. Please take our advice.
Speaking of world events, I am proud to report that Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky, TIME’s 2022 Person of the Year, is onboard with The Gene Pool. A fan. A compadre. We are allies and partners.
A couple of weeks ago I expressed the feeling, in these pages, that the Washington Post was making a journalistic and moral error by reporting the damaging contents of classified U.S intelligence documents stolen by a 21-year-old traitor, bigot and baby-faced jackass, mostly to impress his online jackass friends. It turns out Zelensky agrees! At a meeting with top Washington Post writers and editors, he apparently ambushed them by accusing the newspaper of sleazy, anti-democratic, nakedly pro-Russian tactics in publishing these thieved documents. You’ll find it here. Search for “classified.”
Also read the italic precede to the story. I find myself wondering what section of the now-intact transcript they had initially deleted.
IMPORTANT: Federal law requires me to now insert some boring but necessary boilerplate here. I’ll make it quick:
After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on – and then I will keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, refresh your screen every once in a while.
As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.
And now it is time for a Gene Pool Gene Poll. (Note: If you are reading this on a mobile device, the polls are more clearly displayed on a computer or tablet.)
There seems to be a consensus among pollsters that President Biden is chained to one of the lowest presidential approval ratings ever at this stage of a presidency.
Here’s a quote from a Ron DeSantis supporter in a New York Times story on the Florida governor, containing a deliciously poor word choice:
“He definitely indicated that if he gets in, he will work exceptionally hard — nothing will be below him,” said Bob Vander Plaats, an influential Iowa evangelical leader… whom Mr. DeSantis hosted recently for a meal at the governor’s mansion.
This is an extremely brilliant thing I just got from Twitter. And it eloquently summarizes my feelings about jigsaw puzzles.
And finally, we have this story about idiots who run a high school in L.A. I love it when schools do things so emphatically stupid they have no excuses to proffer, nowhere to run and hide. In this case, they are about to be defeated by a 17-year-old girl.
Now we begin your questions and answers. They are heavy with responses to a plea I made Sunday in a special short auxiliary Gene Pool that was titled “Buttock-Stab Gangs Target U.S. Cities”. Unrelated to that title, I asked for people’s pet peeves that were so petty that they were embarrassed by them. I italicize that last part here because so many of you ignored that part. You vomited out hundreds of peeves, but most didn’t see fit to apologize for any of them. Fortunately, I am here to do it for you, and I will, by explaining concisely — where warranted — why you should be embarrassed. Here we go.
Q: My pet peeve is neither uncommon nor particularly interesting. When a server in a restaurant asks if I’m “still working on that?” I become irritated. I’ll attempt something droll, like “it wasn’t work, it was an absolute pleasure, but it’s fine to remove the plate,” but I know it wasn’t very funny, even the first time. How might I respond better? How might we, as a society, stop this scourge?
A: Here: “Almost done. Been hauling the food up to my mouth with a winch, a pulley and a sturdy polypropylene cable but that was too cumbersome so now I’m going full Archimedes with this lever and fulcrum fashioned with a butter knife and a salt shaker. on its side Slow but steady labor. Return in ten minutes, my good man, for a more up-to-date status report on the project.”
Q: I get annoyed when people use a word that’s close to the correct word, but isn’t the right one. “What group am I with? Oh, it’s the Johnson contingency.” “The occasion has passed, so it’s a moot point.” There are situations where I wish people would keep their mouths shut, and that, to me, would be a mute point.
A: Your douchebag move is your second point, proving you are oversensitive even when wrong. “Moot” is used entirely correctly in that example. From the OED: ”Since the 19th century a moot point has been one that is at best academic and at worst irrelevant. The supreme court, no less, ruled that “a moot question” has “no bearing” on an issue. In this case – I am extrapolating, justifiably – “since the occasion has passed, any question as to how it should be conducted is a moot point.”
For those scratching their heads, the first example was using “contingency” instead of “contingent,” which is, indeed, illiterate.
TIMELY TIP: If you're reading this right now on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (In this case, “Rushin’ to be Russian…)) for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers. And you can refresh and see new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post from about noon to 1 ET.
Q: I was a stay at home dad for 18 years (the kid is 25 now.) In those days (the year started with a 19) I was still a rarity. When I joined, at their suggestion, a support group of stay at home parents, I was the only Y chromosome owner in the bunch. We would take turns meeting at each other's homes every week, and I soon realized that my house was by far the messiest.
Now, as a heterosexual male, it should come as no shock that I am a slob. What surprised me was how much I began to resent how clean everyone else's home was. I would walk around looking for dirt; at first in the odd corner, but eventually I was inspecting the tracks on the sliding doors and peeking behind the toilet in the upstairs bathroom. What kind of person, let alone a child-rearing adult, cleans behind the toilet in the upstairs bathroom? It made me furious!
A: And this made me laugh. Yeah, yours is a douchebag attitude
Q: Completely unrelated to your request, but prompted by the title, I have a new car. I know how much you disapprove. I don't care. One of its excellent features is the dashboard display of the song currently playing via Apple's CarPlay. Yesterday, it displayed Build Me Up Butt by the Foundations.
A: Superior.
Q: On the subject of Mastodon meat, I believe some scientists found a mastodon frozen intact in ice somewhere. I wonder if there is anyone alive today who could answer the question "I wonder how good mastodon meat tasted?"
A: Would you eat meat that had been in your freezer for a million years?
Q: Starting from the first Covid lockdown and to this day, more than three years later, it bugs the shit out of me, although not yet literally, when I put on a mask and it makes my glasses fog up.
Even knowing full well that this is an infinitesimal downside compared with the enormous upside of saving lives by doing what anyone with a brain would do in a situation that seems to bring out the worst in the brainless, I am still unreasonably bothered by this.
A: This might be a valuable PSA. Have you noticed that many masks have a bendable, shapable plastic insert near the nose? Squeeze the mask against the bridge of your nose. It helps with the fog.
Q: Have you seen this great Onion headline?
A: I had not. It is great.
Q: Not a question, just something that made me snort out loud. McCormick is offering free Old Bay tattoos. You, with this, is funny to me on multiple levels.
A: I would sooner get a tattoo with my Twitter icon on it, which is, as most of you know, a pile of poo.
Q: Your friends are all wrong! What that picture looks like is Weird Al in the fat suit for his parody of ""Bad". I'd add a link but don't know how from my phone. Because I'm old. And also nothing much to look at, if it's any comfort.
A: This is in reference to the item in Sunday’s surprise Gene Pool about my awful former Wikipedia photo. And you are absolutely right. Weird Al in his fat suit.
Q: Pet peeve!?!?!?! Why the &^$% is it called a "pet peeve"? I have pets: three cats. They are lovable weenies. I would never have a peeve for a pet. A peeve is NOT a pet. In contrast to a lovable dog or cat, a peeve is a damned squirrel who digs us the tomato seedlings I just planted. A peeve is a gang of damned squirrels who vandalize the bird feeder immediately after I've filled it. A peeve is something that is unwelcome, something that intrudes into my day to destroy my good mood. Anyone who has a peeve for a pet also has major psychological issues.
A: You are a grump and a pedant, but you did give me the opportunity to link to this spectacular thing.
Q; It makes me angry when people put plastic bottles in the trash and screw the plastic caps back on first. A capless empty plastic milk carton can easily be crushed so that it takes up very little space in the bin, bag, or can. The same empty carton with the cap sealed and filled with air takes up a cubic foot of space that could be used to squeeze other things in. Why the hell put the cap back on? To keep the air in their milky fresh? To make tidy people feel good about themselves? It’s a shortsighted waste of space.
A: You are clearly a person with a sense of proportion who keeps your priorities in order.
Q: My pet peeve involves 2 way stop intersections in my neighborhood. When 2 cars arrive at a 2 way stop, the one turning right (with traffic) has the right of way and the one turning left (against traffic) needs to wait their turn. But in my neighborhood, 9 times out of 10 when I am in this situation, the driver who has the right of way motions for me to go first. They are either trying to be polite or just a fraidy cat who doesn't want to turn until they know I have passed by, but either way, I don't want to do this!!! I just want to follow the rules of the road and go when I'm supposed to! I don't want to be in a standoff where the other person waves more and more aggressively at me as I fight an internal war about whether to go and get it over with or wait them out until they finally accept I will not go until they go! I hate this situation!!!
A: You, too, are in masterful control of your priorities. I particularly admire the three screamers at the end.
Q: Why do you always try to plug a USB in the wrong way on the first try?
A: For the same reason it rains every time after you wash the car, or why it seems to me that about half the time I consult a digital clock it says 10:02, which is my birthday. It’s because those times annoy or impress you, and you remember them whereas you don’t remember all the times those things don’t happen. Which reminds me of a poll we should have:
Q: The great Brooks Robinson played baseball as a righty – as all third-basemen must – but signed autographs with his left. You can see it in this Norman Rockwell portrait.
A: Wow. I don’t know if he was kidding or not, but he once told a reporter that he forced secondary left-handedness on himself so it would make it easier to get his glove in the perfect spot for a catch.
Q: Why do men’s button-down shirts have the cutaways on the sides? For years I have found them frustrating - the sides of the shirts frequently pop out of my pants.
A: Gonna be blunt here. I have been unable to trace anything like a “cutaway” on the sides of shirts. Cutaway seems to be a term used for collars. I found nothing on the Web. The sides of my shirts don’t have anything that looks cut away. My shirts don’t pop out of my pants. What the HELL are you talking about? Can anyone clarify this?
Q: Hey, this is fun. And you're more receptive to gripes than my friends and family! What's with the speed talking in radio commercials and tiny type on TV screen during commercials that can't be understood or read. Since it's useless for conveying information, is there really legal benefit/protection for inflicting it? Or did someone decide there is, or once deal with a court case where it might have helped, and now we all have to suffer it?
A: I believe it’s the identical reason that websites make you check a box saying you have read their service agreement, which is seven pages long and no non-autistic person has ever read. For feeble legal protection.
Q: How did you know that was the exact day Heather Armstrong had her epiphany, since her scrap of paper with the date had been thrown out?
A: Good question, with a good answer: I found her because she mentioned the day in a blog, but when I reached her by phone, and asked her if she was sure that was the date; I could not use it unless we had nailed that down. Even though it was obvious she wanted to be in the book, she admitted she wasn’t pretty sure but not completely sure. I thought that was a good sign of her honesty. (Reporters take clues like this seriously.) Then she said, “Wait, was Your Day a Sunday?” I confirmed it was. “Then that’s the day!” she said. She’d remembered only that it was toward the end of December, and close to Christmas, and that it was a Sunday, and she knew what she had done the previous Sunday, so that had to be it.
Q: I'm someone who said you were mostly wrong, but I really think you were mostly right about some stuff and mostly wrong about others, and both of them are really important.
One of the things I think you are wrong about is that disclosing the existence of Western secret forces in the Ukraine war is treasonous. Here's just one of several reasons I have, but it goes directly to your point.
I'm one of those who in the early 1970s believed the secret war in Cambodia was the real sin and impeachable offense of President Nixon. I believe that the press should have disclosed it. I don't think current movements of the forces should be disclosed, just as, whatever you think of Edward Snowden, deliberately making public the identities of agents should be criminal.
I find it hard to distinguish the case of Western secret forces in Ukraine--especially when the news is full (properly) of the news of the mercenary Wagner group (who probably would have been a secret force if they could have been). – Ken G.
A: I think it’s complicated. In 1961, John F. Kennedy persuaded the New York Times (and I think the L.A. Times not to disclose preparations for the Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba, for fear of jeopardizing the mission, and lives. After the debacle, he told the executive editor of the Times, Turner Catledge, that he was sorry Catledge hadn’t gone ahead and published, because that might have saved him from a big mistake. (This was a little disingenuous; the invasion itself was not necessarily a mistake; the way Kennedy conducted it was. He got cold feet midway.) But this is different.
The Bay of pigs did not depend on stolen material. The Times would have been engaged in traditional investigative journalism. And in that case, the information might have been considered necessary to forestall an extremely unwise plan. None of that applies to this stuff. This is gossip, mostly. Stolen gossip.
Q: On the subject of cutaways, I asked an (artificially) intelligent friend of mine. Here is its answer: The cutaways or slits on the sides of men's button-down shirts serve a few purposes: Ease of movement: The side cutaways allow for greater freedom of movement and flexibility, particularly when reaching, stretching, or bending. The slits prevent the fabric from restricting the wearer's range of motion, making the shirt more comfortable to wear. Aesthetics: The side cutaways can also improve the overall appearance of the shirt when it is worn untucked. The slits create a cleaner, neater look by allowing the shirt to drape smoothly over the waist and hips. However, it's worth noting that the side cutaways can sometimes cause the shirt to come untucked, especially if the shirt is not tailored properly or if the fabric is too stiff. If you frequently experience the sides of your shirt popping out of your pants, you may want to consider getting your shirts tailored or trying different brands that offer a slimmer fit or shorter length, as this can help reduce the issue. Additionally, wearing a belt or shirt stays can also help keep the shirt securely tucked in.
A: Helpful answer, but I don’t think I have slits. Time for an insta-poll.
Q: Will you accept this recipe for your Fud feature? It not only is just three sentences, it requires no odd ingredients, no measuring, chopping, blending, pre-cooking, or any culinary skills whatsoever, is nearly impossible to screw up, and uses only a baking dish and one spoon. It became legendary among my co-workers whose non-cooking husbands had to produce a meal the one day a week she had a night class.
“He thinks he can cook now.” “Awww, that’s adorable!” “Yeah, and it’s good. Every week. Suits me.”
Rookie Cook
All-in-One-Dinner Empty a can of pork and beans into a baking dish, spread them out with the spoon, and lay pork chops on top. Squirt a little mustard on each chop, sprinkle brown sugar over all, then squirt ketchup over all. Bake uncovered in a 350 degree oven for 45 minutes (or more, depending on the thickness of the chops) until tender enough to cut with the spoon. — Connie Akers
A: I can’t vouch for it, Connie, obviously, but I can vouch for you.
Q: In the picture at the top of today's discussion, shouldn't the guy be extending his middle finger?
A: No, that would only have been if the picture had been of me. This was (as per Getty Images) a Russkie, beckoning someone to join him.
Q: So, you'd rather get a turd tattoo than the Old Bay one. I see you're in a crabby mood today.
A: I see what you did there. I will admit I have an Old Bay doormat at my front door. Molly got it for me. It’s ironic.
Q: I work as an Admin Aid at a small law firm. Yesterday I was reviewing old personal injury case records for disposal. One of them involved a plaintiff from Nigeria. The description of the plaintiff includes the fact that several years ago he was involved in a wire fraud case. I may have discovered the identity of the Nigerian Oil Minister.
A: I await further developments.
Q: Hi Gene, this is the Grump & Pedant. I have one of those bird feeders that takes the squirrels for a spin. It is fun to watch, but it doesn't prevent the tree rats from stealing the bird seed. As the bird feeder spins the squirrel, lots of seed gets knocked out, onto the ground. The sneaky little bastards take turns riding the spinning wheel to keep the seed raining onto the ground. It must be the squirrel equivalent to the old joke, "It's your turn in the barrel." Someone needs to add music to that spinning squirrel video. I recommend the old Blood, Sweat & Tears tune Spinning Wheel.
A: No wonder this is being marketed, brandless, on Twitter. It works, but it doesn’t work.
Q: News from the Fartland: "House Majority leader Matt Windschitl endorses Ron DeSantis.” I think Windschitl is an aptonym for a politician who is talking crap.
A: Yes. The story on this backs you up. It also says this: “Windschitl is a … passionate advocate for the Second Amendment who has cachet in the deeply conservative district he represents in the far western part of the state.” To me “passionate advocate for the Second Amendment” = “a true Windschitl.”
Q: I was just told by my Doctor that because I had my Pfizer Bivalent vaccine last November, I am no longer eligible for more Covid shots because I am under 65. They no longer consider me at risk even though I met the qualifications just 6 months ago. What has changed? Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa.
A: Do as I did. Find a pharmacy that will give it to you. Screw your doctor. Many pharmacies don’t even ask about your vaccination history anymore.
Q: So I know I am too late for the embarrassing moment, but I have a good one from about 40 years ago that you, a poop fanatic, might enjoy. At the time I was dating a girl who went to an all-women's college and was visiting her for the weekend when I was suddenly struck by severe diarrhea. In that particular dormitory, there was no men's room. So she had to clear the ladies room of (young college age) women, and then guard the door for me to keep the women out while I attended to business. Unfortunately, it was one of those times that, every time I thought it was over, I had to sit back down and take care of even more business. Very, very loudly. I am not exaggerating that I was up and down on that can for at least half an hour, echoing away in an empty dormitory bathroom that was designed to serve at least 10 women at a time. When I was finally finished, i left the bathroom and there were at least a dozen of the female students, along with my girlfriend, waiting in line to get into the bathroom - they had patiently waited, and listened, and no doubt laughed and joked, and their reward was to enter into the stinky hellscape that I had left behind. Most horrifying moment of my life and it has never been equalled.
A: I saved this for near the end, as it were.
*
Q: Hi again, Gene, my friend, I just submitted a question about whether Biff Wellington was real. Apparently he was a real professional wrestler, but alas, he died in 2007. Have you managed to resurrect him or is Biff just your imaginary friend? It's cool if he is, imaginary friends are fine to have, I wish you and him well.
A: Biff Wellington is the pseudonym I give to my Substack guy, Dan Stone. The names seem similarly uber-manly. However, please do not even elliptically suggest that I stole that from some Canadian wrester. I believe I and my colleague Bob Basler invented the name Biff Wellington in 1975, while we were working at the Albany Knickerbocker News. We ran a fictional serial novel set in Albany and the main character was Biff Wellington. At the time, the man who would become the wrestler was 10 years old, and still named Shayne Bower. He’s dead. I am still alive, so far, as is Bob Basler.
Q: My peeve that is triggered most often is the lazy tropes Hollywood uses to keep a story on pace: Stepping into the shower THEN turning the water on; turning off the TV in anger in the middle of a news story that the character has considerable interest in; and the miraculously available parking space right on the curb in front of every single destination (restaurant, mall, beach, ER, etc.). What is your biggest Hollywood storyline peeve? – Jon Carter
A: I love how, in films, no one EVER says goodbye on a phone call. They just hang up after the last line has been spake. Also the person you see ALWAYS has the last line.
A: Is this pet peeve petty? Certain lyrics set me off especially if they fail on several levels. For example, Ed Sheeran, who recently won a plagiarism lawsuit by showing how modern music has flattened into tedious sameness, offered the following lyrics in “The Shape of You”:
—
I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
—
This irritates me in a number of ways. In addition to the bad grammar, there is the scientific howler. A single magnet can exert a pull on ferromagnetic materials, but push?!? Are we to believe Ed Sheeran has witnessed a repulsor? I want him to sing this instead:
—
I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull as two magnets do
—
A subordinate clause instead of a prepositional phrase. Subject and verb match in number. Science is good. Plus, it still rhymes. Is it too much to ask him to re-record?
Q: Yes, it is. . First, did you never play with two bar magnets as a kid? They both push AND pull, depending on how you orient them. (This is central to the operation of electric motors!) Also, I like the Sheeran line; it’s funny and self-aware. So go away. Wait, ask Dylan to change it to “It Isn’t me, Babe.”
Q: My pet peeve is the use of "thusly" in place of "thus." I see it in many different publications, but it happens so often in the Washington Post that I have composed a form letter which I send to offenders reminding them that adverbs are not required to end in "ly." I also point out that the Bible is full of references to "Thus says the Lord"--not THUSLY. Most of the recipients don't bother to write back, but of those who do, about half thank me while the other half insist that "thusly" is perfectly correct. Aargh! –
Submitted by DCSteve1, Washington, D.C.
A: Agreed. The way to confirm you are right is to look up “thusly” in the dictionary. It is invariably defined as “thus.” You can hear the lexicographer snickering.
Q: So did Biff Wellington the wrestler steal his stage name from you? Will you now demand royalties for the use?
A: I shall look into this but not too hard. Biff Wellington, the wrestler, died young.
In the meantime, I am calling this one down. I do urge you all to keep commenting, and even more important, filing questions. You’ll see the answer to them on Thursday, when we reveal the answers to the grandfoals contest, and introduce a new one.
Be sure to check out The Gene Pool on Thursday (May 18) for the results of the "grandfoals" wordplay contest, which Gene and I are finishing up today. We may set a record for Things We Could Never Have Run in The Washington Post.
I think Biden's low popularity is a shameful example of how quickly we Americans can become ingrates. Merely to not have to wake up each morning afraid of what crazy, dangerous thing our own leader might do today would have suited us fine a few years ago. If the only reason you voted for Biden was that he was not Trump, for the first time in history you got 100% of what you wanted from a candidate. HE'S NOT TRUMP! Geez, appreciate that for a while, at least.