Filthy Dirty Vile Stupid Jokes

Just this morning I called Dave Barry to tell him of something I had just discovered, while reading emails from readers whom I had asked to tell me about the first dirty jokes they had ever heard as youngsters.

“Hi, Dave, “ I said. “Were you aware that Johnny Fuckerfaster had a girlfriend?
“I was not,” he said. “I am sure she had a very ordinary name.”

“It was Susan Laystill.”

“Oh,” he said. “That’s good. Do you know I am in Paris right now?”

So, anyway, this is the Gene Pool in which I discuss everyone’s first dirty jokes and it it so wondrous that I am not going to even take questions. Just telling jokes.

The beautiful part of early dirty jokes is that they are all idiotic. We are not sophisticated enough to appreciate nuance, so they are hilariously naive and convoluted and do not reveal even a rudimentary understanding of human sexual function. In a sense, in that way, they’re not actually “dirty.”

Rachel, for example, heard a version of the Johnny Fuckerfaster joke at roughly nine years old. It is very complicated. It involved a boy named Humper Stevenson and his girlfriend, whose name was, for some reason, The Virgin Mary. This is not further explicated. Humper has the uncanny ability to get people to do whatever he wants by threatening to cry. So it turns out he is naked in the shower with Mary, and after a series of entreaties backed up by threats to cry, Humper manages to maneuver her into compromising circumstance at the precise moment Humper’s dad, Mr. Geoffrey Barnard Stevenson, is trying to find his son. “Humper?” he calls out. Humper responds, “I’m trying to, Dad, she won’t let me!” Meanwhile, Humper is attempting to further extort the Virgin Mary with threats to cry, right there in the shower, and she submits to this by permitting him to put his finger into her bellybutton. She indignantly complains, “that’s not my bellybutton,” and he says, “that’s okay, it’s not my finger.‘ and later, after a certain unexplained passage of time, she calls her ma and identifies herself as, simply, “Mary.”

So.

Okay, this is not a childish joke, but it was relayed by a writer who heard it so young he or she didn’t understand it, so it qualifies:

A woman gets engaged to a Greek man and for some unstated reason her parents are very concerned. Finally the father sits his daughter down and says that, during sex, she doesn’t have to roll over if she doesn’t want to. The couple marries and for several months everything is wonderful. Then, one night in bed, the Greek gent asks the girl to roll over. She sits up and says “Oh, no. My Daddy says I don’t have to roll over if I don’t want to.” The husband says “What’s the matter? Don’t you want to get pregnant?”

Three different people, including my editor, Tom the Butcher, remember the following as their first dirty joke; the astonishing thing is it makes no sense whatsoever, but is clearly ubiquitous. The setup is idiotic, and the payoff is idiotic. Any logic behind it collapses like a souffle in an earthquake.

As presented by a reader: For anyone not familiar with the joke, you have to answer every question with "rubber balls and liquor." The questions go, "What do you eat for breakfast? What do you eat for lunch?" and so on until the final question, "What do you do to your girlfriend?" I remember being super perplexed when I heard it because even at age 8 or so, I knew women didn't have balls, so the joke didn't make any sense to me. I wanted to ask someone to explain it to me, but I was old enough to understand there was a sexual element to it, and I should NOT repeat this joke to an adult.

Another reader: First dirty joke I ever heard: Two very drunk college boys go to a whorehouse. They ask for women and the madam calls down two of her women. The two women look at the drunks and tell the madam they don’t want to have anything to do with them. The madam says that they have paid a lot of money and orders them to do their job. The women escort the men upstairs and on the way up one woman whispers to the other that she plans to use an inflatable doll instead of having sex with the drunk man. A little while later, both men are stumbling down the stairs and one asks the other how it went and the reply is OK, she was not real responsive and a little strange but OK. The other one says, well you don’t know anything about strange. Just as I was getting frisky, I nibbled on her neck, and she farted and flew out the window.

—Sneaker Dave

At a family gathering when I was 11, I old this joke had recently seen on HBO, though I didn’t really understand it: "You know Jacques Cousteau has been spending too much time underwater. He just emerged after a month and declared that the vagina of a tuna fish smells like a human being."

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I was in the fifth grade and my best friend’s older sister told her this joke and she then told it to me. “Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.” Even after it was explained to us, we didn’t get it.

Q: Why did the farmer cross the road? A: His penis was stuck in the chicken. —

Jeff, York, PA

In seventh grade, a friend told me to press my fingertips to hers, as she was actually a being from another planet and this was their custom. We walked around like that. She told me various things about their habits, what they wore and ate, and finally, "Oh, and they have their sex organs in their fingertips."

Government car drives up to a farm and the man driving tells the farmer, "I'm a representative from the Dept. of Agriculture and we are checking on how you treat your animals. We have a new machine that we attach to the animals and lets them talk." Farmer: Animals can't talk. DA Rep: Let's start with the cow. How's the farmer treating you. Farmer: Cows can't talk! Cow: He treats me pretty good. Doesn't wake me up to early, warms his hands before milking me, feeds me well. Farmer: Cows can't talk!! DA Rep: Let's check your dog. How's the farmer treating you. Farmer: Dogs can't talk!!! Dog: He treats me well. Let's me sleep inside on cold nights, feeds me yummy table scraps. All is good. Farmer (getting more frustrated): Dogs can't talk!!!! DA Rep: Let's check with the sheep. Farmer: SHEEP LIE !!!!!!

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. Yes, I live over in Cape Coral", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name is Katz?

Hmm. My first ever dirty joke. Rather to my surprise, I do remember it. It was told to me by a schoolmate, who swore he heard it from his father. A rich man and a poor man are talking a few days before Christmas. The poor man asks the rich man what he is getting his wife for a present, and the rich man says "A diamond bracelet and a Mercedes." The poor man replies, "Why two gifts?" and the rich man answers, "Well, if she doesn't like the bracelet, she can drive to the store and exchange it. What are you getting YOUR wife for Christmas?" The poor man thinks for a moment, and says "A box of chocolate and a dildo." Smiling, the rich man says, "Why are YOU getting her two gifts?" And the poor man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the chocolates, she can go fuck herself."

The first “dirty joke” I remember dates from when I was about five, told to me by a four-year-old. Here it is: A pregnant woman is told by her doctor that she can’t pee until the baby is born. Somehow she follows his instructions. After a few weeks she has another appointment. As the doctor is about to examine her, the baby sticks its head out and says, “Whaddaya think I am, a submarine?”

That is a terrible joke, a failure in all ways. So we are ending on it.

Please send in questions. I will answer them. Send them here.