Dear Jeffrey Bezos,

Hey, Jeff.

Welcome to the latest edition of

… the alternative news source for those people appalled by your methodical plundering of the reputation of the newspaper we all loved.

I just learned about your latest thunderously arrogant act from reading about it in The New York Times. I want to begin by expressing my disappointment that you didn’t leak it to me first. As you now know, my career depends on your continuing malevolence and ineptitude in the exercise of journalistic depravities, so breaking these stories first is important to me. In the future, please show me a little common courtesy. Thank you.

Anyway, I have some thoughts. I’ll be quick.