The Invitational Week 96: The Tile Invitational XI

Make up new words with the letters we give you. Plus comically egghead jokes from Week 94.

Illustration by “Barney & Clyde” artist David Clark

*Martini, observed on Nov. 11, is the Austrian equivalent of Halloween, celebrated with costumes and a lantern procession. That’s a runner-up in our Asterisky Business contest for jokes that need footnotes. More hifalutin humor — or maybe for you it’s just mediumfalutin — in this week’s Invitational results, below.

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Hello.

Hmm, seems we’ve been talking trash about our old employer this week. There’s more of that stuff later, in the Questions and Observations section.

As to The Post, it is true the newspaper no longer has a big section of classified ads, a world-renowned humor contest, or some 200,000 of its readers. But TWP still runs the venerable in-print-only ScrabbleGrams word game, which The Invitational has been ripping off honoring every year since 2013. So we offer you a distraction from biting your nails as you sit on the couch next Tuesday:

AT THIS LINK YOU CLICK ON RIGHT HERE is a list of 36 letter sets: the four pictured below from the Oct. 17 WaPo, the rest from the long-out-of-print Big Book of ScrabbleGrams; each unscrambles into a real seven-letter word, but that’s not the one you want.

For Invitational Week 96: Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets to create a new term, then define or describe it, as in the examples below. Your word may use all 7 letters or just 6,  but you may use each letter in the set only once.  (So if there are two L’s, you can use them both, but if there’s just one L, you can’t use it twice.)  Your term can be one word, two words, or hyphenated; we’re easy.

There’s a good chance that someone else will make up the same word you did, so having a funny definition or description (e.g., a sentence using your term) can be what gets you the ink. See the word list for instructions on formatting your entries.

AEOUDFT > F.U. DATE:  What dinner has become by the third time he’s taken out his phone to place a Draft Kings bet.    

EOUGLLB > LOL BUG:   It’s infectious!  

AEULPGL > AGEPULL:   Sag. “That little butterfly on Grandma’s chest?  It's starting to look like a freight train with wings. That’s agepull for you.” 

EIODFFM > DIM-FOE: A Chinese dumpling that not only disagrees with with you, but declares outright war on your gut. 

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 9, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 14. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. 

Click here for this week’s entry form,  or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-96.

The winner receives a handsome pair of socks in which the wearer’s ankles are being eaten up, or at least swallowed, by alligators. While we could see these worn with some preppy Lacoste high-water khakis, it seems only right that they also be worn with Crocs.

Some people have alligator shoes … : This week’s prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which Gene hopes to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

Wonk on the Wild Side: Winning esoteric jokes

In our Week 94 contest, Asterisky Business, we asked for jokes depending on such technical or specialized knowledge that they required footnotes. Gene features these head-scratchers with the recurring character of Horace in his daily comic strip “Barney & Clyde,” and he once again asked B&C artist David Clark to draw a couple of strips incorporating today’s top entries.

Third runner-up:
Q:  Why was Henry VIII unsuccessful at golf?  
A:  He had a brutal slice and ultimately did not break Parr.
*The king had two wives beheaded, and allowed wife No. 6, Catherine Parr, to remain unscathed and un-divorced. She outlived him. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Man: Guess what I saw at the Tokyo theater.
Woman: Kabuki?
Man: No.
Woman: No?
Man: Yes.
*No (sometimes spelled “noh”) is a form of Japanese dance-drama. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)   

First runner-up: (See the “Martini” cartoon at the top of the page.)

And the winner of the toilet earrings:

*Hitty-titty is an old Scots term for hide-and-seek. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Nerd-Do-Wells: Honorable mentions

Kamala Harris bought a pair of glasses, and to her amazement, she could see the future. But Latin scholars weren’t surprised at all. Of course, they said — they’re Harris specs.
*A haruspex is a Roman seer. (Chris Doyle)

An actuary walks into a bar and begins to drink continuously.
*In actuarial notation, ā, pronounced “a-bar,” refers to an annuity paid continuously over a period of time. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

American: “It’s so cold outside, it must be minus-40 degrees!”
European: “I know, right?”  
*Minus-40 degrees is the only point at which the Fahrenheit and Celsius temperature scales converge. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Why did the physics professor name his cat Friction?
It had a notable mew.
*The Greek letter mu denotes how much friction a specific surface generates. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Why did the geologist study the low area before the high area?
Because she put the karst before the horst.
*Karst is an irregular limestone region characterized by sinkholes; horst is an elevated block of the Earth’s crust between two faults. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Why was the state-court criminal defense lawyer upset at the federal judge?
He told her she wasn’t getting any Younger.
*“Younger abstention” is a doctrine of law under which federal courts will not interfere in state criminal proceedings. (Mark Raffman)

How did the American tourist react when his German host wished him a good trip?
He was embarrassed.
*German for “have a good trip” is “Gute Fahrt.” (Chris Doyle)

What did Ringo Starr’s cardiologist call his patient’s typical breakfast of a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich?
A double-stroke roll.
*In a double-stroke roll, a drummer strikes twice with one stick before striking with the other stick. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Can I help myself to the breath mints at the Supreme Court reception desk?
Only if you file a Cert petition. 
*Requests that the Supreme Court take a case are called petitions for certiorari, or “cert petitions.” (Duncan Stevens)

How did the art critic insult New York’s mayor?
“Your MOMA has a giant Wang.”
“Witches are Flowers, Sis” by Evelyn Taocheng Wang is a 25-foot-long painting at the Museum of Modern Art. (Mark Raffman)

Why couldn’t the physicist integrate a scalar field?
Because he had no more flux to give.
*In physics, flux is a scalar field that measures the number of electric or magnetic field lines that pass through a surface in a given amount of time. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

What do you call a Greek yes-man?
A naysayer!
*In Greek, the word for “yes” (ναι) is pronounced “nay.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)  

Did you hear about the student whose music teacher criticized his performance of a song?  The student pointed to the score and countered: “What do you mean? When I got to the last measure it said ‘fine.’ ” 
*Pronounced fee-nay, “fine” in a musical score indicates the end of a section. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

How did the doctor decide that no one watching the sad movie had Sjögren’s syndrome? There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
*People with Sjögren’s syndrome have dry eyes and mouths. (Chris Doyle)

Why did the large woman get offended while walking in a downpour?
Someone called out, “Whoa, what a thunder-plump!”
*A heavy and sudden rainstorm. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

 “Yesterday at church was Missionary Sunday, and we celebrated the author of “Rock of Ages.”
“How inappropriate!”
*That hymn was written by Anglican cleric Augustus Montague Toplady — and you wouldn’t think Reverend Toplady would be an advocate of the missionary position. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Why did the caterer put a case of Chateau Latour ’82 up his ass?
His clients had ordered a buttload of fine wine for the party. 
*A buttload is an actual unit of measurement equal to 126 gallons of wine. (Mark Raffman)

What did the first-class passenger on a KLM flight say when offered either sweet buns or crepes for breakfast?
“As the pilot would concur, a Dutch roll is much better than a pancake.”
*A Dutch roll is a usually correctable combination of yawing and rolling motion in an aircraft.  A pancake is a landing with the gear up. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Why does your parrot squawk, “Get off my lawn!”?
Because he’s a senior psittacine.”
*Psittacines (with a silent P) are birds of the parrot family. (Jesse Frankovich)

Before treatment by a gynecologist, a woman should thoroughly familiarize herself with her vagina. As they say, it's always best to look before you LEEP.
*LEEP stands for loop electrosurgical excision procedure, in which an electrified wire loop is used to remove tissue in a woman’s lower genital tract  for diagnosis and treatment. (Judy Freed)

Why did the chicken cross from right to left?
Because it was an Eastern Orthodox chicken.
*The sign of the cross is made from right to left in the Eastern Orthodox tradition and from left to right in the Latin church. (Mark Raffman)

Why were the groundhogs covered in a weird adhesive?
They were rodents of unusual size.
*Size is a thin glue used to prime a surface for applying metal leaf. And “rodents of unusual size” are characters in “The Princess Bride.” (Jesse Frankovich)

Why do people play Schoenberg’s music right before Yom Kippur?
It’s highly atonal. 
Arnold Schoenberg was a composer of atonal music, which has no discernible key; Yom Kippur is the Jewish Day of Atonement. (Duncan Stevens)

Doctor: “Don’t worry about payment for SUI treatment. Your insurance should cover the whole thing.”
Patient: “Please, doctor, don’t make me laugh.”
*SUI, or stress urinary incontinence, is prompted by such movements as coughing or laughing. (Judy Freed)

The headline “Wonk on the Wild Side” is by Kevin Dopart; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 2: our Week 95 contest for comical musings on Terrible Things That Could Happen if the other side wins. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 95: What's the Worst That Could Happen?

We now enter the coveted Real-Time Segment of The Gene Pool, where Gene responds to your questions and observations, which are made in Real Time. Today’s Q’s and O’s (so far) deal with his call for times that someone, or some organization you respected, deeply disappointed you. Also, there is a lot of reaction to Rachel Manteuffel’s Wednesday story about breast cancer and Donald Trump, which Gene linked to.

PLEASE send your Observations and Questions right here. They will be dealt with with alacrity and gusto, a promise employing an amazing sentence that uses the expression “with with.”

Also please remember that we are going to be live blogging on election night, starting at 8 p.m. To be able to root around in the Comments section, and post Comments of your own, you will have to buy one month’s worth of Gene Pool, for the exorbitant fee of $5. We hope you’d stay in beyond that, but it’s not necessary. Cancellation is a simple process.

Please consider this. We’d like you there on November 5.

Q: Ben Bradlee & Mrs. Graham must be rolling in their graves by Jeff Bezos' cowardly decision to eliminate a candidate endorsement .  In addition to this, The Post has been making decisions that are ruining the newspaper’s standing.  In the Arts section, they have eliminated reviews of local artists and instead have spent pages on photos of food, hamburger joints and articles on pinball, and huge photos of celebrities.  I know many people who quit reading The Post because it lacked the integrity it once had.

— Lucy Blankstein, Washington

A:  All true, Lucy, and all problematic, but their biggest pratfall was choosing to eliminate The Invitational in 2022. . I say this in my exalted capacity as the editor of the brand-new Washington Pist.  

Imagine the calculus the Post management faced: Lessee, we have a feature here that has been beloved by a cult following continuously for 30 years, longer than any other American humor contest, ever, and remains a continuing source of mirth and wit in troubled times, a feature that is fully staffed by 100 or so readers who are world-class humor writers willing to work for free, except for the occasional prize of worthless trinkets.  But on the other hand, we want to make our pictures of restaurants’ bratwurst a little larger, so… . 

I believe their decision was the dumbest thing the current Post leadership ever did, until last week. 

This is actually a problem endemic to many news organizations, exacerbated by the one-two punch of economic retrenchment and the advent of the electronics age, where it is possible to gauge instantly how much traffic an individual story is getting.  It results in a form of ridiculous pandering, where stories are assigned based on perceived judgments of the public’s taste, which, as you know, can be trivial, celeb-based happystuff, as opposed to things the people really need to read.  Editorial judgment has been subsumed in importance to … marketing.   I will disclose here that modern newspapers – The Post included – change the headlines in their stories constantly during the day — not for a better, more clever or intriguing headline — but for one that attracts the most eyeballs.  Stick “Lady Gaga” into a headline, however inappropriately, and you increase readership. 

The most glaring public repercussion of this nonsense was the idiotic decision by the New York Times to structure its homepage so that, at the top, there is a serious story and then next to it, a total bullshit story.   They seem to be given parallelism in importance.   So we see juxtapositions like this:

On the left of the page: “Italy invades Turkey; tens of thousands maimed or killed. Lives ruined, World War III Looms”    And next to it,  on the right: “Ten best chalupa restaurants in New York!” 

TIMELY TIP: If you’re reading this on an email: Just click on the headline in the email and it will deliver you to the full column online. Keep refreshing the screen to see the new questions and answers that appear as I regularly update the post.

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Okay, here we go. Please remember to keep refreshing the page to get the latest Observations and Questions. This is live now.

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Q: I remember a scene from the tv show Fantasy Island. The devil asked that a rare orchid be placed, living, into his hand. She did, and it instantly died. That is the Washington Post. A rare orchid placed in the hand of death itself.

A: Death itself!  Elegant, but a bit much, even for the low standards of The Washington Pist.  Gonna summarize: Jeff Bezos very likely saved The Post.   He arrived at a time when The Post’s financial viability was in jeopardy, and he instantly  infused many millions of dollars into its survival.  Staff size grew.   In general, the newsroom was grateful and understood the importance of this. 

My worry from the beginning was that Bezos was never a journalist; he was a capitalist and an entrepreneur, and I worried that if he ever felt the paper was financially untenable, he’d be more likely to punt than would someone like Donald Graham, who understood the noble mission he was in charge of, and its importance beyond making money. 

I doubt Bezos understands the gravity of the terrible decision he made. That worries me terribly.  It is why I urge readers NOT to cancel their subscriptions because of the selfish decision of one man.

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Q: I love my father, now elderly, more than anyone. My success in this life is due in no small part to his support. My mother was a difficult, angry woman and our home was an unhappy one. She took good care of us, but with screaming and anger. (To this day, I just tune out screaming, I am not a screamer, but have no children. I was afraid I would be too much like her.) He was an obsessive workaholic, so he really wasn’t there much. Ours was not a home of fun. It was only in assisted living that he conceded he didn’t have to be at work as much as he was. He left my brother and me with her and he knew it. I love him so much, but I never really believed it wasn’t all about the work until that admission. And he’s a man of his generation - he would never apologize. I was disappointed when I had to face it. He just…let her scream at us. We weren’t delinquents, either. My brother wasn’t close to her as an adult. He has kids and is a great dad. This is not an uncommon story. 

A:  I have written this several times:  If I am still coherent enough to make a decision, I want my final deathbed words to be: “I should have spent more time at the office.”

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Q: At the risk of sounding like a misogynist, Rachel is beautiful, before and after. 

A:  You are excused.  Just this once.

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Q: Regarding headlines, were you bothered by the Post’s front page headline today “Biden’s ‘garbage’ remark has Harris seeking distance”? I feel like this prominent placement is playing on divisiveness and turmoil to add drama to the election and put the Dems in slightly less favorable light. Maybe it just my pre election anxiety (see C-1 story), but this seems like another example of the Post trying to balance negative Trump stories. False equivalency.

A: I agree one hundred percent. It was a non-story, elevated to a big story through cowardly fear of not seeming to be “balanced.”

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Q: Do you have a secret silly hatred?

A: Yes, people who refer to dogs or cats as “it.”

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Q: I have watched SNL through all of its cast iterations apart from Chevy Chase -- so I'm old -- and I struggled with your pairings here.  I read the question more than once, and concluded that you did not mean any of those pairings to be "the best" among all possible pairings, but rather, that we should award point values to all the named players and then add up which pairing had the highest point total.  If that's not what you meant, probably the results are skewed.  But regardless, I have to say... this is a list clearly selected by a guy who imprinted on the original cast.  Not just because there are only two women among the ten options but because of the men you did and didn't select.  Akroyd is a talented performer but outshone as both a mimic and a comedian by many others since.  Belushi and Farley were variations on the same them but Belushi was an original and Farley was not;  Farley belonged in the cast but doesn't belong on a 'best of" list that isn't aimed toward frat boys.  Bill Murray (I assume you didn't mean Brian) is not bad but not all that good and not worthy of being of paired with Radner, who was even more original and comedically brilliant than Belushi.  I would rate Jane Curtain or Mike Myers above Murray any day. 

 McKinnon is brilliant and versatile; Keenan Thompson is very entertaining, hardworking, and a good sport, but nowhere near as versatile.   Carvey is probably the best mimic SNL has ever had -- and also original and entertaining in his characters.  He belongs on my best of list but the math of that pairing was dragged WAY down by Farley.  I think Murphy's brilliance is his fearlessness around race rather than his character/acting abilities, but he's definitely up there.  Hader is more like Thompson -- very entertaining but repetitive.  Top of my list of versatile and brilliant performers you didn't include is Phil Hartman, but he was not on the "bro appeal" scale.  Cicely Strong, Rachel Dratch, Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, all stronger than some of those on your list but less appealing to men than some who are.  I'm just relieved you didn't include Pete Davison.  I went with McKinnon/Thompson on total point value, but if I'd gotten to choose a pair with the highest point value I can assign it would be Radner/Carvey and if I were choosing for the pair that worked off each other best over a sustained amount of time as an actual pair, it would be Carvey/Hartman.     

A: This is in response to my weekend Gene Poll on the greatest SNL cast members of all time.  It is a smart analysis.  I deliberately didn’t make this a choice, but MY coupling would be McKinnon and Ayckroyd, or McKinnon and Carvey.   

Q: How much anxiety are you in, about the election? 

A: I didn’t care that much that the Yankees choked their way out of The World Series.

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Q: Colbert video on WaPo decision:

– Stephen Dudzik

A: This is completely brilliant. 

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Q: You wrote: "The only sequel I can think of that either matched or surpassed the original was Godfather II.   Any other nominees?"

There are several. Everyone else will suggest Star Wars V (The Empire Strikes Back), so I don't have to mention that one. All THREE of the Toy Story sequels (2, 3, & 4) are just as good as the first one. Men in Black II was every bit as good as the original. And then there is Star Trek II (Wrath of Khan), which is a really good movie, but it's not fair to call it "better", because the first Star Trek movie was an unmitigated piece of fan-service crap.

A: Thanks. 

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Q: Maybe spend less time shitting on the Washington Post? You must appreciate its history and achievements and imperfections over the decades. I started reading it daily in 1968 and have written features for the paper. To me, it shifted from left to the middle in about 1982 and hasn't been a "liberal" newspaper in 40 years. But the 200,000 canceled subscriptions perfectly define the term stupid liberals. Maybe try to tamp down the stupidity? A tad? Oh, congrats on the new subscribers. 

A: Thanks  And congrats on being a dick. 

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Q: Why did you keep going to Charlottesville?  Was that for surgery?   Why not avail yourselves of the medical skills in D.C.  Or Maryland or Northern Virginia?

A: Fair question.   When Rachel was diagnosed, the first call I made was to Dr. Edward Lefrak, the brilliant surgeon I wrote about in my book – excerpted in this magazine story, about the first heart transplant in the Washington area.   Dr. Lefrak is retired now.   I asked him what advice he could give me, and he generously spent time discussing options, treatments, and specific practitioners.  Almost at the end – it was like pulling teeth – he said “You know, my daughter is one of the best breast-cancer surgeons on Earth…”

Her name is Shayna Showalter.  She works at UVA Medical Center in Charlottesville.  We have not had even a second of regret about choosing her, or the relatively minor inconvenience that entailed. 

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Q: Someone in your October 22 post complained that they cannot vote in the polls, even though they are paid subscribers. I have a similar issue: I can vote, but only if I click on your face at the top, open your page of Substacks, and then open the relevant newsletter. I generally read Substacks from my inbox, where every one to which I subscribe is listed, and cannot vote from there. I get an error saying that I must be a subscriber to vote, but if I click on the Subscribe button, it reassures me that I am already a subscriber. This has been going on for months, and I never mentioned it because it feels like one of those issues that only affects me. 

– Megan Coughlin

A: Hey, Megan.  You may be overcomplicating this.   If you click on the headline in the email you receive from Substack about the new Gene Pool, you should be delivered to the full online package.  Let me know if that doesn’t work. 

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Q: Could the Post's editors have run the endorsement of Harris despite Bezos' directive, knowing they almost certainly would lose their jobs? If so, then their submission would appear to be a matter of putting personal welfare before principle. Or, perhaps, they didn't believe their endorsement would make a significant difference in the election and, therefore, wasn't worth losing their jobs – Gary

A:I think you have to ask yourself this: What would it take to make you quit your job, without a backup job?  What sort of transgression by your employer, or inexcusable error by yourself, to warrant that?  And ask yourself seriously, not filled with anger and indignation.

As I’ve written before, I don’t love the “Resign. Now!” school of commenter. You are not that, but think about it.

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This is Gene. I declare us down. Please keep sending in Questions and Observations. I will need them on Tuesday and give them good play.

Meanwhile, see you on The Weekend Gene Pool.